A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Ive been with my boyfriend for 2yrs this August, I am 29yrs old and he is 33yrs old. My boyf has an 11yr old daughter and I have a 10yr old daughter. My boyfriend ex wont allow me around their daughter. She allowed it on NY and NYDay but said that was because she wanted to go out.His ex has been in a relationship for 6yrs, but seems to think she can control my boyf. She blames me cause they arent "friends" anymore, and my boyf said cause of the games, screaming down the phone, violence from his ex since hes been with me he no longer wants a "friendship" with her. I spoke to my boyf daughter on msn, and she just said hello. I know her mother has said nasty things about me and i just worry that his daughter will become his ex and not want to see me herself at somepoint. Please help, I dont want to end my relationship but I just cant see where we go from here. My boyf wont go to court due to reasons I cant state (re: benefits and CSA - he has a private agreement with his ex and worries that more money will be taken from him). My boyf hasnt seen his daughter at wkend for a month and hasnt seen her for 2wks during the week. I told my boyf to see his daughter during the week, when i am not there as I dont want my boyf or his daughter suffering :0(He picked up his daughter at 8pm on Thursday and didnt take her home till late evening on Friday, and tried to reason with his ex again over the phone regarding wkend. His ex just keeps saying if "shes" (meaning me)their then your not seeing your daughter. I advised him to say "I am not bringing my daughter home till xxxx at xx time, and its none of your business whos at my house" my daughter wants to stay with me this wkend and her opinion/views should come first. Me and my boyf both know that his ex will come around to his house (my boyf lives 5mins away from his ex) and scream and shout till she gets her daughter back home.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2009): Believe me we have tried being understanding with his EX - well I have, my boyf has just lost his temper. Being a mother myself I can understand her fear of another woman being around her daughter..... BUT I have respected her wishes for nearly 2yrs and stayed away from my boyf when their daughter was there, and he used to have his daughter every wkend... so you can imagine there was a massive strain on our relationship (his ex still wasnt happy then either).
On NY when me, my daughter, his daughter and him spent all New Years eve together and New Years Day 2009, I never once got involved with his daughter..... I shut the bedroom door cause I was scared of his child asking me to do her hair like I was doing my daughters, I NEVER spoke ill of her mother.... and I was tip toeing around their daughter :0(
I DID have respect for her but now shes just irrational, my boyf and her had a chat and he said he wanted to move our relationship on to another level. His ex agreed that after her daughters SATs we could start spending time together.... shes gone back on her word and wont allow my boyf to have his child when I am there :0(
Shes laughed in my boyf face and said I will never allow you to have a proper relationship with your "bird" (shes such a classy women).
A
female
reader, summerslady21  +, writes (29 May 2009):
Wow the ex sounds very immature! What's her deal with you anyway? If the child wants to come over that's all that should matter! Not her being in total control of everyone she thinks she can. If the CSA is an issue then I think your boyfriend should make arrangments for the three of you to meet and talk about everything. My ex husband had the same problem but his ex said it was the age difference between he and I but once we sat down and talked she was totaly different! She saw I cared for their daughter and just wanted her happy and she was when she as with us. Maybe that's what you should do sit her down find out what her issue is and prove to her that her child means just as much to you as your own! Then ask her to set a few rules not saying you have to follow them but at least let her think she is still winning alittle. Make sure the child is there so she can tell you and her dad also her mother what she wants out of all this. Try this before you even consider leaving him! If you make no progress threaten her with the courts and tell her you will get joint custody and that means she will not see her daughter 6 months of the year! Good luck and keep in touch please. Hope I helped.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2009): His ex is using their daughter as ammunition in this war game of hers, and trust me, it'll come back and bite her on the arse at some point in the future when their daughter is old enough to realise which side of the bread is buttered. It may take some time, years even, but it will surely happen.
In the meantime his daughter has to be told that she can't come to see her father because of her mother's attitude towards you, but no matter what, her father loves her to bits.
If this situation causes the CSA to be involved it might not necessarily be a bad thing. It may cost him more, it may not, but she would almost certainly get less than she's getting now because the CSA takes a fair chunk of the money for itself before handing over the remainder to the mother.
Once things with the CSA are on a legal footing there's no reason whatever why he couldn't apply to the courts for access rights which would take the decision of when and where he sees his daughter out of her hands. If she went against the court's decision she would essentially be in contempt of court and be dealt with accordingly.
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