A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:About a year ago, my bf of 2 years met a girl at a car event he went to. She’s in a relationship and he was in a relationship with me. I would usually come to the same event with him because he usually likes me to experience it too, even though it’s his hobby. This one particular time I was working a night shift so couldn’t come.He came back from the event in the early hours the next morning and relished in telling me about it as I expected he would. But he also relished about talking about this new girl he met...about how lovely she is and how she helped him at the event. He said he was impressed by her car knowledge and her ability to know what to do. I didn’t bat an eyelid at this, just thought she must be a nice girl.So later I found out they became friends on Facebook...whether he added him or visa Versa...it still didn’t bother me much. Until a few weeks later when it was his birthday and she messaged him, firstly wishing him a happy birthday but then it developed into a full blown conversation about their shared car hobby. He was showing me everything he was saying to her, he’s always been open about who he’s chatting to and what he’s saying, he doesn’t hide anything. Anyway, the messages between him and this girl just kept getting longer and longer, with kisses on the end. This is when I started to get a bit annoyed and said to him it was a bit much when he’s in a relationship and so is she. He didn’t listen at first and continued chatting but in the end when he became glued to his phone and was waiting for her replies, I had to put a stop to them messaging as I thought they must be bonding...at that point he stopped.Since then, she’s likes a lot of his stuff. When I say a lot I mean everything he posts, from pictures of US to selfies of just HIM and everything he posts in between. Because I already have my hackles up about him chatting to her for so long on his birthday, this created an issue back then. Especially because he started liking all of her pictures too. Most of the time she posts pictures of her and her boyfriend so it’s not all that bad. But I think it’s obvious she fancies him, so by him liking her picture, I think that’s giving her a clear message...He’s been really keen on me becoming friends with her and said it would be nice for two couples to get along and go away on car events together. He’s still keen on us doing it but I don’t want to entertain it....not anymore.Then just recently, I thought maybe I had been a bit pathetic in having a bad gut instinct about this girl I don’t know and perhaps I should get to know them. But the paranoia in me drove me to search her on Facebook and scroll down her feed. Lo and behold, she had posted a picture of herself with a filter, smiling and trying to look ‘cute’ and he liked it.In my mind this is disrespectful, especially when I’ve told him how I feel before. He knows I am paranoid about her and him and how well they get along, regardless of them both being in relationships. This morning I couldn’t contain my anger and hurled abuse at him. Most of it was irrational like:How could you like her pictureDo you fancy herI don’t think we’re right for each otherI can’t trust youWe have nothing in commonI don’t like cars, she doesI bet you’ve been secretly messaging each otherBut I was just greeted with “it’s only a picture” which yes it is, but I just am not convinced there’s not something more going on. When I asked him why he felt the need to like it, he said she wasn’t even slightly his type and he liked it out of kindness, probably absent mindedly.Am I pathetic for reacting this way? He made me feel like I was acting a psychopath...which I probably was in the heat of the moment. But this is down right disrespectful right? And may be the start of something bad in our relationship. He’s a charmer, that’s how he woo’d me over in the first place.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2021): Typo corrections:
"He just thinks you're jealous; but you can't just write it off to that."
"Well, you do have to cut him some slack; and continue to casually observe."
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2021): I waited to comeback to your post. It took awhile to think about it.
These types of posts are difficult to advise; because it's hard to tell what is jealousy, what is insecurity, or how unstable you are in your relationship? Then you would have to question his motives and mindset; when he wants to argue with his own girlfriend about being friends with some other guy's girlfriend. If the other guy isn't concerned, maybe you shouldn't be either. There is always a novelty to making a new friend; especially when they share the same nerdiness about a particular interest. I'm not trying to be dismissive of what you suspect.
When communications are closed with affectionate emojis, and conversations get a bit too frequent and extended; it's safe to suspect the connection could be heading down the wrong path. "Likes" don't mean much of anything; it's just being friendly and agreeable.
When you're repeatedly addressed by your partner, who's becoming increasingly agitated and uncomfortable about how you're communicating with someone. Just showing them your "selective" messages doesn't necessarily prove the intent, or that the signals being exchanged are innocent. Sometimes people speak through code to avoid detection. That's where his history has to support his credibility and trustworthiness.
If he's a flirt, or has cheated before; he shouldn't be trusted. His proclivity for being excessively "chummy" or flirtatious with random women might be a giveaway. If he's not, then you need more proof than just some vague messages.
Expressing that you feel the connection is getting a bit too chummy; shouldn't lead to arguments. That's when trust becomes strained. Unless you flip-out every-time he seems friendly with another female. That's a whole different story!!!
