A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Dear Cupid,My boyfriend and I are both 22 years old, we just finished university and have been looking for jobs. I managed to finally find one however my boyfriend is still looking and trying to find one.The problem is, I'm unsure of how to pose this as a question but I feel extremely sorry for him. I don't want him to feel like I pity him but I usually go over to his house on the weekends to stay over and every single time I go, his house has no food. He has one sibling, a younger sister who gets given money to get food at school and she usually gets cooked for but doesn't tend to eat much anyway.My boyfriend on the other hand, is always hungry. I know you may think it's not the mothers responsibility to cook which is true, but there are no ingredients in the house either for him to cook. Whenever I go, there's a bare minimum.I have been with him for a year now so this is a daily thing, there have been times where he has become so angry and questioned whether it's normal to starve in your own household. Every single friend I have gets treated like a son/daughter, my mum always makes sure the fridge is full and there is something to eat. She doesn't really cook because I am capable of doing that myself, but she will always tell me to come food shopping with her so that there is food for everyone.Whereas his mum will specifically buy ingredients for herself and then put it in her bedroom in the mini fridge that she has bought for herself. She also has a lock on her bedroom door so that the food doesn't get touched, I find that extremely pathetic because as a mother, she should be looking after her children and making sure they aren't going to sleep hungry.One thing I noticed is that the fridge doesn't even have basics such as bread, cheese, eggs, milk... there is always something missing, there's either no cereal and loads of milk, no bread but there's eggs, no rice, no pasta, nothing... Just random items such as butter and onions, etc. Nothing that can be put together to make a dish, and that really upsets me that he has to scrounge for food in his own house yet when I come home there's always food, my mum is not focused on saving when it comes to food because she cares and she wants us to be fed. His mum will shout at him for not cooking anything when she comes back from work yet there's nothing to cook with. He will eat sandwiches for dinner on most days because there's nothing else to make, and that saddens me. He will tell me on certain days that all he has eaten is some porridge and scrambled egg, and most of the time when I do go to this house he has basic foods such as oats or cheese sandwiches. I'm not too sure how this can be answered, but I feel so unhelpful. I wish I could change the way that she thinks or help him out but he lives an hour away from me by train so it's difficult for him to come over, otherwise I would always be inviting him over for dinner, etc.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2015): This lady is strange! Is it a cultural thing that when your child is an adult it is not your responsibility to be there for him or her? even cooking a meal is too much??It might be cultural but how someone has a heart to do what this lady is doing!? If I see someone even a stranger hungry I even can't eat until give something to that person. I just can not believe it! Is it too much too cook for your owm children? I don't know maybe it's me. I go beyond my responsibilities to make sure my children are comfortable it doesn matter how old they are I will always be there for them. I used my saving to pay for my child university.I always cook and provide for him because I want him to just focus on his study. When he comes home the food is always ready. I don't want him to have any debt when he graduate.
A
female
reader, pinktopaz  +, writes (28 February 2015):
None of this really makes sense. So it's apparent and known that she's absentminded and doesn't really pay attention to her kids...he even has to pay the bills for her, but she's supposed to know how much to give him to buy enough groceries for the family? That makes no sense.
If the problem is that she's out-of-touch with how things are (paying bills the cost of things), then he should probably tell her. Like when he goes to the store for her and she only gives him enough money for herself, then shouldn't he say..."Mom, this isn't going to cover meals for little sister and me, can I have more to last us the next week?"
While it's nice to have a family that buys food for their grown kids (mine did), they don't have to. Either your boyfriend needs to speak up and stop being what you portray him as, which is essentially her caretaker that gets nothing, or he needs to get a job. That's why I asked earlier if he's ever had a job. If he's straight out of a university and never had a job before, good luck finding the job he wants. Like I said, if he's that hungry, there's plenty of places (where he probably doesn't necessarily want to work) that are hiring.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (28 February 2015):
 Sorry for the multiple responses but I had a "lightbulb moment"
From your original question: " I usually go over to his house on the weekends to stay over and every single time I go, his house has no food".
It seems that your complaint isn't just that there is no food for him or his sister, but no food for you to cook and show off your culinary skills. Finally I have a practical suggestion for you .....
Have him come over to your house on the weekends, where you are guaranteed a full fridge. Problem solved, you can still play house and cook for him, knowing that there will ALWAYS be a fridge full of food you have chosen paid for by YOUR mother, and maybe once she realises the free loaders are not coming back HIS mother will feel its safe once again to put her food in her fridge.
Problem Solved!
