A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:So ever since I first met my boyfriends parents I noticed his dad was always staring at my boobs/bum/legs. I said nothing, just felt incredibly uncomfortable and just started wearing heaps of clothes when we see his parents. Somehow, he still manages to oogle me. Im disgusted by him (hes more than twice my age, Im 25) and Im beginning to hate him. When we go to restaurants he looks at the waitresses. His wife is oblivious, so is my boyfriend. One day he even said "Looking at beautiful women is like looking at a nice car. It doesnt mean anything but you like to see it." My boyfriend loves his family (probably too attached, really) and would be totally completely devistated if I ever brought it up. I think he would blame me for being paranoid and not believe me. I thought I could ask him to watch his dads eyes on me so he could see it himself but I dont know if its worth upsetting him and distancing him from his family. Should I tell him? How? Should I speak to the dad? Should I just scream an obscenity and make it as awkward for everyone else as it has been for me for 2 years? He makes me feel like Im just a piece of meat, I feel dirty! But if I try and avoid seeing the parents my boyfriend will notice because its very important to him that I have a good relationship with his parents (truth is I hate them but I always try to be nice). Help!
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female
reader, Abella  +, writes (24 May 2012):
 Well done for having the courage to raise this with your BF. He knows the truth now.
Hopefully he will do all he can to support you now that he has a better understanding of why you have felt uncomfortable around his father.
Deep down he knows his father is a perve.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the advice.I told my boyfriend AND he was very quiet for a while. He then tried to rationalize it a bit "Oh, hes just looking at your clothes... he's not thinking gross stuff... he loves my mum!.. it doesnt mean anything..." but then he realised that didnt really stick. He then admitted that sometimes he notices his friends looking at me in this way too AND hes just come to accept it AND tried to believe its harmless. He understands how it makes me uncomfortable AND now he says hes understood why Ive avoided his dad a few times. My BF has tried a little to get me to stop caring about it by saying "It doesnt mean anything." (I think because he wants to convince himself, too) but I said thats not good enough because it still doesnt explain the motivation for his dad to stare at my boobs while his wife is sitting right next to him. Yuk. That one will just go unanswered, I suppose.So thanks for your time guys.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2012): I would agree with the previous post here. I know it might be hard, but male aren't always aware that women know that the man is ogling.
In this case it is clearly not acceptable. Try and be alone with the father, and tell him that you don't enjoy his eyes on you. And that you will have to tell his son about it if he doesn't stop.
He most surely will deny the whole thing, but also will be shameful about it. So hopefully he won't tell anything to anyone else. If he does, and you notice a change in his mother behavior, you should tell your BF that you talked to his father about it. It will make him take your side, and his mother his father side.
Either way, he will stop ogling and you can actually get along.
Hope it helps, good luck to you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2012): quietly whisper in his ear that you know his game and you will have him seen to by some friends of yours if he doesnt act with respect towards you and everyone else...hes a saddo
been in the same situation and wished I had had the balls to sort him out long before I did.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (11 May 2012):
Appeal to your boyfriend first. if your relationship is strong enough and he is mature enough to accept and handle the truth then you should be able to tell it like is to your man. It will be a test of his empathy and consideration for you. Surely no boyfriends would want his girl friend to feel so uncomfortable?
But if things are less robust between the two of you then you will have to hasten slowly and maybe drop and occasional hint and a gentle little rib occasionally.
Do not speak to his father nor his mother about the problem instead of your boyfriend. His mother will blame you and the father, who clearly has no sense of what is appropriate will probably have a few negative words to say about you, probably behind your back.
You could consider asking your boyfriend if any of his previous girl friends has complained about his father ogling? If they did, then ask your boyfriend how he felt when they did complain? You will know pretty soon his position on what his father does. It is a tight-rope you will need to walk to negotiate this delicate matter.
If your boyfriend is very important to you. Yet does nothing to make things better, well first he would lose favour with me. But if you then still want to be with your boyfriend then I guess you could consider the more dangerous tack of making fun of the father. Though I would not recommend that choice unless you have a really nice way about you, where others never take offence at anything you say.
I think a direct confrontation would be likely to divide the family - all of them on one side agaist you on the other side.
if this problem is a complete deal breaker then when you do break up with yout boyfriend explain just exactly what has irked you about his father and how uncomfortable it has made you when his father oggled you.
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A
female
reader, Deagan +, writes (11 May 2012):
 So you've been seeing your boyfriend for 2 years? He is going to think "something is up" if you're bringing this to his attention now. You're right, he might just blame it on you and tell you that you're being paranoid and ridiculous.
Even so, better late than never. If you two have been dating for 2 years, you two should be at the point where you can be comfortable telling him that you want to skip out the next time he invites you to dinner with his parents here and there. But I say be bold and stand up for yourself, the next time you are invited to spend time with them, voice it out. Tell him that his dad has been making you uncomfortable for a while now. That even after 2 years, you thought he would stop, but he persists on still looking at you like you're still the new shiny toy. Don't tell him to keep an eye on his dad the next time you go out with them, it sounds demanding for one, and secondly he should be smart enough to take a look on his own. Stress to your boyfriend that you love him, that you want to have a good relationship with his parents, and that you understand what his family means to him, but that it really makes you uncomfortable to the point that you want to limit seeing them. His initial reaction to this might be anger first, but your boyfriend should come to understand.
Best of luck!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2012): My advice would be to completely let it go. My now wife and her dad were very close. So close, they would both walk around naked in front of each other, she would sit on his lap all the time, I even saw her flash her boobs at him. I thought this was all very weird. Finally, I couldn't help myself, I said something. The result was that she was hurt, upset, very defensive of him, distanced herself from me, and did it even more!
Years later her father died, and she was oh so sad for many many years. It wasn't until I had a daughter of my own that I understood the love between them. ( Now, I still don't walk around naked or anything like that - it's just not me). I wish my daughter will some day love me as much as she loved her dad.
I know this is slightly different than the situation you raised, but my point is the same. Families are different, and in my case, a different relationship I did not understand turned out to be stronger than almost any relationship I have ever seen. So my advice would be to focus on all the good things about this man: how much he loves his son, loves his wife. And know that the actions you find abhorrent, he probably gives almost no thought to. Finally, even if you can't understand it, just deal with it on your own. You have no place to denigrate or accuse your boyfriends father (unless her were to actually touch you), and I think you will regret it if you do....
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