A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have a dilemma! My cheater ex boyfriend wants me back! Here's some background information on my sad little life...He was my first EVERYTHING. We we're together for 3 years and we we're mainly happy. There were times when I doubted his love for me because he rarely showed any affection towards me; but he would reassure me with his words, his actions rarely did. Anyway he was a good boyfriend in other ways and we were best friends!He broke down and confessed to cheating in the beginning of April 2014. He said the cheating incident happened back in October 2013. He claims it was a one time mistake, drunken mistake. It was not a full on affair. I had no idea it ever happened! He claims he is an alcoholic (his father was and died because of it), he would go out to bars to drink and wouldn't tell me. I was completely oblivious to this! :( He confessed because he couldn't handle the guilt anymore. We broke up, I was shocked and devastated. Eventually 2 weeks after the break up he starts texting me asking how I was doing etc. Later admitting that he wants me back and is willing to do anything for me.During the time apart, he used his time to better himself by quit drinking, quit smoking weed, working out, helping out friends, staying in, reading, eating better, etc. During that time I got right back into the dating scene (probably not the best idea) but it helped keep my mind busy and off of the ex. I've been on dates but I haven't slept with anyone new yet :( I don't know how too, I'm so inexperienced!Anyway he wants me back now and he is saying all the right things. But to me it sounds too good to be true... my trust is gone and I don't think I can fully trust him. I agreed to be his friend because he says he's depressed and he hates himself and he is only happy when he can talk to me. I said that we can be friends and try to repair the trust as friends first. So I've met him in a neutral place like a park to talk about what happened between us and what he is willing to do to earn my trust. He said he will be completely transparent now. He will accept a GPS tracking app on his phone so I can monitor him, he will send pictures of what he is doing every hour, I can check his phone whenever I want; he also said he'll never pick up drinking again. I've learned that he's very serious about getting back together with me and is willing to do whatever I want.Here's a text from him to give you an idea of how he is:"I did learn and I'll forever be faithful from here on out. I know it will take a lot of time for you to trust me again but like I keep saying, I'm willing to do the work. I love you a lot. I messed up and regret it everyday. I hope one day you notice how much I love you and how much I regret my mistake and how I will be loyal from here on out. I understand if that day never happens though. You are a special girl that deserves the best and i wish to give you the best. I miss you a lot and I hope one day to hold you and comfort you again."As you can see it sounds good but is it for real?! I agreed to work on our friendship and I also agreed to go out on a date with him to see if I have any romantic feelings for him left, if not then I'll let him know its dead. I have hung out with him once outside of the park setting and we got along and it felt like old times! With me occasionally bringing up the cheating :/I don't know what to do... should I continue seeing him and see where it goes? or should I run away? I'm so confused. Him wanting me back has complicated things for me because I was trying to move on. I do still care for him and probably always will (he was my first love) but my rational side is wary of him, I have a feeling I may get hurt again and don't want to go through that again! I honestly don't know what to do... any advice/insight is greatly appreciated! thanks
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affair, alcoholic, best friend, broke up, depressed, drunk, I love you, move on, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2014): u must trust your instinct, its very clear that u no longer trust him n u already planned to move on,but lettin him in your world again i think u inviting more pain in your heart let him go start new life with new partner,u wont know what you missing if you still wanna hang on som1 wo is gona hurt u now and then best now make a decision that you wont regret later
A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (6 June 2014):
 I think you're being very nature and wise about this whole thing. I think what you really need to do is discover what you can and can't deal with. If you don't believe you can rebuild the trust or that the damage is so far done that trying to build it back would hurt more than it would help - don't do it. Don't do anything you're not uncomfortable with. He made his decision/mistake. Now you have your decision to make. And you're not wrong for how ever you feel. Stand by your decision with pride in whatever you choose, knowing it was the right thing for you.
I don't think it will make you look weak for taking him back and working on the relationship, if that's what you decide to do. I think that would make you a very strong woman. On the other hand, I would commend you for having the strength not to take him back, if you decide to do that. Because it takes strength to walk away from someone you love because they crossed a very big boundary. It shows you set limits for yourself and are strong enough to stick to them. That as much as you may love him, you love yourself more. And that's how it should be.
Hold your head high no matter what you pick.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@ llifton: I agree, I've told him that this could probably be a learning experience and he'll treat the next girl like gold; because he didn't do it with me :(Yea, I know the GPS and pics every hour is a little over the top. I never wanted to be that girl who is constantly doubting/accusing her boyfriend! I don't think that's normal or healthy behavior. But this whole experience has damaged me unfortunately; I don't want to become the crazy, psycho, insecure, paranoid girlfriend now or with future boyfriends :( He suggested the pictures for when we are apart to put my mind at ease... Sometimes I feel this whole rebuilding trust is more trouble than what its worth! Because I also agree with what you said about "once the trust is destroyed, it's irreparable", you can try but it'll never be 100%...I appreciate your advice! I know if I take him back I can't be on his back constantly, I'll have to take his word for when he says hes somewhere.. which seems pretty difficult already! -__-'
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (6 June 2014):
This is a tough situation. I'm usually of the mindset that once someone cheats, the relationship is over. That once the trust is destroyed, it's irreperable. However, I also do truly believe that people CAN and DO make mistakes. I think that's what he did. And he definitely realizes it.
Now, this doesn't have to mean that you take him back. This could just be a mistake and a learning experience for him for the next girl he dates. Or you could forgive him and give him a second try.
I typically hate cheaters and cheating - as I've been cheated on. But I genuinely think he wholeheartedly regrets what happened. And he did choose to tell you - granted, a little late. But he came clean because it was eating him alive. I think it's possible he may actually turn himself around and be good to you. Sometimes, you have to lose something to realize how much it meant to you.
About the GPS and sending pics every hour .. I hope you realize that's ridiculous. Don't even remotely think about taking him up on that offer, as it's insane. You should not have to check a GPS to make sure he's at home or see a picture of where he is everywhere he goes. That would make for an extremely unhealthy relationship. If you can't just try to take him on his word, and that be enough to try to build back the trust, then you shouldn't give him another chance. If you decide to take him back, you're signing up to look past the cheating and not hold it over his head every opportunity you get. In fact, you're signing up to completely let it go. You have to. There is no other choice. You would be starting fresh. A clean slate. So you do not bring up the cheating. And you let him come and go as he pleases without checking up on him or tracking him. And he needs to realize this may be a long road and be willing to tough it out. And he needs to realize that your trust won't be easy to come by - it's going to be earned, and that may take a while. This is how you redevelop a healthy and loving relationship.
If you don't think it's for you, don't do it. It's not for everybody. But I certainly wouldn't knock you if you wanted to try. It would be hard to say no under these circumstances, as he clearly realizes how much he messed up. And it does seem he loves you.
Best of luck in whatever you decide.
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