A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi I've been with my boyfriend for 3 years.We have a 1 yr old son.The problem is when me and my boyfriend met he had a Doberman but the problem is he treats the dog better than me.He takes the dog everywhere with me.The dog can do no wrong.The dog had a wee on our sofa and he told the dog it was ok I tried to keep the dog off the sofa but my boyfriend won't. We have 2 sofas in our living room my boyfriend sits on 1 with the dog and I sit on the other.It's making me miserable. What do I do?Thank you Reply to this Question
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (22 April 2016):
 A neighbor of mine had two Dobermans, and they listen to my commands when we meet them outside. Granted, I do come with treats as I use them to train my own dog, but the Dobermans will do as I say. So I don't recognize the thing about the dog only listening to your boyfriend. I have met several dogs through the years, visiting people and just meeting random dogs outside the house. Maybe Im an animal person, but I still haven't met a dog who didn't obey me and behaved around me. But I have a firm presence around dogs and children. I stand my ground and don't buckle, and I treat both dogs and children with respect and on their own terms. Such as not hugging kids you don't know without their concent, I also do not pet dogs I don't know without their concent. The result is that both dogs and children approach me on their own and feel comfortable around me, and trust me.
Here's a trick for a snack most dogs will do anything for: fried chicken. Not any spices on it, and no bones. Don't give it to the dog unless he has done exactly as you command, and never let the dog take it from you, so hold the treat hidden in your palm and don't allow any jumping. When the dogs sits down and stays down, you give the treat to the dog my putting your palm underneath it's jaws (not above the nose) and then open and let it take it. Always approach the dog from below and not above it's head. This prevents jumping, and the dog feels more comfortable around you and will trust you. And with trust comes good behaviour and obedience.
A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (22 April 2016):
 I grew up with a Doberman as well. One of the best and finest dogs I have ever known, and that dog was a family dog to be sure. Dobermans would not be urinating to mark territory if they are neutered. Young Dobes are a handful. A dog like that HAS to have accommodations for it, such as a dog bed (if you forbid the sofa) with its chew toys and bones and stuff AT the dog's lair.
Your issue is with your boyfriend, not the dog. We never let our dog on the couch either, instead buying a "dog sofa" we conditioned her with treats to get to love until she went there on her own eagerly and happily long after the treats stopped.
If the dog pre-dates you, then if you can handle it, wait it out. If that dog makes a mess on the sofa, HE cleans it. He is the primary caretaker of the doberman, so don't go doing the tough stuff while your boyfriend skates by, with the accidents and such. "Nature's Miracle" is your absolute best friend in taking care of odors and fluids and so forth.
I'm guessing that when your boyfriend was first courting you, he DID sit next to you and not with the dog between you. With the dog, you have to take your place as the dominant. Meaning, if you want to sit next to him and the dog is there, you get the dog off the sofa and sit next to your boyfriend. You can either bribe the dog off or you can scoot the dog off (I never condone hurting an animal).
If your boyfriend objects, tell him that couples sit together, and if he doesn't like it, he can have sex with the Doberman and have the dog help take care of the house and raise his son.
You've been with him 3 years, and the dog is older than that, you won't have to wait long, because that dog is a third done with its life. Mine lived to 13, but that shocked the vet, who said most live to 10-11 years.
That dog will give its life for your son. My dog saved my little brother from both two neighborhood dogs running loose in the area as well as a raccoon who bit him (Rabies shots were HORRIBLE back in the day!). Think in terms of your son, and you can love that Doberman for that reason alone if no other. Dobermans are loyal pack dogs, and you, your boyfriend, and your son are its pack. Talk to your boyfriend about how you feel to be supplanted on the couch by the dog, but as the dog pre-dates you, you can condition the dog too that you are a loving 'alpha' member of your "family" pack
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (22 April 2016):
 There is not a huge lot you can do here am afraid, it sounds like they come as a package, he loves that dog and therefore he wants it up on the sofa, you don't. I guess you both need to sit and compromise. If he cannot meet you in the middle well the it is either be miserable or else up and leave and see will this shock him in to reality. Although I have to agree that it sounds like you are in competition with the dog, and that should not be the case.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (22 April 2016):
 If you have already talked to your BF about it and he disregard what you say or dismiss it, I don't know WHAT you can say to him to make him see how you feel.
As Cindy mentions a Doberman CAN be a 1 person dog, not really a family dog. In your case, maybe that is the reason why.
