A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi all got a problem with the ex. We was together for a year or so and things was great between us,lived together, we was like best friends until i noticed he was a bit controlling, didnt like me going out without him drinking, was always on my back about cleaning, washing, cooking etc.I didnt mind at the time but all the effort i put in to keeping a family and a home was all thrown in my face the day i found out he cheated.With 3 or 4 women.i found out through one confronting me, one through facebook and the other two when i went through his phone.I was pregnant at the time so i didnt know what to do, i had no where else to go then. We split but i still lived there. moved rooms etc. Then few weeks later he promised it wouldnt happen again and begged me back said he loved me and wanted our little family, i fell for it all and took him back but it didnt last as the other woman kept on messaging him, kept approaching him while he was out, sometimes when he was with me! nerve of it! it became too much as his phone would go off at all times in the night, i was hormonal with the pregnancy and although i knew he wasnt still seeing her, it bothered me that she wouldnt back off, she did go out of her way to tell me about their affair,so i couldnt be bothered with anymore agro.I left packed up and went to my parents.within 2 weeks he was in a relationship with yet another woman (who hes still with now)I went the whole pregnancy barely speaking to him.I had my baby and hes showed alot more interest, hes been really good actually as a dad, popping round, asking me to take him over to his. I appreciate his effort.However , just lately, i think he wants more than to see his baby. i think......not sure what to make of it.Hes been bringing up the "good old days" and talking about how we were, if i miss the life we had etc.Then he began talking about his current relationship and making a point of telling me its on the "rocks" and that hes had enough. Then today he came round again saying he wanted to end it. things wernt good etc.I dont know why he thinks i want to know, but i never comment to him. I never know what to say.He tries to kiss me on the cheek when he leaves all the time. I think hes testing the water but im not 100% sure. if i new his game plan and avoided falling into the trap i could protect myself but i just dont know what hes playing at? is it all innocent or is he playing games? what do you guys think?
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (11 September 2012):
 you would be the backup
you would take him back
and he would cheat again
is that what you want
then he will leave
and go to the new woman because NOW he knows you will TAKE HIM BACK...
ugh... do not fall for it.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2012): "if i new his game plan and avoided falling into the trap i could protect myself"
I suspect his game plan is to use the baby as a tool to weasel his way back into your life, and if that doesn't work I suspect Plan B is to use the baby as a weapon to intimidate his way back into your life via threats of a custody battle and/or withholding financial support.
If you don't have a court-approved agreement for visitation and child support in place, I strongly suggest you start the process; also since you weren't married I'd recommend a DNA test to legally establish paternity to ward off any future "how do I even know the kid's mine" game-playing, a srandard scumbag sperm depositor tactic to avoid obligations and responsibilities as retaliation for any future perceived slights against him.
Unfortunately your baby didn't choose his/her father, YOU did, so you're tied to him for at least the next eighteen years, and absent criminal activity, substance abuse or mental incompetence, you don't have the right deny him access to his child even though he's a controlling, lying, cheating scumbag; he has same parental rights as you do.
You need to co-exist with him the best you can for the baby's sake; all you can do is be the best mother you can be while constantly reminding yourself that whatever controlling, lying, cheating scumbag sperm depositor says or does is exclusively and strictly for controlling, lying, cheating scumbag sperm depositor's sole personal benefit and gain, not the baby's and certainly nor yours.
Don't be surprised if you discover that once he realizes you've wised up to him and/or he knocks up current girlfriend or successor(s), then his interest in seeing your child will wane since there'll be nothing in it for him.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (11 September 2012):
 Just because HE wants more doesn't mean you HAVE to go back to the relationship, YOU know what kind of guy he is, you KNOW how he made you feel.
Be firm and if that is too hard ask someone else to bring over the baby and pick him up, so you can minimize the time you spend with your ex.
He sounds like he was/is a good manipulator as well, so you really need to pay attention.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2012): Yes it sounds as if he is testing the water because the current relationship is failing. Possibly because he has proven untrustworthy again. If he is the type I think he is. He will be schmoozing not only you but all the other women he still has contact with. He is saying the same things to you that he once said about you to them! It is how he operates. Please dont be tempted to revisit. You know what he is like. Keep him at arms length so there is room in your life for a decent guy. Being a good father is his duty, you dont owe him anything for that.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2012): hi guys im the OP. i agree with you all, other than our baby, i shouldnt be entertaining him in other ways, i dont want to , to be honest.
I know i can do and get better im alot better looking than he is hahahaha.
i appreciate all the advice, im going to keep him at arms length. I dont want him back at all i just wanted your opinions on why hes acting this way which iv got , thanks, and now i will definatly be telling the jerk, when he starts his flirting crap, to jog the F on! :D
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (11 September 2012):
 I very *rarely* use this word either on the internet or in real life to describe a guy, and I even hesitate to use it now, but I read through your post twice, and it's all I can think of, so best to get it out of my system so I can then advise you.
Your ex is a DICK.
Do not ever forget what he did to you. Do not ever become nostalgic, because the guy he presented himself to you as never existed. He his his true life -- a cheater and a player and a manwhore. He wanted you to stay home and serve (and service!) him, yet he went out and profaned your relationship with other women.
The only thing you should feel when he starts kissing on your cheek or talking about the good old days is ICE COLD CONTEMPT for him. If he's the same age as you (30-35), this isn't an issue of hormonal teenager, but a guy who is set in his cheating ways.
If it weren't for the kid you share together (again, he didn't care enough about you to use adequate protection, and he bailed on you during the hard times of pregnancy and caring for a baby), I'd say never allow him to come within 200 feet of you.
However, for the sake of your kid, make your meetings as impersonal and businesslike as possible. Do not let him touch you. Do not let him have intimate conversations with you. Arranging child care and being on the same page parenting wise is mature, but restrict your interactions to that.
Your "good old days" were horrible. The guy is a child and a selfish, good for nothing, disgusting dirty trash bag cheater who doesn't deserve to even solicit warm feelings from you ever again.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2012): You were smart to leave the relationship. He sounds like he doesn't know what he wants or how to treat the person he is with. Don't settle for a man who cheats on you, it will cause you nothing but heartache. Good luck & stay strong for your child.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2012): He is definitely trying 2 get back in ur good graces. Usually when a present relationship goes bad, an ex start 2 reach 4 the familiar until something fresh and new comes along. Don't fall 4 it! He cheated w/4 or more women. It seems as though nobody cares about STD or worse anymore. Im more terrified of that than anything. You've moved on w/ur life just fine w/o him. Continue 2 b good co-parents and let it b at that. Good luck!
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