There should be a clear and unquestionable-understanding that lines aren't being crossed; in order to maintain the "strictly-friends" and nonsexual tone of their so-called friendship. Appearances and impressions do matter. If you want to be trusted, and to maintain the cohesion and peace within your romantic-relationship, versus a friendship; there had better be a clear contrast between how you conduct the two of them. Noting your age; in all fairness, I will offer him some benefit of the doubt. If he's your age, he has to learn how to make his feelings "distinguishable;" if he wants to have both lady-friends and a girlfriend! If he has too many lady-friends, you shouldn't have committed to him in the first-place!!! If this is the first and only...take a chill-pill, and relax! You've offered insufficient-evidence!
We owe it to our partners to keep them at-ease. Jealous-people are paranoid and possessive. They will never be put at-ease. He doesn't get to tell his side of this; so we'll trust you know your boyfriend well enough to know, if and when, he's up to no-good. If that's not his true-nature; then it all falls back onto you and your behavior.
In heterosexual-relationships; there is always a bit of contention when it comes to having "friends" of the opposite-sex. Messaging can be misinterpreted, and insecurity causes oversensitivity; resulting in overthinking. You're not stupid. You can reference back to how your courtship began. The frequency and tone of the wording in their messaging may seem familiar. That's because you judged his feelings by his words, his style, and the frequency of his contact. You'll notice when he seems too distracted, or over-anxious for her follow-up.
You may be overreacting, but it's hard to tell. You claim he's spending too much time chatting with her; and it seems as though he's dismissing your feelings. Without knowing his side, and all the details; your opinions are totally biased.
It's probable that you'd feel more secure; if their interaction had a more platonic-tone, or feel. I often say, women tend to see through other females. They read each-other's motives and emotions better then we men can. This is only an observation, or generalization; not necessarily a fact. If you're insecure or possessive, you'd overreact to his friendly-connections to any and all women!
When you observe the unusual, and your gut just doesn't feel right, what are you supposed to do? Wait until things go too far? Well, you've attempted your intervention, and sounded your alert. Yet you've gotten a lot of resistance. It's not like he'd admit if there was something going-on! He's not giving you a chance to keep trusting him. He's handling it all wrong. He just thinks your jealous; but you can't just write it off to that. You have eyes and a brain!
Well, you do have to cut him some slack and continue observe. Trust is important/essential in a relationship.
They don't spend any time together; and thus far, they've restricted their contact through social media. If you've noted a lot of his time unaccounted for, sex becomes less frequent, or their messaging becomes secretive; and progressively more chummy than necessary. That's when you hand him an ultimatum. He's an adult, and doesn't require your approval to have friends; and you don't get to choose them for him. That goes both-ways. He can't express his discomfort about your having male-friends; if he seems overprotective and too enthused over some female he hardly knows! Who just so happens to also have a boyfriend. That's no proof she doesn't cheat! Do you know for certain she has a boyfriend, or do you have to take his word for it?
Offer to double-date to get to know the two of them!
No-one here knows your boyfriend like you do; and we haven't read their messages. You know from experience and firsthand-knowledge when he's being "sweet and romantic." Thus far, your gut-feelings seem somewhat inconclusive to me. Emojis are different from actual words. If you think they're speaking in code; then I guess that's why you need to hand-down an ultimatum. Things need to slow-down with her; or you're leaving. If you feel you're being gaslighted, or he's condescending to your intelligence; then you have to base your decision more on fact and evidence, not just a gut-feeling. If he's being oddly defiant; then leave! However, you can't tell him what to do; therefore, you don't have to stick around in an environment that makes you feel uneasy and suspicious.
Continue to remind him, you're keeping an eye on them both; and will only trust him when he shows more respect for your feelings about this matter. You'd like to meet the two of them; so you can get used to all this. Be sincere, don't suggest that in a combative way. Then you'll make him worry you'll cause a scene, and show your bum! Behaving like a psycho-girlfriend!