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (28 February 2015):
You say your question is what can you do to help.
My question is help what?
The 14 year old is given money to buy food at school, where she has her main meal of the day, and it sounds like she can eat what is in the house, whether it is eggs, or bread, or oatmeal, you don't seem to be claiming going hungry. If you believe she IS going hungry or is being neglected then your ADULT boyfriend should step in and ensure she isn't going hungry or being neglected.
Your boyfriend is 22. Let me ask some questions to try and see if I am not understanding you, or if you are not understanding the majority of the answers you have so far.
Does your boyfriend have any income?
Does your boyfriend smoke?
Does your boyfriend visit the pub for a beer or two?
Does your boyfriend buy train tickets to visit you?
Does your boyfriend pay when you go on dates?
If he does any of the above why isn't he spending the money on staples to augment the food his mother has in her house rather than go hungry?
On re reading your original question I see that what you want to know is how to make your boyfriend's family more likes yours.
That, dear girl, would take a magic wand and who is to say his mother wants to be like your mother anyway, raising a daughter who expects mothers to raise children who expect their parents to support them when they are legally adult and responsible for feeding themselves.
Unless the 14 year old is hungry and neglected you need to accept not everybody's family or house is run along the same lines, and move on.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2015): At 22 I had two babies and had to run a house a pay all my own
Bills Housing , food , electricity, gas, water, petrol etc....not get free board and place to live . How blessed he is.
I do hope he thanks his mother for allowing him, an adult, go live in her home rent free while she pays all utilities I assume surely he is capable of getting a part time job and feeding himself . Does he have a disability ? Is there any reason he needs to be cared for like a child when he is aupposedly a fully grown man being given a helping hand with free lodging from his very generous mother ?
When he does get a job, don't forget to tell him go buy his mum the biggest box of chocolates and thank her for letting an adult stay in her house rent free and paying all his bills
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (27 February 2015):
 OP, the point which most people here made ,and that you are totally missing is, take you take too much for granted. For instance, that a parent is under the obligation to feed an ADULT child ( who, in this case, has also been given already the tools to get a living, i.e. a college education ).
Now, that some people, or even several people if you wish, may choose to do just that, feed them for free,- if so they want and if they can easily afford it, sure why not, it's not against the law. But it is not something that's due, mandarory or to be routinely expected. And if it does not happen, generally there are valid reasons, beyond the " selfishness" or criminal neglect which you accuse this woman of.
Btw, again, it does not sound as if this woman is actually STARVING her son , as it would be, I agree, rather drastic by any parent even with an OLDER son than your bf.
But your bf lives at home, rent free and bill free- plus he gets the BASICS . The bread , cheese, oatmeal, rice , etc. that you mention. So he does not get fillet mignon or chocolate cookies. Well, for instance , he could go sell that laptop of his, if he wants goodies.
As for routinely taking along an ADULT son or daughter grocery shopping , to fill rhe cart with what he / she wants ... no, OP, definitely not " everybody " does it. That may be the prevalent habit in your specific social circle, but ,let me assure that I am an ITALIAN MOM !! - which should mean a lot of mommying right ? - but no, I don't do it and none of my friends/acquaintances with adult children does it.
As Chigirl suggested , your world is not all the world, and your ways are not everybody's ways.
P.S. As other poster say, if you think that the kid sister is being starved, then is a different story , report this to Social Services. Then again... here too, you say she gets " money for school ". What money for school ? You said the school is free, and anyway any tuition would have beeen paid before. What is " money for school " ? There's nothing to buy, in a classroom ! So, she is getting money for LUNCH - which she is spending on lunch just as she is supposed to do, and as she is doing. Maybe it was not intentional, but you sort of made it sound as if the girl had to distract money earmarked for other things, to be able to feed herself.....
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2015): There is a massive issue here, but it's not what you're focusing on and your bf going hungry - it's the 14 year old being treated like this! I personally would report her to the NSPCC and the police. In the UK if the police receive a concern for safety for a child (his younger sister only being 14) and that you specifically state there is no food in the house for her, they will go and check the house. The police will then forward their findings to social services. Or you can ring NSPCC and provide this anonymously and they'll pass it onto the police.
What I do not understand is why your bf, being 22, doesn't get out of the house, to the supermarket and buy food for him and his sister. At 22 I was buying my house, surely he can cope with going to a supermarket and providing food for him and his sister. If he teaches her some basic, staple meals then when he does move out she will have the knowledge to do her own. Whilst it shouldn't be his responsibility, I don't see how he can do nothing about this. You say this happened to him at 14, how can he watch this happen to his sister?
