A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I don't really know where to start on this, I suppose right at the beginning. I'm sorry, but this is going to be really long.Before I ever had a boyfriend, I thought I'd be the kind of girlfriend that wouldn't care about my boyfriend's past or if he hangs out with girls or spends a lot of time with his mates.Well, me and my boyfriend first starting talking at the end of 2008. Although I liked him right from the start, we talked just as friends. One day, somehow, we got onto the subject of ex's and the things we had done. I was still a virgin and had only ever kissed one guy, which was a huge mistake. He told me he'd had 3 girlfriends and was sort of seeing someone at the time (it wasn't anything serious and it wasn't official) but had only slept with 2 of them. He got cheated on by all 3 of his ex's. I wasn't bothered by the fact he'd been with a couple of girls. He asked me if I wanted to be his girlfriend beginning 2009, of course I said yes. I still was not bothered by him having been with other girls before. Really he is everything anyone could ask for, he is caring, gentle, loyal and always does everything he possibly can to make me happy.A couple of months into the relationship, I started getting bothered about him having been with other girls and it really started to hurt thinking of him with anyone else. I told him about it and we talked about it for a bit, I felt a bit better for a while, but even now I still get those thoughts and it hurts so much. I mean, I know it's his past and there is nothing either of us can do about it. I know he would never want to get back with any of those girls and I know that he only loves me. I always tell myself that. And I know those relationships ended for a reason (like stated above, because he was cheated on by all of them). I know I shouldn't be feeling like this and that it's ridiculous!I just want to know why it's bothering me now, if it didn't before and how I can get over it. I know all the typical answers of not thinking about it, and that I should probably grow up. By now I even hate it when he talks to other girls. Except that one time, I have not told him that his past bothers me and I haven't told him that I don't like it when he talks to other girls because I know I have no reason to feel this way, so he doesn't even know how I feel right now. But I really can't help the way I feel. I've tried so many times not to let it bother me. I've read other posts about this, yet nothing seems to help.I really don't want to lose him, and I would never even think of breaking up with him over this. But this is starting to eat me up inside and I have no idea what to do about it. I really hope that someone can give me some advice that will help me get over this, I don't want it to start ruining our relationship. Sorry again that this is so long.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2011): My boyfriend used to brag about the girls he banged in the past in details. Maybe he told me that before to make him look so masculine and maybe he though I'm one of those girls whom he can dispatch after getting what he wants. We've been in the relationship for about 3 years but those issues are still within me. I love him but his past haunts me. Its easy to say for some that if you truly love the person, you have to accept whatever their past maybe. Its ideal but let me remind you all that we live in an imperfect world. He cheated me once. I still accepted him out of revenge. I don't want that girl to succeed. I want to crush her. I succeed but what's left for me is the trust for my bf broken. My bf did everything to proved me that he changed. I can see that he really did.
Everything was wrecked but my revenge was replaced with love and we were able to reconstruct the broken parts of our relationship. When the time comes that he started working and going out of town about 4 days in a week the feeling of uneasiness comes. It haunts me again. I tried to hide it but it has its way of overpowering my control.
Everytime he rejects me for sex, it makes me feel so much unattractive. There comes my litany of his sexual escapades and asking him if he is cheating for he lose his desire to make love with me. He always complain that he's tired of work. I feel I'm not enough for him or probably lesser than the girls he had sex before. I think I need a break. A time for myself but he won't let me. How will I love him fully if his pasts still haunts me which affects my temper and everything else.
How I wish I have an amnesia so that those things will never haunt me again.
A
female
reader, nads2010  +, writes (9 July 2010):
 hey i know exactly how you feel, i dont know if its more of a jelousy thing or what, but if i knew how to stop these emotions i feel i would do anything to make them go away. My Partner is around 30 years older than me and i know that seems shoking but please keep your opinions about that to yourself cause i love him to bits, theres just a few things about him and his past that i dont love to bits.My boyfriend has an ex-wife and 2 twin daughters that he has no contact with, and has had a several past girlfriends and many many sexual encounters that just absolutly make me sick.I cant handle the fact that he has an ex-wife and that hes had sex with other girls in the past.Im not a virgin ive had my fair share of sexual encounters so i dont know why it bothers me so much when my past relationships dont bother him. I cant even handle the fact that he looks at porno magazines from time to time when im away for long periods of time, i found some of his magazines the other day and it made me sick and upset me that much that i balled my eyes out about it. I also recently found out that hes been involved in a gang bang when he was younger, him and about 15 of his mates all lining up to have sex with one skank, it makes me sick to know that hes been involved in any sexual encounter with anyone except myself. I wish he was a virgin and that i was the only one that hed had sex with, but i know thats impossible given his age.i wish i could stop these feelings of jelousy and i know thats what it is, i just dont know how to get over it, and i dont want to break up with him over it because i couldnt handle seeing him with anyone else. I know i have a huge problem here i just wish i knew how to fix it, it does bring me comfort though to know that other girls feel the same way so your not alone i know exactly how you feel. sorry for the such long reply but i hope this may bring you a bit of comfort as it has done me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThats the thing, I do realise that! That is why I asked if anyone has anymore advice because the usual "it's his past" and "the relationship ended for a reason" or "he's with you now" don't seem to make me feel better.
I KNOW it's gonna be bad for our relationship later on if I can't get over this issue. And I guess the reason why it hurts even more is because it didn't bother me at the start.
Thing is, he is still suffering the consequences of being cheated on, and I have to deal with it, so it's not even like I can easily forget about him having been with others before me because I'm reminded of it everyday. He has paranoia running through his family, and being cheated on has made this a whole lot worse.
But it's definitely good to know that I'm not the only one who feels this way.
And thanks for answering
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female
reader, livinituk +, writes (21 March 2010):
i know a lot of people feel like this this and ive never understood why, everyone has a past and the thing you need to realise is that his past is the reason why your man is the way he is, you said he's everything you want well if he hadnt have been with these other girls and hadn't been treated badly by them then there could be every chance that he wouldnt realise how good he's got it with you and treat you like crap but he doesnt he respects, cares n loves you because he can see your different to his past relationships.
Not wanting to imagine your man with anyone else is completely understandable but he's not with anyone else now, he's with you and by the sounds of things you've got a great relationship with this man and the only thing that could ruin it is ur irrationational thoughts because there will come a point where if you don't sort this out now you will let it consume your every thought and it will cause you to grow apart, if that thought doesn't scare you in to changing how you think about it then i don't know what will.
if you truely love this man and don't want this to ruin your relationship then love everything about him...especially his past, embrace it, accept it and, for your relationships sake and your own, move on from it.
hope that helps ('',)
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2010): Before I wrote on this site I felt like I was the only one that felt like this. Since writing on here I now Know I'm not alone.So far for I feel like my guy is worth it and I'm trying to persevere.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2010): Hello there,
This is becoming a very common issue. I have sufferd with this for about a year and from being on DearCupid I have realised that I am far from the only one who deals with such feelings.
Feelings jealous about your bf's past is somewhat natural. The thought of your loved one being with another is no doubt bound to cause you pain. However, what you must realise is that this happened in the past when you were not in the picture. Your bf did not know that you were coming along, and he couldn't (and shouldn't) be expected to not have special moments (or sex) with other females.
From experience I can tell you that there is no easy way to get over it. It takes time and depending on how strong your emotions are, effort in order to really get over it.
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