If he seems to want to avoid that; then you're going to have to make a decision. Whether you feel secure enough to trust him and remain his girlfriend? If you think he's making you feel as though you have to fight for him; then he's not worth the trouble. Dump him!!! Only because he'll keep you feeling suspicious, on-edge, and as though you're competing. No relationship is worth that kind of hassle. If he doesn't notice that you're growing increasingly scared, and he yet grows even closer to her; there's your evidence. Kick his bum to the curb!!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2021): I personally would have a hard time trusting him. Yes, he is a charmer and that is how you got him. I would always worry he does not know how to turn OFF the charm and whether accidentally or on purpose he will charm some other girl the exact same way! Is he the insecure type OP? Does he need validation from others? Females especially? Or is he confident, capable of being friendly without crossing lines? Is he mature, is he a weak man? Only you know him that well. I would not feel comfortable with that relationship. It crossed the line. No platonic friends send kisses. That is way out of line. I think she likes him. He might like her and feel an attraction but he will never admit it to you or himself. But I do think if this relationship was allowed to continue, it would pose a real threat to you. It will eventually cross the line at some other car event or they will find another excuse to meet up. Maybe this time you won't even know about it? It needs to stop. Men and women are not capable of being friends without sexual undertones. Do you want to risk it? I guess if you feel you cannot trust him, you need to tell him to end the friendship. Sorry, too bad for her. She has her own man and has no right to yours. If he loves you, he will listen to you and not do things which hurt you and undermine your trust. You and your relationship will be his priority. He should be more concerned about your relationship with him, not her relationship with him.Time to have a good, long talk. Lay it all out on the line. You cannot continue this way.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2021): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Kenny
Part of me thinks I’m being stupid and over reacting but my gut instinct is telling me otherwise. We ended up arguing about it and he was telling me over and over again that I am the only one for him, he wants to marry me, wants a future with me and that this other girl is taken anyway. That did nothing to reassure me really lol.
He got back so late because there were complications, they take the cars into ditches and winch them out and that particular night they got stuck in mud...I think because she knew how to work a winch that was a massive turn on for him. What guy wouldn’t be attracted to a girl who knows cars?
It’s more the disrespect that’s the problem, the fact that he knew the level of conversation bothered me and then I got bad vibes off her even if she does have a boyfriend and loves him very much. My partner obviously finds her attractive in some way and she definitely finds him attractive, my boyfriend is out of her league and physically more attractive than her boyfriend. He will not admit that he fancies her and swears blind that he doesn’t find her attractive. I guess I’ll just have to take his word for it and keep my eye on him
I deactivated my Facebook because it was only my gut instinct that drove me to look at her wall anyway, I’m not even friends with the girl! What I can’t see I can’t know....and if the behaviours gets worse I know the relationship is not meant to be
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2021): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks KennyPart of me thinks I’m being stupid and over reacting but my gut instinct is telling me otherwise. We ended up arguing about it and he was telling me over and over again that I am the only one for him, he wants to marry me, wants a future with me and that this other girl is taken anyway. That did nothing to reassure me really lol. He got back so late because there were complications, they take the cars into ditches and winch them out and that particular night they got stuck in mud...I think because she knew how to work a winch that was a massive turn on for him. What guy wouldn’t be attracted to a girl who knows cars?It’s more the disrespect that’s the problem, the fact that he knew the level of conversation bothered me and then I got bad vibes off her even if she does have a boyfriend and loves him very much. My partner obviously finds her attractive in some way and she definitely finds him attractive, my boyfriend is out of her league and physically more attractive than her boyfriend. He will not admit that he fancies her and swears blind that he doesn’t find her attractive. I guess I’ll just have to take his word for it and keep my eye on himI deactivated my Facebook because it was only my gut instinct that drove me to look at her wall anyway, I’m not even friends with the girl! What I can’t see I can’t know....and if the behaviours gets worse I know the relationship is not meant to be
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A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (13 April 2021):
 So he met someone at a car event, which just happens to be a women, and they have hit it off and share a common interest for car's.
I do think that the level of interaction between the pair of them is slightly worrying as the conversations are going beyond the realms of cars.
If it was a guy that he met at the car event, i don't think there would this amount of chat, and liking pictures and kisses after messages.
Are these car events normally a day event?. How come he came home in the early hours the next morning?.
I think here you are going to have to just go by your women's intuition here, your gut instinct.
Trust is one of the most important factors that bind a relationship together, without trust a relationship is doomed to fail.
Yo have to ask yourself, do you trust him?. Can you trust him?. If
Personally i don't think he would show you the correspondence if he was up to know good, and be displaying acts of secretness like turning his phone upside down, or taking it where ever he goes.
If you can't trust him then it's best to end this relationship because you will end up watching his every move and stalking his and her social media activity, which will end up driving you up the wall.
Either trust him when he says she is not his type in any way and get on with your lives. Or carry on with the distrust and walk away from the relationship.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2021): I think you're right, I wouldn't like my boyfriend acting like that and it would either stop or I'd leave him. Affairs don't just start out of no where they build up to it.
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