A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:One of my boyfriend's best friends is really annoying and rubs me the wrong way.In my opinion, he is very rude, manipulative, and doesn't have my boyfriend's best interest in mind and I get really uncomfortable and even nauseous when my boyfriend goes to hang out with him because I am so used to bad things happening when he does.Firstly, I am in a long distance relationship with my boyfriend, but we have met several times before. The first time we met, I hung out with him and a few days later I met his friends. The one that I am talking about seemed alright at first, although a bit attention seeking, but I just brushed that off. Now he has proven to be quite annoying.On one incident a while back, my boyfriend was at his house, but as usual, they weren't really interacting with each other and I was talking to my boyfriend through Skype.I don't entirely remember what we were talking about that caused him to rudely chime in, but he randomly and loudly made some remarks about my sexual performance while he was also in a Skype call with one of his friends.While I'm not upset that my boyfriend shared the information with him since I do the same with my friends, I found it highly inappropriate and rude that he made such a comment, especially while in a Skype call.My boyfriend didn't comment on the situation, I'm assuming because he knows that it's part of his friends "sense of humor"., but I felt really disrespected and it ruined my mood. I had to end the call because I was uncomfortable.In another incident, his friend contacted me through messaging and asked me what my boyfriend and I talk about and pretty much what I saw in him, commenting on the fact that my boyfriend is a bit immature, and even taking credit for my boyfriend's ability and interest in pursuing "complex" conversations.I don't think I need to explain how disgusting this was to me.For someone who is supposed to be his best friend, he sure doesn't seem to think highly of my boyfriend at all.In the most recent incident, my boyfriend was hanging out at his house for one of their mutual friends' birthday and they began smoking marijuana so this friend decided to pester my boyfriend and try to convince him to smoke with them. My boyfriend has never even smoked a cigarette, but he ended up trying it with them after a while of persuasion.Now, I know marijuana isn't the end of the world, but it's not legal where we live and I don't like smokers. And I know ultimately my boyfriend had complete control over whether or not he was going to end up smoking, but his friend knows how easily persuaded (specifically by this friend) he is and took advantage of that.I've had friends that offered weed to me but never pressured or tried to persuade me to smoke.Because of these situations, I get really uncomfortable whenever my boyfriend hangs out with this friend because I know there's never anything good that happens while he is there. I get to where I don't even want him talking to me while he is there because I don't want to hear any bad news and it effects me for some time even after my boyfriend returns to his own home.When my boyfriend and I interact and even when his other friends are around, my boyfriend is a really nice, well rounded guy but he always ends up doing or saying something totally out of character when this friend is involved. it doesn't apply with any other friend. It's almost as if he has Stockholm Syndrome.I don't really know what to do about this situation because this is his best friend, a guy that has known him longer than I have, and his only friend that lives near him. I can't ask him not to see his friend, but at the same time, I know his friend is not a positive influence on him. What do I do?
View related questions:
best friend, immature, long distance Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you, chigirl. I really appreciate your response and you sharing your personal experience. Yes, your situation was a lot worse than mine, fortunately for me. Although my boyfriend's friend does make disrespectful comment about him, he's never gotten physical or gone so far overboard, I found it interesting though because my boyfriend's friend is also one of those "video games and drinking" kind of guys like the idiot that you had to deal with. And drugs.I don't plan to pry much in this situation but as a start, I will ask about the start of his friendship with the guy because I've heard similar stories of people being dependent and clingy to their friend who happened to be that outcast type who befriended them in their lowest times. I want to see if there are any other similarities.I'm not sure how I'll be able to handle my anxiety when he goes to visit this friend. He just went again a few days ago and again, ever since he betrayed my trust and lied to me in the marijuana situation, I get physically sick whenever he visits or whenever I even hear his friend's name. It's really hard to act alright so I end up distancing myself from him for a while until I can clear my head. He doesn't see this friend that often since they live some distance apart, maybe a few weekends a month, but they talk often of course. I will definitely keep you updated.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (10 November 2014):
 This is a tough situation, and I know how bad these situations can get. I had a boyfriend once who had this problem with his best friend too, only it was so much worse than in your boyfriends case. His best friend was always talking him down, calling him a pretty little girl, saying how gay he is, used to grab his ass and "joke" about how he liked to get his penis up his ass at night. Just really really bad stuff like that, right in front of me even (that's the only way I'd know about it, because I saw it and heard it myself). His friend would also ask me "jokingly" if I didn't get jealous when my boyfriend came into his bed at night...
It's not funny at all, but my then boyfriend would just laugh it off as a joke, and when I brought up how disrespectful this is not only to him, but also to me, he would just reply with this being how boys behave...
There's so many other things, like his friend owed him money, and he never got it back. His friend would just take things that belonged to him and use it without asking. His friend also got a drivers license JUST BECAUSE my then boyfriend got a car, and this friend had the guts to tell me, right to my face and when my boyfriend was hearing it too, that he got his drivers license because "now I have a car". As if it was so natural that my then boyfriends car would also be HIS CAR. And as it happened, this was right.. there were so many occasions where my boyfriend needed to use his own car, but the friend had it, and my then boyfriend was totally whipped by this friend, so didn't dare to ask for the car back.
I told my then boyfriend exactly how I felt about it, several times. I told him right out how uncomfortable this made me feel, how lousy of a friend this guy actually is. The result? Nothing happened at all except it caused me and my boyfriend to have more arguments.
See, this friend has such control over your boyfriend your boyfriend does stupid shit when around him. Your boyfriend isn't stupid, yet he does stupid shit anyways because of the "friend". Use your logic in this one, girl. The friend had the upper hand over your boyfriend, gets him to do what he wants, doesn't CARE about your boyfriends best interests etc. If YOU tell your boyfriend this... You think it's not something he already knows? He knows alright. He just doesn't want to admit to it. For some reason, he is dependent, or feel dependent, on this friend. Which will make separation impossible. It certainly will not do any good that you try to interfere.
In the case of my ex boyfriend I think the co-dependency was caused by my boyfriend being bullied as a child, but once he became friends with this friend of his at around the age of 8 or something, the bullying stopped or at least he had a safe place to hide when with his friend. Then, because he was bullied he looked up to this friend for comfort and protection, and this dynamic continued through the years as they became adults.
I mean this friend was a no good fatty who spent his days playing video games and getting drunk. My then boyfriend got a military career, was fit, got an education etc. Yet this friend was still whopping him around calling him pretty little girl and grabbing his ass, even though my then boyfriend easily could have kicked the shit out of him. It's a sort of dynamic that had been going on for years and years... it wasn't going to end just because they grew up.
Me trying to separate him from the friend did absolutely no good at all, it made no difference. The comments I got in return for why this friend was always a priority over me was that he was such an old friend... But he would ALWAYS be an old friend, someone he'd known for years and years longer than he'd known me. At what point would I become a priority? With this argument, the answer would be never.
Now, your case is NOT anywhere near as bad as my story. But be aware of these signs. I say for now, bite your tongue and don't say a word. When the time comes for your boyfriend to make a decision between you or his friend, pay close attention to his actions and words. Such as the time when he should have stood up for you when the friend made that comment about your sexual performance... he chose his friend. Be aware of these situations and keep a look-out for trouble. But until things worsen, a slip up here or there is okay... As long as it doesn't get worse. Because in due time, if you and your boyfriend have a future together you will end up marrying or living together. And by then, this friend will be removed, and it will be a natural process lead by your boyfriend himself. That's the right way to go about it, as long as things don't worsen but stay at the level it is at.
Good luck! Do give me an update if things change.
...............................
|
