A
female
age
26-29,
*ambina
writes:(Sorry, this ended up being a long question. It's a few issues, that all stem from the same issue. I think. I hope the below makes sense!)So I've been with my boyfriend for 14 months and for the most part our relationship is happy and healthy. In the past we've tried dating and I've ended up being hurt by him, but I know now that he was in an incredibly difficult place at the time and since giving it another go, he's been so much better.The only problem is that I still feel as though I make most of the effort. He has a very controlling mother and I'm always needing to accommodate her by having plans cancelled last minute. The issue is so bad that she didn't even know we were dating for the first eight or so months of our relationship! It used to be a source of tension between my boyfriend and me, as I felt that it was cowardly of him not to tell her, even if she wouldn't approve. I guess what I'm saying is that I wish I didn't have to be walked all over for this relationship to work. Since we've been at uni (mid September) I've taken the eight hour round trip to stay with him twice, even though my course load is objectively heavier and I hate his city/accommodation. In addition to this, he's been down to my area to visit family without seeing me once. Now it's the holidays and I want to make the most of it but his mother keeps making plans for him, even when she knows he has plans with me. He never stands up for me, which leaves me constantly wondering if our plan is just going to be cancelled at his mother's whim.I don't know how much longer I can cope with being the last thing on his list of priorities. He assures me he loves me, constantly tells me I'm perfect (I hate that) and always makes me feel like I am important to him when we finally do get to meet. It's just wearing thin when his actions go against what he says, and the cynic in me feels like he's just trying to keep the peace without having to put in any real effort. I've tried to talk about this with him and he always gets really upset/apologetic but nothing really changes. What should I do? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Bambina +, writes (4 January 2015):
Bambina is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi guys,Sorry for the late response! Your replies have all been interesting and very helpful in reassuring me that this isn't normal or okay. Since I'm still very in love with him and not interested in going out and finding someone else, we've come up with a temporary solution.I've told him pretty much everything I've said here, and then some. He took it the same way he always does: "yeah, you're absolutely right, I'm sorry I've hurt you yada yada yada I'll try to change" and I pushed it further, telling him I didn't believe him for a minute. I expressed that I was getting close to breaking up with him even though I really really didn't want to. My ultimatum for him is this. He has until February when both our exams finish to step up, find a way to handle his family AND me (I don't want to make it an either-or) and prove to me that he has done so. In that time, I don't want to talk to him or meet him as I need to focus on exams and building a better network of uni friends rather than relying on him for support. We've also agreed that this doesn't change anything about the exclusivity of our relationship (i.e. no messing around with other people)To be honest, I still feel that he's mostly to blame for our troubles but I'm not 100% faultless (eg. I need to take responsibility for the sacrifices I choose to make for him). I'm willing to put some work into keeping this relationship going IF he is.Thanks for your advice, I'll hopefully have an update for you in a few weeks' time x
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (28 December 2014):
 You note: "...I don't know how much longer I can cope with being the last thing on his list of priorities."
I suggest that you give it 15 minutes. Tell "boyfriend" that you wrote this submittal.... and ask him if he ever expects to find that he has grown genitals.... IF he sez, "Gee... how will I know?" ... then you know he's a lost cause..... If he sez, "I've got 'em now... and they're telling me that I've got to tell my Mummy to butt out of mine (and your's) life...." then you'll know there's some remote hope for him... BUT don't cast your lot with him until you can be certain that he's snipped his and "Mummy's" apron strings....
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (28 December 2014):
 Stop being last on HIS list of priorities, and on YOUR list of priorities. Remove yourself from his list and put yourself at the top of your list.
If you have been around and around with this and nothing in the relationship is changing then you need to change the way you view the relationship.
Either accept it is not going to change, and decide that you can live with it, or accept it is not going to change and decide you cant live with it.
I hope you will end this relationship and find a bloke who will put you closer to the top of his priority list.
Good luck whichever way you decide to go.
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A
female
reader, Ginger fish  +, writes (28 December 2014):
 You need to t ell him to grow a pair and make you a priority or the relationship isn't going to work. You seem to take the relationship between you two more seriously than he does. I can guarantee you though that's its only going to get worse. If I were in that situation in all honesty I would give him an ultimatum but I wouldn't hold my breath. You should go and find some one who is proud to be with you an actual man (I'm sorry to be blunt but it seems he's more like a little boy than a full grown man) you deserve too be with someone who is proud to call you there's an will stand up for you and you're relationship. As you have said nothing changes an it won't because a person has to want to change and has to put time an effort in to it and it really doesn't seem like he wants to
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