A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:hi everyone, hope you're all well! I'm having some trouble in my relationship with my boyfriend and would really appreciate some advice.. I met my bf in a house share and we got on really well. It's been a couple of years now and we've finally moved in together. When we met, he was studying, but he's been struggling to find a job ever since graduating (he is a mature student). and he's been so down about it. He's really ambitious, which is why I love him, but it's affecting the relationship. I got my dream job a couple of months ago (I was already working) and he was barely there to say congratulations. He often gets frustrated with me because he is stressed about his job situation even though I really try hard and especially as we've moved in, I notice it more. He pays less than me which I'm fine with, but somehow I feel like he just doesn't appreciate it, or the fact I buy more food, house stuff, etc. He runs a lot and eats a lot to keep up energy, but doesn't take into account I'm the one paying for it..I've been in a relationship before which was very toxic, and now I'm very cautious that whoever I'm with takes my effort for granted or is disrespectful and I'm starting to feel like that's the case. Our new place is on a rolling contract and the reason why we moved was to be somewhere nice during lockdown. I don't want this to get worse and selfishly, I want to live my life and focus on my career; without always wondering if someone is in a bad mood with me randomly over something which technically has nothing to do with me or what I can't control.what should I do? should I have an honest conversation with him?
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (15 May 2021):
 So you haven't even had "an honest conversation" with him about this unpleasant and uncomfortable situation? Why? For most people, that would be the first thing to do.
You are already getting a taste of what life with him will be like when things go wrong. If you stay together, you will have to face all of life's ups and downs together. Even if he manages to get a decent job in which he is happy, other stuff will happen. Life is never smooth sailing. Love usually grows from facing life's challenges together, shoulder to shoulder, supporting and appreciating each other, not from laying blame on someone else when things don't go "to plan". Is this how you want to live your life? You already know this relationship is not healthy. Have a talk with him and tell him you are worth better than this and that you feel unappreciated and as if he is blaming you for his situation. Be ready to also give him specifics on what behaviour you will no long accept and what you expect from him going forward so he cannot "misunderstand". In your shoes, if things don't improve, I would be leaving the relationship sooner rather than later.
You say you are on a rolling contract with your new home. I assume you can, therefore, hand in notice to terminate the agreement whenever you wish. The notice period will obviously depend on the agreement you signed, but 1 - 3 months' notice is normal in such situations.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (12 May 2021):
 Of course, you should have an honest conversation with him! Always.
I'm guessing a "rolling contact" in the UK is like the American version of "land-contract" that offers a buyer the right to purchase but until THAT contact and finances are in place it's "basically" renting?
If you can not afford the place 100% on your own (without financial hardship) and HE isn't stepping up, maybe it's time to look at downsizing for something YOU can afford on your own. Because I don't see this relationship working out.
While I get that the whole Covid situation has put a damper on certain job fields, plenty of people (including yourself) seem to be doing JUST fine. I don't know how it is in the UK but I see job listings right and left, over here (not all entry-level stuff). As it is, in our area a lot of people get paid more on benefits (due to Covid) than going back to work, so they CHOOSE to stay home. This is a whole other discussion :) BUT it means that there are a LOT of job openings.
I get that he might not be able to get a job RIGHT NOW in his job field but is he working AT ALL?
And if he feels like YOUR success is detrimental to HIS success then he needs to grow up. I get that it's NOT fun being the party that doesn't bring the "most bacon" to the table (and him being a man too) but that should really inspire him to work harder of finding THAT good job. I would think.
You should NOT feel bad for having found a good job that pays well and that you enjoy. Good for you!
As for the whole eating on your dime - you two (if you intend on staying together) NEED to sit down and make a budget. If he has time for all that running he has time for doing WAY more research into finding WHERE he should apply to and send out a boatload of applications. If his job expertise area is very small he NEEDS to find something else that pays well enough to help BETTER with the bills and not LIVE of you. You being generous for a SHORT period of time (or him) is fine, so the partner can get on their feet but you two are NOT married and should NOT be so deep in each other's finances. THAT is not being selfish! Think about it. If you had SAVED UP all the money that you are PAYING to live with this man, what kind of amount would that be?
Yup, it's time to have a long talk.
If his ego can't handle you earning more, he should have gotten his arse in gear already.
Sometimes we don't really know our partners until we LIVE with them 24/7.
You have already been down a road with an unhealthy relationship so TALK and see if you two can sort this out and IF you can't - BE good to yourself and WALK away.
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