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anonymous
writes:My buddy is dating this really messed up girl. They have some really good highs but some bad lows. It's extremely draining for him and he puts up with a lot and I know why he does:The sex is really good. He's got some particular "preferences" and the fact that she genuinely shares these with him is rare. It's never happened before and I agree with him that chances are slim that he'll find another girl like her in that department.I'm looking at this from the sidelines and she's a total nut job! More importantly, I REALLY don't want a baby coming out of this and she REALLY wants a baby. She's trying hard to locking him down. I'm urging him on my end to keep that condom on(!) and she's urging him on her end to take it off(!). I can't trust my buddy to always think with the right head. It's hard for me to put myself in his shoes because I don't fully understand his sexual needs and why this is so important for him but I trust that it is. I know that it certainly wouldn't be a tough call for me to dump this crazy girl but in his case, I don't know... I want him to be happy. When else in his life is he going to get this kind of satisfaction? they both enjoy it and feel lucky to have each other to share it but HUGE RED FLAGS spring up in every other department of the relationship. This girl is bad news.I know it's a question of values, risks and priorities and that these are different for everyone. The society my buddy and I live in would certainly dictate a different code but I trust him when he tells me how important this is for him and I've laid out, quite clearly, what the risk of pursuing this is (a baby, a long term relationship with this crazy girl and a big long headache for years to come) and he knows he's got to mitigate this risk if he chooses this path.I essentially told him to enjoy it and be careful (more careful than he's been so far). What do you think? Any advice?
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2009): did anyone read my advice? (the first one who posted) you all basically just repeated exactly what i said…
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionGreat advice all around. Thank you very much for your insights.
It's funny because just recently I was really interested in a woman and when this didn't work out this buddy told me, in no uncertain terms, to drop it and move on. What I do? I flat out ignored his advice - everyone's really - and kept pushing because I was blind and maybe I still I am.
So much for advice... In hindsight, I sometimes wish that my buddies had smacked some sense into me more forcefully. You need their eyes when you're blind but advice, no matter how great, is never worth as much as one would hope.
Everyone's got to learn from their falls. I just hope he doesn't fall too hard.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2009): Honestly, you've done all you can do. If you're right, and the whole thing ends in a disaster, you'll have to decide if you want to help him pick up the pieces.
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reader, natasia  +, writes (8 April 2009):
 You can never really tell someone what to do in a relationship - well, you can, but in the end they will always do what feels best for them, regardless of any advice.
I'm not sure what this 'preference' is that they share, but if it is such a strange thing, have you thought that maybe only a wild sort of girl might actually go for it? It sounds to me like he is unlikely to find a perfect girl-next-door to be his Stepford wife who will also fulfill whatever this weird sexual need is.
And don't say that sex isn't important, because it is. I used to think it wasn't, but now I have (firmly) changed my mind.
Sex is a whole secret world between a couple, and it is what separates them from being just friends. On its deepest level, it is a connection with something so essential that we really shouldn't underestimate it or miss out on it. Does he want to have a child? Does he think she's a nightmare? You see, I don't believe that he is just with her because he enjoys the sex - I think he has connected with her on a level that he hasn't with anybody else. If this happens, it is the most natural thing to want to create new life together. And the sexual soul doesn't think about what will happen even a year down the line - it thinks only in the present.
They sound as if they are both infatuated with each other, regardless of each other's 'suitability'. On some level, they are perfectly suited.
To be honest, I don't think you have a chance of splitting them up, and I'm not even sure it's your place to try to do that. I think you just have to support him and go with it. And if he does end up having a child with her, you need to give the relationship, and her, some respect.
But I don't know the details - don't know how mad she is, and don't know what bizarre sex they have.
Don't condemn it totally, though - perhaps they're experiencing something you haven't yet ...
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reader, Honeypie  +, writes (8 April 2009):
 All you can do really is tell him what you think. The rest is up to him. IF she gets pregnant, well the there will be him paying child support for 18-21 years.
Hopefully he will "grow up" and realize that sex truly isn't everything before he knocks her up.
You can not live his life for him. Sometimes we have to screw up and make dumb mistakes in order to grow. Why he is so hell bent on focusing on the sex and not the rest is hard to say. Again he might not be able to explain it either.
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reader, Yos  +, writes (8 April 2009):
 Sounds like my ex. In the end I started to realize how unstable she was, and at that point my friends all made their opinions very clear. It was certainly my decision to leave her, but having all your friends telling you "you're doing the right thing" made the decision easier.
I am hugely relieved we didn't have any children however. So your advice to him to be careful about contraception I highly encourage!
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reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (8 April 2009):
 I think it's your friend's business. All you can be is a sounding board for him. Tell him to write us if he wants or needs advice.
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reader, missHelp; +, writes (8 April 2009):
 in my opinion if he's happy then let him be, if he doesnt want to be with this girl then he doesn't have to its easy enough to walk out, as a mate i can see your just worried but just take a step back and see the happy side of the relationship, you will thank me for telling you to do that in later days. if they fall out and you are this much involved you will be the bad one and both will falll out with you so please just watch x
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2009): it's his life…if he screws things up, that's his problem…he's a grown man and it's not your responsibility…you've put in your two cents…and no matter what amazing advice you give, it probably won't matter and he'll still go out and do whatever he wants, even if it's not good for him…try not to stress yourself out about it too much…some people have to make mistakes in order to learn from them…rather than listening to the wiser opinion of someone else…
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