And if the dog doesn't obey you, I would find that troublesome, specially with a little one around.
I guess YOU have to decide if you can LIVE with things as they stand (ad I doubt HE will change) or not. And then act accordingly.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (22 April 2016):
You can't ever make anyone do something. That's the key thing to understand here. You can ask, but they might not want to do it still. I am sure you have already asked your boyfriend about treating the dog differently, or at least adjusting things such as not having the dog in the sofa, or not having the dog with you every where you go.
I don't see anything you write as him treating the dog better than you, but it really doesn't matter. You have a problem with the dog, for whatever reasons. You asked your boyfriend for things to change, he does not want things to change. So then you are left with three options: you can change yourself, you can accept status quo, or you can leave.
1. Change yourself. By this I mean learn ways to adapt, and perhaps take charge of the dog. It doesn't matter that the dog has been brought up by your boyfriend. The dog will listen to you if you make it listen, and if you train it and give it commands. Start with the basic and have good treats ready for rewards. I have yet to meet a dog who doesn't obey commands (no matter who gives the command) as long as there is a nice treat for a reward. You are allowed to set your own boundaries. Maybe it's his dog, but you have a right to decide what happens in YOUR surroundings, and you are above the dog in the pack. But you need to assert that on your own, if your boyfriend does not help. If the dog does something you don't like, with your belongings or on your own person, you have a right to say "no" and give it a command.
As for the sofa, once he's learned he can sit there and take a piss there, unfortunately it takes a LOT of practice to undo this habit. He has learned that this is okay (poor training from your boyfriend), so un-learning it is very hard. Therefor I suggest you give up that one sofa, and instead put your focus on something else that you can teach the dog to do/not do.
2. You can accept status quo and see how much further you can live like things are now.
3. You can leave and find another boyfriend. One without a dog.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (22 April 2016):
 As the dog is walked 4 times a day I can only imagine that the dog was asserting dominance and marking his territory by urinating on the sofa.
I would not want my baby stumbling into dog urine.
However Dobermans can be trained and out of respect for the baby and for you then surely your BF must understand (eventually) that a dog that urinates on a sofa needs some training to not do this.
Though if he wants to live in a home that smells of urine then he may lose you and wonder why.
Of course as your child grows older the child also needs to be trained later to not antagonise the dog nor tease the dog; Later off you will need to teach your child and your child's friends to never ever attempt to try to antagonise the dog.
But what if the dog acts up at home and your Bf is not present to calm the dog down?
What if the baby is knocked over by the dog or worse?
If the dog will not listen to you then what would happen if the dog became jealous of the defenceless little one year old baby?
Once the baby starts toddling around and wanting to explore everything then things could become difficult if the dog feels even more need to mark it's dominance over it's "territory".
Does the father play with the baby much in front of the Doberman? Does the Doberman ever appear to be concerned when the father holds his baby?
As a parent I would be concerned if the Doberman is allowed to do as it pleases. Particularly and especially if only you and the one year old were at home. While your Bf was absent. A Doberman is a big dog and no match with you if it started growling at the baby and would not listen to your command to "stop!"
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As the dog can do no wrong I would certainly be wary of having the dog around your child when your Bf is not present.
And I would most certainly be considering what is the safest option for my one year old, in the circumstances..
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (22 April 2016):
 Sorry, I meant : " .... we'll take a nice long stroll by ourselves "
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (22 April 2016):
There's not much you can do , I suppose. When you met your bf, he already had this Doberman - Dobie was there before you. And it does not take three years to see exactly how fond a man is of his dog, and how he treats it. So, if any, the time to negotiate , and to set boundaries, was then.
Did you tell him : " If we go to live together, Dobie won't be allowed inside the house, will have to stay in the garden " or " If we live together, Dobie will live in the house but won't be allowed sitting on sofas " or " ... I don't want you to bring your dog along everywhere with us ; promise me that at least once a week Dobie will stay home and we'll take a nice long strong by ourselves ".
Did you suggest anything similar ? I bet not. Because you wanted to... fidelize the client. To get the guy you pretended a love , or a level of tolerance, for dogs which was far from your real one,... and now you got the guy AND his dog. It was a package deal, clearly, and now changing the deal is not only very difficult but also not quite fair.
I don't understand what it means, in practice, that he treats his dog better than he treats you ?
