A
female
age
36-40,
*icolene
writes:hi i need help with my boyfriend he was molested when he was n little boy by his brother at the age of 7 to 9 and at the age of 12 he was molested again by a man in the hostel and now he is like a angry bom at work and with me and i really wanne help him but i don't know what to do and now he tell's me that weet is the only thing that calm's him down but i think he needs help but he doesn't wanne tell no one else i am the only one that he told it to he dit tell it to his mom and dad when his brother did it and thy asked his brother and he said no he did not do it and thy believe him. please help me with this please tell me what am i to do
View related questions:
at work Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, rcn  +, writes (29 September 2009):
 Let me ask you this. What do you know about trauma, mental pain, that abuse quite often causes in its victims? I'm not asking to offend you or your wanting to help, but to show that some things that happen are greater than a kind word or a hug for overcoming. I understand his not wanting to tell others. You must be a trusting girlfriend for him to tell you. That's good. At least he'd told someone.
Since he's not willing to seek professional help, I'll give you a technique he can do by himself, and not have to tell anyone. I this process it will allow him to release, and does include having to forgive. Now, forgiveness is not about the person we forgive. They may not deserve it. But it's done so he can live free from what has happened to him. Clearing his heart from the pain and anger.
This will include 4 separate letter, (doesn't have to mail) One to parents, one to brother, one to guy when he was 12 and 1 to self. The three to other people is an emotional breakthrough. Writing down what they did, and how what they did made him feel at the time, and how it's affected his life now. Doing this as if he's speaking to them in person, so not like "this happened", needs to be person to person, so "you did...." Then when all is out, writing down that he forgives them, so he can move on.
The letter to self is difficult, it's takes mental actions and writing. You know when you write a love letter, and you can visually see that person when you do? It's the same aspect. The letter is from his adult self to his child selves at the ages of the abuse. I visual part is this letter needs to be written as if he was sitting in front of and speaking directly to his 9 year old and 12 year old self. With his ages, it's understandable that it's not his fault, he was scared, overwhelmed, overpowered etc. This letter is to relieve his child selves from fault, and ownership of the abuse.
To explain why? 5 senses, anything that happens with those senses gets logged in our subconscious mind. Think of a calendar where you tear off the day, and put it on the spindle when the day is out. The letter to self is weeding through and entering into the spindle part of his 9 and 12 year old self. The abuse happened then, the brain doesn't advance what we should or should not do with age. The trauma stays clear as when it happened then, but as we get older, we learn, so a lot of the pain comes from the conflict of current age, and what's known about the situation, and child age, the fear and turmoil of the experience.
It's really confusing how these play over a lifetime. I don't expect through the last paragraph that you'd fully understand what's going on. I just wanted to express a little to give a glimpse of why he's so angry now, when this happened a long time ago.
A
female
reader, Nicolene +, writes (29 September 2009):
Nicolene is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhi yes its my question please answer.
...............................
|
