A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:To cut straight to the chase, I think my girlfriend is selfish. But is she? Is it just me overreacting? Basically I really like this girl. We've been together about 2 months. We've told each other that we like each other and were not trying to meet anyone else now. I don't doubt her feelings for me.However I find her really selfish sometimes. For example a couple if nights ago when we were in different cities, we had a long conversation on messenger which I know isn't ideal. She was venting at me about her parents and how much trouble she was having with them. I stayed awake until about 5am and tried to offer my support while she ranted away. I didn't mind at all. I wanted to help. But the next morning, I didn't hear from her. I thought she might text or call to say she was sorry for keeping me awake or just thank me for being there. But nothing. Then I text her in the afternoon to see how she was and she said she was fine and that she had been busy and how she was off to see a friend. That's all fine. But there was not a single "how are you" from her. No "thank you" or anything. She knows I'm going through a stressful time too at the moment but she doesn't ask. I think she cares but I just feel she's being a bit self centred. Is she?If so, how do I mention it to her? Should I? As its still early days and I like everything else about her, I want to make things work. I'm not sure if mentioning this to her now would rock the boat too much!Any advice gladly received, however harsh! Thanks!
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2014): I go out of my way for friends and I often get calls or frantic text messages in the middle of the night. Awaken out of a deep-sleep.
I have my problems too, but I offer my ear and a shoulder without a second-thought. People show their appreciation in unexpected and truly heartfelt ways. I sometimes receive free concert/theater tickets, I get a party invite, or asked out to dinner clear out of the blue. I don't hesitate to cash-in through favors, when I'm down on my luck. Sometimes I get a card or a gift. I often don't remember why? So cut her some slack. You've known her only two months. "Selfish" might be harsh! Emotional? Yes!
I may not have gotten so much as a good-bye when the night-caller hang-up. I realized that's just how upset they were at the time(or drunk!). She vented out of hysterics. She was nearly out of her mind, and went on and on. When she needed a friend, she thought of you. That's gratitude and a compliment rolled into one. She could have called an ex, or a girlfriend. Being a family-issue, she exposed her dirty laundry. Allowing you access to her private-life. Exposing her female vulnerability.
You may not get an immediate gesture or action to show appreciation for your good deeds; but you're building credits toward being a good potential-boyfriend.
She was freaked-out at the time, in a highly agitated state, and not really aware of her etiquette. You can mention next time you see her; "wow you seemed really upset the other night. Was I of any help?" This is a cue and invitation to offer her thanks in gratitude. If you absolutely need it!
Otherwise, don't be petty. Thanks comes in many ways, and in not so many words. I guess I'm a die-hard Samaritan, and don't expect much in return when I help people. If it's a friend or a loved-one, I just put an unspoken "thanks" on their tab; knowing how much they love and depend on me.
A
female
reader, Sincerely Yours +, writes (28 December 2014):
 It's not a good idea to do any thing while expecting a verbal gratuity in exchange, nor an apology for your time. Although a "thank you" was not said, it was most likely felt by her. People too often forget to express their feelings, whether negative or positive. A more important thing to consider is does she give you the same respect you give to her ? You may be going through a rough time but that was put aside so that you could be selfless I believe- because she needed help and you helped her. However wanting something in return is not selfless. I think her exchange for your actions will be evident when you need to talk in the wee hours and she puts aside her problems to focus on you.
It is possible she woke up and didn't want to wake you since you had been up so late, then she proceeded with her day waiting for your wake up text, or just really was super busy. And it is possible that she is thinking mostly of herself and not you. This event doesn't seem indicative of a self centered personality. I think there will be more situations and conversations before you can conclude that.
I do like what the first poster had to say. If you believe she is selfish, then that's what she is to you. However you should also examine your own intentions and expectations. It's possible you both could alter your mind frame a little in order to fully sync.
~SY
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (28 December 2014):
This is one of those questions when an outsiders opinion really shouldn't matter.
If YOU think she is selfish, then she's selfish. If I don't think she's selfish based on what you say, what good is that to you? You'll still continue to feel like she's selfish.
For what it's worth I don't see a big problem here but it's probably because it's hard to relay a question like this.
I think bringing it up with her won't help anything. You have to accept her for sho she is. What you're describing is very minor and she wouldn't change.
It's easier to change something specific like, you need to be on time, you should dress more goth, you should fart in another room, etc.
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