Money might be tight, and he's looking for a job. He may not find a job that he wants but there are plenty of jobs out there that he can do until he gets one in the area he wants. There's agencies, supermarkets, pubs, coffee shops. If you do not have a job then there is no being picky, he can get out and find something.
If you're that concerned then you need to report the mother for neglecting her daughter and your bf should be trying to help himself and his sister. He can help his sister learn to budget her money. Buying lunch everyday at school will take up lots of the cash, she could buy some basics every few days; bread, cheese...and make herself a lunch. Then she might have money left for things for dinner; pasta, jars of sauce... Your bf can help teach her to enable her to solve the problem - again, she shouldn't have to do this, so report the mother to the police/NSPCC and social services will get involved.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm going to keep this short and simple.I have been with him for a year, every time I go there its the same thing.His sister never complains about it because she is so used to eating as much as she can at school, so when she comes home, she's either already had a filling lunch or she just doesn't bother eating. She does mention how there's never any food in the house but tends to laugh it off saying 'that's just how my mum is, she's forgotten that we exist' My bf tends to do the same, when his mum asks him to go shopping, she will only give him enough money to cover the food that she wants and she will then ask him to bring it up to her room and she will lock it away, but what about money for the food for her two children? My bf is not a lazy person at all, he has been applying to jobs regularly and has attended interviews but has not received any good news so far. There is no need to make assumptions, let's stick to the context at hand.I haven't reported this because it is not my place to break up a family. I'm dating someone, yes. But my duty is not to cause commotion within that family as it is not my place to do so, the question was not whether his mum is selfish or not because I know she is.The question was what can be done to help. I live far so I cannot take food over for him and his sister, it's not my duty but I care about his wellbeing and I've seen how horrible his mother is so yes I would love to make sure he's fed and his sister is fed, but reporting it is not the way I would be doing it
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (27 February 2015):
 So if you feel the 14 yr old CHILD is being mistreated why have you not reported the abusive mother to child protective services?
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (27 February 2015):
Is he paying room and board to his mom? If not at 22 he's got it good.
AT 21 I was running my own household.
if he has eggs he has protein
if he has cheese he has protein
if he has porriage (oatmeal I guess) that's an awesome food and you can do a million things with it.
if you are that concerned why don't you provide the staples you think he needs?
if he is not paying room and board why isn't he buying his own food?
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (27 February 2015):
 Just because everyone else you know do things in a certain manner, doesn't mean it's something your boyfriend is entitled to! Don't you understand that? As an adult, you must know this. Just because other people choose, yes CHOOSE, to feed their adult children for FREE, doesn't mean it's mandatory, or to be expected.
I moved out from home when I was 16 and I NEVER got ANYTHING from my parents, they didn't buy me food, pay my rent, or did anything. So pardon me for not feeling sorry for your 22 year old grown up boyfriend who is perfectly capable of taking care of himself.
Your boyfriend assumable lives rent free, and pays no bills? If he's 22 then the ONLY REASON he's not got a job is because he is lazy. Sorry, but that is the harsh and blunt truth. His mother is under no circumstance responsible for him, in fact she's doing him a great favor by even allowing him to live in her home.
"Everyone else I know of"... oh blah. So everyone else you know off are mooching off of their parents and everyone is fine with it, well good for them, but not everyone can/want to do this.
His mothers income is of no relevance if he is to seek government support for himself, except if he's still living with her, I presume, because that would mean he LIVES FOR FREE. He needs to get out of her house, find his own place, and get his government allowance if he's incapable of working anywhere.
But never mind is inability to find a job, in all honesty, that's not what you came here asking for. You asked if his mother is selfish? I say no. Her son is adult, and should have moved out long time ago.
As for the 14 year old daughter? I find it odd that you are more concerned about your 22 year old boyfriend than this 14 year old, who you now claim goes unfed as well. The mother is responsible for a CHILD (not the ADULT son), and if the child is not being fed then this is a case for the social services. I am surprised that if this is the case then you didn't write about the CHILD NEGLIGENCE apparently going on, yet instead all your worries were for your adult boyfriend? Which just makes me doubt your honesty here. It seems to me a rather shewed priority. And if this is true, then why, really, isn't your boyfriend taking more responsibility? He could take his little sister and move out, on the grounds of child negligence, get custody of her, get government support, and a job, and buy food for the both of them.
