A
female
age
41-50,
*amb
writes:hi,when i first started seeing my boyfriend over a year ago, we ran into a female friend of his at a couple gigs we went to (she was an acquaintance of mine too). i was super-friendly to her on both occasions, approaching her and starting conversations. she ws stand-offish towards me, would chat with us for a while then walk away. but throughout the evening, whenever i left my bf's side (to get a drink, go to the toilet) i'd come back to find her talking to him. when i approached, she would exit. i asked my bf if there was something between them, he said they dated once. then later we had a long conversation, he said she was manipulative, his ex-gf had disliked her too,he listed all her faults etc. i was relieved to hear that there were apparently no feelings toward her, and was glad we could talk openly and honestly. i told him that if there was something btween them, something unfinished, that i wouldn't want to get in the way of it. no no he assured me it was over, it was nothing serious anyway. one date. a kiss?however over the following months a few things happened that made me feel i didn;t have an accurate picture. i should state here that i became pregnant shortly after these occasions and we decided to go through with the pregnancy. after we shared the news we were at a party at this girl's house. her best friend came up to me and started asking why i avoid this girl. i said i don't avoid her, but mentioned i was aware she and my bf had a history. the best friend said she was "sorry about the whole situation". i queried my bf: what situation? he said he didn't know, started ranting about this girls manipulative ways again. i joined in, felt better,, everything was good.then one day he'd left his facebook account open on an email conversation he'd had with her, around the time of those first couple encounters. in the email he was refered to a conversation they'd had where she'd asked him if she could houseshare with him, to which he'd replied it would be disasterous. the email was clarifying that the reason it would be disastorous is because "i have feelings for you". then he went on to say he hoped they could still be friends. her reply was fair - she hoped they'd be friends too. i did some investigations and found out that my bf had a long lasting crush on her, but it was not reciprocated. they went on one date. i felt betrayed when i saw this message as i believed at that stage of our relationship taht he only had eyes for me. the truth was, he still had a crush on her. now i wonder why he sent that messager. was he hoping she'd confess her feeligns too? then what would have become of me? would he have left me had she returned his feelings?there have been continual issues surrounding this girl ever since. i never confronted him about thew message,but i have expressed anger and hurt at otehr communications that he hides from me, including an invitation to join her on holiday (the week our son was born!!), sending song dedications to each other via facebook, and one time leaving me alone for 30 minutes, while he stood and talked to her at a bar, forgetting my order!! - i found out through HER that he'd seen her tha night.do i have reason to be worried? am i paranoid, jealous? what is a reasonable expectation of him for this relationship can i ask him not to be in contact with her anymore? should i mention the message he sent her??
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best friend, crush, facebook, his ex, jealous, on holiday Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Lamb +, writes (6 November 2008):
Lamb is verified as being by the original poster of the questionps i also think she doesn't respect the r'ship boundaries. she still maintains contact with him as if he were a single friend. eg late night sms on weekends, sending private facebook song dedications, inviting him to join her on a hiking holiday interstate! i would never act in this way towards a male friend if he had a girlfriend, let alone a partner he shares a child with! am i alone inthinking this is inappropriate?
A
female
reader, Lamb +, writes (6 November 2008):
Lamb is verified as being by the original poster of the questionps i also think she doesn't respect the r'ship boundaries. she still maintains contact with him as if he were a single friend. eg late night sms on weekends, sending private facebook song dedications, inviting him to join her on a hiking holiday interstate! i would never act in this way towards a male friend if he had a girlfriend, let alone a partner he shares a child with! am i alone inthinking this is inappropriate?
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A
female
reader, Lamb +, writes (6 November 2008):
Lamb is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni should add that when i've told him i'm worried about his feelings for her, he has said that he believes she would not be the sort of person he'd want a long-term serious relationship with. ie i am the better choice for having a family together. how would you interpret that? am i the "wife" while she is the "object of desire" i wonder? should i be satisfied and reassured, or offended?
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