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female
,
anonymous
writes: My boyfriend and I are both 28 years old. He is the love of my life and the best person I have been with. We both always say how Much we love each other and have stated we want a future together. We are both saving at the moment but are thinking of moving in next year after getting finances etc in order. We don't live super close to each other so we basically live together on the weekends with family and sometimes once during the week we get together as well. The only problem are his friends. It's a very needy group. In my opinion they aren't as independent without each other as I think most people are at theage of 28 and above. They call and text every single weekend ---not to just say hi, how are you but to make plans. Going to a bar isn't always my first priority and usually by the time Friday comes after a long week, I just want to relax and not feel guilty because his friends are trying to make plans. My boyfriend and I aren't always together during the week so the weekend is our time to finally relax together and be together. I am always up for hanging out if it is what he really wanted or if I am starting to feel it would be a good thing to be in a group but sometimes I wish they would back off and move on with their lives in some ways. It reminds me of still being 22 years old and relying on friends to be around. They give him crap for not being around as much or if he even says no because he is too tired--they don't understand that things do change a bit as you get older and more responsibility, a relationship, etc etc. One friend used to have my boyfriend over every single sunday and gives him crap because he doesn't do that anymore. I find it insulting and partially crazy to expect a friend at almost 30 who is in a relationship to be around every single Sunday as if life isn't going to change. My friends have gone their own ways for the most part--we talk, we chat, email but I never expect them to be around like they were anymore. They make him feel guilty which my boyfriend does. I personally feel after a certain age how can you expect anyone to be available every weekend or every other weekend. Am I wrong for thinking this? My boyfriend has trouble too it seems. If he doesn't hear from one friend for only a week he will mention it. He also says he doesn't want them to think we aren't social as if we have something to prove to others. If we are watching a movie and just relaxing on a Saturday and a friend randomly calls--it adds pressure like should we go out because I know my boyfriend feels bad telling them know. There is no way there is enough time for everyone every weekend or during the week unless you are burning the candle on both ends. I feel bad for feeling this way but at the same time I have never seen something like this before. His one friend has been calling to go out during the week with a few other people he knows. My b/f said he thinks he will go this week to make time for him..They went out from work and he got home close to midnight. We basically didn't verbally speak other than text since the night before. I don't feel entirely comfortable with a boyfriend going out like this without me as if he is single. His friends are single, wreckless, drink alot, hook up, immature etc. I know this has nothing to with my boyfriend and I know he isn't going to cheat on me but I am still not at ease. At the same time I feel silly feeling this way. I am not ok with a boyfriend doing this constantly and it makes me worry this is going to become a habit. We had a slight disagreement about it and he mentioned there is nothing wrong with him going out to a bar to have drinks--this is what his friends do and he isn't going there trying to do anything. He just wants to keep his friends and have a social life outside of me. I understand this and I see his point but I am still uncomfortable. Am I being completely unreasonable about all of this? Would anyone else feel the same about the friends calling/texting every weekend to make plans and then us having to feel guilty if we want to do our own thing? I personally feel a couple usually spends more alone time together than constantly in a group and I don't need to prove anything to anyone. Am I being overbearing about the outing and I should back off especially knowing that he loves me, tells me constantly, affectionate etc? I just don't always feel comfortable about a boyfriend bar hopping and staying out late if he is in a committed relationship. I know tons do it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2013): You aren't alone in your thoughts. I'm going through a similar situation. My husband and I have been together 4 years. In all that time he only had one group of close friends and didn't have a Facebook. He decided recently that he is a social person and feels like a hermit so he got Facebook back and is now going out every weekend with some different person drinking and doing whatever else until late.
We are having serious problems because of this. And on the verge of separation and divorce. Like you, I don't find it appropriate for a man in a committed relationship to be out with friends like a young 22 year old every weekend. It's pathetic. My husband also appears to want to show off that he is social. He doesn't want people to think he stays home on the weekends. It's immature to say the least. And he is 32.
What I am trying to do is wait it out and hope its a phase. My husband says that it won't be forever, he is just catching up with old friends. We will have to see. There is no way I can be married to someone going out every single weekend. And these friends are all single and womanizing types as well. I'd suggest you talk to him and tell him how you feel towards it. That its immature and you don't find it appropriate for every weekend, in addition to you wanting to spend your time together. Remind him that he doesn't need to worry so much about what everyone else thinks. And if it stays like this then maybe you should take a break. I have a strong feeling that when you are out of the picture he will see this isn't all he wants. And will try harder to make time for you too.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2013): Hi there,I am the same age, and have been going through a similar thing, I completely understand and sympathise, and felt I could offer my experience.My boyfriends friends are all really cliquey. They got close at Uni, and they have done everything together since then, not made many outside friends, not had any boyfriends/girlfriends since uni time. They live together, eat together, holiday together, socialise together. (obv not altogether all the time, but a group of about 8 - usually 3,4,5 together at any one time)Mostly in this group its all girls and 2 guys. 1 my boyfriend. I stayed quiet for the first 6 months- year. Because I too am very scoial, but I see no problem inviting him, my friends all love meeting new people, so I had a bad problem trying to understand why my boyfriend didnt invite me. I figured towards the end of that year, he wasnt serious, wasnt proud of me, i didnt fit in with his friends, he had something to hide from me, I was so overwhlemed, I ended up splitting up with him. I did try to explain this to him leading up to it, but he literally told me to stop nagging these are his friends and deal with it.In my previous relationship, i had become literally a family amongst my ex'es friends, and that was the saddest thing about breaking up with the ex, losing this close knit friendship group. I explain this because I was starting to go through a lot of second guessing and self doubt that I was being 'jealous/overbearing' etc. I got really hurt and bogged down trying to be understanding for him. But then reminded myself, it isnt in my character to not want to get along with people, ie, i embedded myself into my exes friendship group. (taking 2 away as close buddies now even!)I reached breaking point and we ended on a bad note. Lo and behold. 3 months later he came back, said he had gone through the worse 3 months ever, he said he had so much time to reflect, and realised these friends of him are stuck a rut of seeing to eachothers needs, and cannot see outside their bubble. He said he realised that whole time he was being an idiot to try and please everyone. He said he finally put the boot on the other foot (my pov) and said he feels dreadful for how he managed it all. And said once they all get boyfriends/girlfriends, they will no longer request SO much time from eachother. And if he was to continue putting them as priority, he'd never meet anyone and maybe they will, and he would be left standing single. He said they ALL want what 'he has got' a loving , caring relationship. But while they stick to this 'bubble' its not going to happen very quickly. The other side to this was, he didnt 'get over' his previous break up (7 years ago) he lost a lot of friends through that and didn't want to make that same mistake if I was to leave him. His 'safety net' of friends.We got back together.... I still feel hurt and torn, because when I try to socialise with them, albeit 'nice' people, they never wish to get to know me, its all small talk. To me its all pretentious and I hate that. Its been two years now, I would expect to have grown a bit more close to them. But I feel I'd barely stop and say hi in the street if i passed them without my boyfriend.But he realises how I feel and why, now, and feels hurt his friends don't make that effort. But hey they are his friends, and doesnt want me to judge him as bad boyfriend because of it. I still struggle to want to make the effort though, as I think, I have a tonne of other options to do with my Saturday (after a tough work week y'know!?), why would I choose to sit and small talk with these same people that have little interest in me. But I think if I come to an agreement that maybe I attend and make that effort every 3rd to 4th invite or something. Hope it helps! I too had never experienced it or understood it would happen until this time!!
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