There are many missing pieces in this story, things don't add up. If there truly is a case of child negligence then I am shocked you didn't care more about this, rather than sit and worry about the 22 year old adult in the picture. Your boyfriend is an adult with all the opportunities in life to improve his own situation. The child, on the other hand, is stuck in this circumstance without, apparently, anyone giving her more than a second thought. Does your boyfriend not even care to do something about the situation?
Don't sit and just watch. If something is wrong and the child is not properly cared for, then contact the authorities. Who cares about pointing fingers, or trying to blame the mom, you just can't close your eyes to this and say it's not your problem if there's a child actually starving. And by that I DON'T mean your adult boyfriend.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (27 February 2015):
 At 22, he should be able to get a job. Maybe not the JOB he wants, but one to HELP out his mother with bills and food. He is 22, not 12.
She isn't OBLIGATED to feed him, or put a roof over his head after 18. If she is a single mother, she no longer gets ANY financial benefits/maintenance from the father.
However, there is something else going on... HIDING food in her room? Having a lock on it? That is weird. Did that happened BEFORE he turned 18?
Does he GET any benefits? Unemployment or anything?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAs for the government allowance, he isn't entitled to receive any money as his mother earn's more than enough a year.
She locks food away from her two kids, but it isn't ingredients, she will buy herself Chinese takeaway, a large pizza, soda drinks and desserts, a bucket of KFC, etc and then eat that for the next few days.
If you say my bf is 22 and grown enough to go buy his own food, what would you say if I said his sister is treated the exact same way and she's 14. She gets an allowance for school which is the money I mentioned earlier but she has to use it on lunch. However once she's home she's going hungry as well, but because she is so used to not eating, she makes sure she has a filling lunch
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMaybe it works differently in England but every single friend I have, every person I work with that still lives with their parents gets fed. It's not about being cooked for, it's just making sure there are ingredients in the house. If he doesn't have the money, he can't go and buy the food, which I understand that most of you have said as that would obviously help. However, the people I know will go shopping with their parents and then each person will get what they want, there's no such thing as being stingy on food in most people's households.
As for the money issue, there is none. She's a headmaster of a school, she is loaded with money as she is always buying herself new things, she just got a 6 inch TV for her room and some may say "great, she deserves it as she works so hard" but there isn't even a TV in the living room, we always watch things on laptops as the only TV is upstairs locked away in her bedroom. I do think that's a bit much...
As for the food being locked away in her room, that's plain selfish. I have met this woman. The fridge will be completely empty and she will ask her son to make something from there and when he tells her there's nothing to eat she would just giggle and be like 'of course there is, there's rice' but what can you make out of just rice on its own? It doesn't seem like a lesson to me, it seems like she's oblivious to what is going
I never filled in the background story but she left her kids at a young age and moved away for 7 years and then came back, and was a completely different person and started behaving like his, she didn't start whenow he turned 22, she's been like this since she moved back into his life at the age of 14.
As for his appetite, he doesn't eat a whole lot, his portions are similar to common portions people have and he will ALWAYS make sure there is food left over for someone else to eat even if he is really hungry. He is a very selfless person, forever thinking about others.
I just got a job, I wasn't working before then and my mum struggles with money but one thing she will never allow is to let her children not be fed. So the fact that his mum earns thousands of pounds a month and lies to him saying she has no money and that she's broke, yet he handles the bills for her so he has seen how much money is actually in her account, she goes on holidays by herself and leaves my bf and his younger sister at home. (Whose school is free btw)
Now this may sound normal to some, but to me it sounds like an irresponsible and selfish mother.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2015): Why shouldn't we say that it's not his mother's responsibility mot feed her totally grown son? It is not her responsibility indeed. He is way too grown up to rely on his mother for food. Poor baby, he goes hungry, he just eats cheese sandwiches for dinner. Then why doesn't he find a simple job, make some money and feeds himself? Or even helps out his mother and buys food for her? The fact that his mother locks refrigerator tells me that that there is much more going on there than your story tells us. I have a cousin who when he was in his 20s had a an enormous and very unusual appetite. He was very skinny but ate literally for 8 people. Under circumstance he lived in my house with my family for 6 months. Not only he was like a vacuum cleaner, he also was quite picky and critisiced my cooking, liked to eat meat without anything else which made his food even more expensive. I was at that time a stay at home mom with 2 young children. My husband worked 2 jobs to support us. Not only my cousin was cleaning up refrigerator without contributing anything, he was also very inconsiderate. Once I remember, he came home hungry and I made fish salad, which I put on a table and went on cooking other dishes for dinner. He asked me if he can have salad first as he is dying from hunger. When I turned around in just a few seconds,the whole salad was gone. So, he ate salad that I made for 5 people all by himself. That time I got really mad and asked him to provide for himself. if your boyfriend is like that, no wonder his mother got herself a separate fridge. Guys at his age do have enormous appetites and maybe his mom just can't afford it. Anyway to feel sorry for him is quite silly. If your parents feed you for free, that's their problem, but parents are obligated to feed their children to the certain age but not at 22.
