A
female
age
41-50,
*rother in law drama
writes:I've been researching in-law troubles for a very long time and have not found any help to my problem. I have never posted a comment or entered a forum but here it goes. I'm desperate. I have been married for 8 years and with my husband for 18 yrs. I have always gotten along with my in-laws. As far as my mother and sis in law I love them as my own family. Now....my brother in law on the other hand is a completely different story. We had always gotten along UNTIL he asked to be set up with one of my friends. My friend was not a close friend but started to say that he was an ***hole and stuff so I stopped talking to her as much to not cause problems between me and the in-laws. My mil and sil didn't like her for there own reasons but the bil fell for her and her kid hard. She told him a bunch of lies and would cry to him about his family not liking her and caused him to be distant from my mil and sil and he stopped speaking to me and his brother for 2 yrs even though a year of the she left him and they have not seen or been together since (now about 3 years) last xmas he called my husband (his brother) and they started talking and hanging out. When it came to me though he wouldn't say even hi or look my way. He would not be respectful even at family gatherings. My daughters bday party came and just as the past 3 yrs my bil did not get an invitation. He gave his couSin and my mil a sob story about not being invited but how could I have someone in MY home who could not be respectful towards me. This was hurting my hubby, my mil and my kids so since I knew he wouldn't meet me I text him and said exactly this...." I want to apologize for any thing I did or anything you think I did. I see this problem with you and me is affecting your mom, brother and nieces and I don't like to see the people I love hurt so maybe we can just leave the past in the past and be respectful towards one another at least so that things can be somewhat normal." This was the reply I got " you fu##ed up when you fu**ed with my last girlfriend. Stay the f**k away from me a**hole" Okay now. In my eyes totally not called for. Now I expected my hubby to defend me (his wife) mother of his kids. Not fight the guy but tell him that crap is unacceptable. My bil has anger issues. No secret. He has gotten into confrontations with just about every person in his family. He treats his sis and mom like crap and no one tells him anything cuz he is sensitive and will get angry or upset. But there is line and I feel he crossed it. My husband seemed more mad at me for sending the message without asking him first then what his brother said to me. Hubby turned cold to me and kept talking to his bro like nothing. He said his brother needs to blame someone other then himself for his girl leaving him and his brother chose me and that's fine. (Why is that fine, tell him maybe she left him cuz he cheated on her, or she found numbers in his pants or cuz he used to push and shove her and call her names) Eventually he read for himself what his brother sent and stopped talking to him for awhile. The mil guilts my hubby and he was not letting up and I was proud of him. He said " I'm not giving my brother a pass, he owes me something. An apology or acknowledgment that he was wrong" I was sooo happy. He was being strong and in some way defending me. Standing by my side. That was short lived. He gave his brother the pass cuz his mom made him feel guilty for not talking to his brother. When he didn't speak to my hubby for 3 yrs over some girl he was just dating. Don't get me wrong. They are not the same. They text and what not and have small talk. But that's the start. Eventually they will go out to the store or hang out and it kills me. It makes me so angry and hurt when I hear his brother call his cell. Or I know he is texting his brother. I tried to have the I don't care attitude but I do. It is so uncomfortable going to his moms house (bil 36 still lives with mommy) that I ONLY go there for parties and even that is uncomfortable. I don't know what to do. I feel my hubby should have told him that crap you said to my wife wasn't cool or acceptable. But nothing. I feel let down by my bestfriend. I get so angry when he is talking or texting his brother. Like I have been slapped in the face. How can I overcome these feelings. When his relationship with his brother goes back to hanging out and stuff I'm gonna explode. Today I shut my hubbys alarm off on his cell and he had a text from his brother and he could sense my mood change but I always say its nothing cuz I would feel like a horrible person if I asked him to chose between me and his brother. If anyone lasted reading this long any suggestions are appreciated.
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female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (20 January 2011):
 I did read your whole question, the text your brother in law sent you was unacceptable. He has requested you stay away from him.
Families are such touchy subjects, those of us who were not born into them often have great difficulty in trying to work out the dynamics and why the operate the way they do. However, none of that excuses your brother in laws behaviour, but you need to work ut some way that you can get back on track with your husband, while dealing with the fact he and his brother still communicate. You are going to have to be the one who gives a little here.
Try telling your husband you understand the bond or ties between him and his brother are strong and that you dont want to force those ties to be broken. However, you are not willing to accept the way you were spoken to. If you husband wants to communicate with his brother it shouldnt impinge on time he spends with you and your children. Also, although your brother in law is not welcome in your house, you are quite comfortable with your husband meeting with him elsewhere. If you cant visit your mother in law without your BIL being there, invite her to your house, or go and pick her up and have picnics in the nearest park with her and your children or similar activities. Hopefully once everybody sees that you are the one acting like an adult they will see your brotherin law for the manipulative nasty thing he is.
good luck!
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