I find a bit curious that you feel in competition ... with a dog, and you are sort of envious of it. What would you like, for your bf to pat you on your rump telling you
" Attagirl " ? To feed you special tidbits when you have been good ? To throw you a frisbee ?.... What is he supposed to do to treat you as well as his canine friend ?...
If you mean he is more affectionate, expansive, patient with his dog.. well, of course. It's a dog- it's like a child.
I bet you too are more affectionate, tender, cuddly, patient with your 1 y.o. than with your bf. I bet that if your child calls you a dozen times while you are at your PC, you just get up and say " Yes, dear ? Mom is here, darling, what do you need ? " But if your bf should do the same , you'd yell him " What the F... do you want !, can't you see I am busy ?! ) way before the 12th time.
Your bf is an adult- and your son is a child, so the ways to relate to each are quite different.
The dog, is like a child. In average they have the mental age and capacity of a child of 2.5 / 3 years,- the smartest dogs maybe 4. The problem is that they remain at that age forever, so you need forever the patience, the empathy, the indulgence which you'd reserve to a 4 years old.
Clearly that's not for everybody and maybe it's not for you. In which case it is very unfortunate that you chose a dog lover as your partner, and in general I am afraid that you could only grin and bear- or change boyfriend.
In the immediate, though, all dogs can be trained to respect a set of rules, but you'd have to sit down with your bf and agree upon them. Do not try to teach this dog to stay off the sofa, if your bf is going to allow it instead, It's like with kids, if mom says " Yes you can " and Dad says " No you can't " , the children not only do the heck they want anyway, but also get anxious and confused.
Choose what your absolutely non-negotiable deal breakers are in reference to the dog- pick your battles, the dog is there to stay, so limit yourself to a couple of things which absolutely you won't deal with, - enlist your bf's cooperation and BOTH teach your dog the rules.
I must say that, in reference to the sofa, it sounds to me that you already have a reasonable compromise. He and the dog use one sofa, and they leave the other pristine and immaculate for you and for company. Anyway, sofas can be protected with washable sheets, and I don't mean ugly ratty old sheets, I mean those how-do-you-call-them that you can throw on sofas and remove easy as pie, and that can be actually very elegant and look better than the original upholstery.
P.S: You have been particularly unlucky with his choice of dog, in the sense that Dobermans are one-person dogs. While other breeds are more social, or more independent, Dobermans get insanely attached to their master, they have the physical need to be with him/ her almost all the time, and if they are forced not to, they get depressed and fall ill, or develop aggressive and destructive behaviours.
So... it is what it is, and honestly, if you really care about your bf the Doberman's owner, the best is to resign yourself graciously to the fact they have a strong special bond, which obviously does not mean that he can ONLY love his dog and won't love his partner or his human children !
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2016): Thank you for your answer the dog is walked 4 times a day I do most of the things for the dog my boyfriend told me he was house trained I understand we both have responsibility for the dog but the dog doesn't listen to me as he's only been brought up with my boyfriend it's a one man dog I wasn't asking for advice on what to do with the dog I was asking how I get my boyfriend to stop putting his dog first over me and his child
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (22 April 2016):
So why are you still living together? Because you share a kid?
How can this be sanitary with a little one in the house? To have a big old dog piss on the furniture? And let me guess... YOU are supposed to be the one cleaning the sofa, yes?
And why is the dog not walked enough to avoid such accidents - if it WAS an accident and not a dog pissing of his territory? If the dog is incontinent or is having an infection (which can cause a dog to pee in places it NORMALLY wouldn't) it NEEDS to see a vet!!
Now, I like a Doberman, they are highly smart. My parents had one when I was little. She went to work with my Dad, and was a very well-trained dog. THEY have to be. Smart breeds such as Dobermen NEEDS clear boundaries and a high level of interactions. MOST dogs do.
As much as I like a big dog (or even a smaller) I would NOT be living with one that isn't well trained and specially not one that isn't house trained and exercised. IT IS NOT the dogs fault, if this was an accident. IT is NOT the dogs fault if the dog wasn't walked enough and HAD to go. But there is NO way in HADES I'd have a little child around ANY BREED/ANY SIZE of dog that isn't trained and house-trained. It's just to disgusting.
I'd move out and let him live with his peeing dog. If his priority is his dog over you and his child, I'd move out, no doubt.
Though I have to say if you CHOOSE to live with a guy who owns a dog, the DOG becomes part of the family and BOTH of you need to take some responsibility for it.
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