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female
reader, chigirl +, writes (27 February 2015):
I think the "problem" here is that he is not a child. He is over 18, and that classifies him as an adult. Or are the laws different? Correct me if I am wrong. By law, after you've reached adult age, your parents are no longer legally responsible for you. Its not your boyfriends home. Its his mothers. He is probably unwelcome there, and she is trying to get him to move out! She cant afford/doesnt want a freeloading son/adult in her home.. If there is no food, ask your boyfriend why he hasnt bought any. Because as an adult, it is his job to pay and bring home his own food. If he can not afford food, then he needs to ask for help. In most cases, that means going on social welfare.
I am sorry this doesnt sound more compassionate, but as he is an adult it is HIS responsibility and not his mothers.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2015): He's an adult? Please explain to me why his mother is expected to feed him? Does he paid board and food allowance ?
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female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (27 February 2015):
I have been poor, with kids, one of them a boy with a ravenous appetite who could probably have found an after school job but then I wouldn't have been able to work because he had a younger sister who he stayed home with after school.
He was like a vacuum cleaner around food, I doubt it touched the sides. And while I tried to cook healthy and nutritious it didn't always taste that fantastic, they still talk about the lentil soup I would make when money was getting tight.
It is possible, if his mother is a single woman, that there just isn't the money for more food, or better quality food.
I have heard of a mother doing this before, she had 2 adults sons and a much younger child at school. This mother locked her food in her car over night to ensure there was something there for the younger one to eat the next morning.
Maybe your boyfriend's mother is in a similar position, I have no way of knowing if he has money that he uses for other things, cans of softdrink or going to the pub, cigarettes or movies ......... step back from the situation if you can and see if there is a bigger issue before condemning her for being a bad mother.
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (27 February 2015):
Agreed wuth pinktopaz. From your post it sounds like mental cruelty and / or maniacal stinginess, but... I feel that the background circumstances may explain this woman's behaviour. She must have her own good reasons ( for even LOCKING UP her own food ! )
Whp knows, maybe your bf is one of those guys with a humongous appetite and poor self control that , in front of a fully stocked fridge or pantry, CAN?T think that the food is suppised to last for a wekk or two days or two meals or whatever and will just dust it up in one go, obliging his mother to extra expensenses and extra trips to the market.
Or, as he can DEFINITELY cook his own food without to be served hands and feet,... maybe he is supposed to SHOP for his own food ( which there would be nothing strange with, being that the mother is a woeking woman and the boy is TWENTYTWO ! ) if he has or gets any money of his own. Like, maybe he gets a small allowance or has anyway a little money ( I suppose he does, at 22 you don't live on air-and-nothing ) which he is spending not on food for himself but on drinks or cigarettes or videogames or ...dates with you. And the message is :no dearie, with that first you buy food, THEN the non-essentials.
Or, you say that he is looking for a job.. has by any chance been sort of remiss with that , or turning down jobs that are not ideal ? Not easy enough, " clean " enough, conveniently located, with convenient hours..?
In this case the message would be: get a move, son. " Who does not work, does not eat ".
Or, more simply, maybe you haven't thought, coming yourself from a house well provided with everything, that perhaps this lady is a working class single parent with two kids ( one in school ) she just CAN'T afford to feed herself, and the young one , and also... a grown up adult of 22. Providing your bf bread, cheese, eggs , cereals and milk , his usual fare... could already be a strectch for her.
All in all, I am inclined to say that there 's more than meets the eye in this situation.
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A
female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (27 February 2015):
I would probably feel sorry for him too, but I knew someone that did that to their son...and I understood why she did it. He and his gf would eat all the food she'd buy and never replace anything, but anytime they'd buy anything, it was theirs only and wouldn't share.
So unless she's just a mean woman, she may have her reasons. He is, after all, 22 years old without a job. Has he ever had a job? Does his mom not have very much money? In my opinion, if he was really THAT hungry, McDonald's is always hiring...until something better comes along. He needs to help himself, not rely on his mom, he's a grown man.
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