A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend has an obvious drinking problem, even he admits it. At times he has tried to cut down, but over the course of a month or so he just works back up to the same old excessive amount. He comes home drunk all the time. He's even started disappearing for long periods of time in which I know he is drinking. He claims he loves me and nothing comes first but me, but it seems the alcohol always comes first. When he gets home and I'm angry about him being drunk or being gone for hours, he excuses his behavior by saying he didn't mean to, he'd never intentionally hurt me, etc, etc...I always get the "I lost track of time" too. It's so frustrating and hurtful! Today he left to get cigarettes saying "just grabbing a pack of smokes, be right back." He wasn't back for five hours. He didn't bring his phone, and wasn't even wearing socks, which means he really was only going to get smokes from the store a block away. When he finally came home 5 hours later he was carrying flowers and a new record of my favorite band. He apologized for being gone so long, but claimed that his intent the entire time was to bring me gifts. I wanted to say thank you and be happy, but I know better. I even saw on the record receipt that he hadn't even purchased the record until 5:00 (he came home at 5:40). I know he went to the bar instead of coming straight home, "lost track of time" and then went to pick up the record and gifts in order to play off the tardiness and the fact that he once again chose alcohol over me. But what can I do? I love him when he's sober. I'm about to give birth to our 1st child (literally three weeks away), and I'm just so overwhelmed. What can I do to make this behavior stop? Is there anything I can say or do to convince him that his behavior is ruining everything?!
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male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (8 April 2012):
 From the sounds of it, your boyfriend is an alcoholic. There is nothing you can truly do to make him stop. He has to make the decision to stop and I would advice that he seek professional treatment. If he is unable to afford that, he really needs to go go to Alcoholics Anonymous. There, he will meet people that will him quit drinking.
There are no half measures with drinking. There is also no "I am going to cut back". The addiction to alcohol (and drugs) always gets worse, never better (in the long run).
If you weren't giving birth to his child, I would recommend that you think seriously about terminating your relationship with him until he cleans himself up. Unfortunately, drinking has ruined millions of relationships and has destroyed thousands of families.
Ultimately the decision on what to do is up to you, but I think you need to take steps to protect yourself and your child. His drinking can lead to a world of hurt and NOW is the time to take action. I urge you to seek help for yourself and insist that your boyfriend attend AA meetings or seek professional help regarding his addiction. You may have to lay down the law and give him an ultimatum -- with no if's, and's or but's... either you go or the drinking goes.
Best wishes and good luck.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2012): You MUST surround yourself with a caring, supportive group of friends/family. You are about to be a first time Mom and your life is going to change drastically (for the better!), but you are going to have some tough times and you'll need someone to lean on (he won't be the one you can lean on, trust me). You need to take care of YOU.You need to realize that YOU cannot change him. You can encourage him to get help, but you cannot force him to work a program. The only thing you can do to help him is to NOT enable him in any way. You have to be strong and set boundaries: "you are not allowed to be alone with the baby until you have been sober for at least 6 months", "no, I will not go to the liquor store for you", "no, I will not lie to our family and friends about why you are "too sick" to attend the birthday party"... you get the point.If he makes no attempt or effort to seek help, you will have to choose your life: Living with an alcoholic and pretty much being a single Mom (with a horribly stressful home life), or Leaving an alcoholic and being a single Mom (with a really stressful life).I wish you the best. I feel your pain.
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A
female
reader, ImmortalPrincess +, writes (8 April 2012):
 Your boyfriend needs some serious help. Encourage him to get into a twelve step program like aA......and you even go with him to show him that you are serious about seeing him get sober. You also need to get yourself into some kind of support group for people living with alchaholics.....becaue they will be a great source of information on how to deal with this on a daily basis. If he refuses to get into a program, then you really need to think about separating from him until he gets some help.
This is not the type of environment you want to bring your child up in. You may need to apply a little tough love, here, until he gets the message.
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