A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi guys, I have been dating my boyfriend for just over 2 years and we are great, but I have a question I'd love your opinion on.In around 2007 my boyfriend dated someone for just shy of 2 years, for names' sake let's call her Heidi. My boyfriend was only about 16 at the time they started dating, and they both broke up because they drifted apart from each other and they started to dislike the people they were when they were together. They broke up in 2009 and they have been good ['best'] friends ever since. In the past [before I even knew him] they had both been in tricky situations with their families as they grew up as friends. My boyfriend ended up living with her at one point because he had nowhere else to go until they got sick of each other again, and then they started living together again when we started dating. In principal it wasn't an issue for me, but I did get a little uncomfortable about the arrangements when I discovered that they'd dated in the past, because it made their friend ship seem a lot less innocent.They lived together for a total of 6 months, initially she seemed really nice and we definitely had a lot in common, we used to cook for each other and stuff but because we are both extremely shy we didn't talk much. However things started happening for me that were unsettling, as it was already evident by this point that the relationship between Heidi and my boyfriend wasn't healthy. He was at her every beck and call and she sometimes got shirty when I was over, she stopped spending so much time in our company and started to threaten the tenure of their tenancy with their relationship, saying that my boyfriend wasn't being 'a good enough friend' and other things.Like I said, I started seeing things that made me uncomfortable (I don't know if it was because I've been cheated on a lot before or if Heidi was just trying to mess with me so I'd love your opinion), but being my boyfriend's 'best friend' seemed like much more of a status/authoritative thing for her, and one or two times I found things that made me ask questions. Bearing in mind I knew and acknowledged how close and unhealthy their relationship was:- I once found a pair of Heidi's tracksuit bottoms in his bed and there was a night her entire duvet was on his bed too.- She started leaving post-it notes on his corkboard about how much she loved him.- There were no boundaries, she used to go on his phone and computer just whenever she wanted, she'd even come in when we were sleeping - and she used to bring me in to arguments to compare us in terms of importance which made me feel rubbish. Never in front of me though.I know that the two of them are both as separate people very introverted and don't have many friends, I have spoken to him about uncomfortable the situation makes me feel a few times, even after he kicked her out in 2013. He admits that he thinks she is pretty unstable, and that she tried to use him as a boyfriend figure when there was nobody else for Heidi, and to an extent that he was jealous of her following long-term boyfriend because that meant that he wasn't getting as much attention. We've spoken about it openly and rather than understanding my premise he tends to lash out and asks me not to pressure the topic on him, which makes me feel bad. I guess it's because they've been close for a long time.I understand that it was in the past and I'm very accepting to a lot of things, but my main stigma is that me and this girl actually have a lot in common, and sporadically she will buy me gifts rather than talk to me, but at the same time she will brush me off and demean my interests to my boyfriend if I ask her if she'd like to be involved with anything with my own friends. Heidi barely ever sees my boyfriend any more and when he does he is very evasive about it [probably because he knows how insecure I am about the situation]. I go out of my way to try with her but I get offended every time she brushes me off. My boyfriend tries to explain that it's because she isn't interested in anyone that doesn't give her 100% the attention she wants. I have really close friends of the other sex, and even in the worst of situations I am not like that to their girlfriends.What do you guys think of this situation? I appreciate it was all initially a bit messy with my assumptions and insecurities in the first 6 months, but why do you think she does not want to be my friend? We have so much in common and she just doesn't seem interested which makes me sad because I really want to try as she is my boyfriend's friend. I know initially my boyfriend also was not keen for her to be involved in any of our social activities, although she was keen to be. Is she jealous?I am happy in my relationship now: I 100% trust my boyfriend [this is the only thing I can't understand], but your opinions on the situation in general, and why she might not want to be my friend would be appreciated because on top of everything I am really confused!
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (17 February 2015):
 I agree, she doesn't HAVE to be YOUR friend (honestly, she isn't your BF's friend either). And I wouldn't WANT her as a friend. Seriously with a friend like her? Who needs enemies?
You BF? Sorry, he is an idiot. HE KNOWS full well that "Heidi" is trying to sabotage his relationship with you, and while he has "tried" to back away, he STILL LET'S her walk all over him and to an extend you. He LIKES the attention, if he tells you otherwise? He is lying.
There are times being friends with an ex work, and there are MORE time it doesn't. THIS is one of the latter. What they have is NOT a friendship.
And like WiseOwlE points out, you can't TELL a partner WHO they can befriend and whom they can't. It's unrealistic to think you have a say in that. BUT you can decide whether you will take her crap or not. Personally, I would do a mix of "kill" her with kindness and ignore. Which means if she is being "nice" around you be "nice" back. If she turns into that nutter, you ignore. It's like a dog and rewards. (not calling her a dog, but hopefully you get the analogy) DO NOT REWARD BAD behavior.
Someone in life treat you like crap, CUT them out of your life.
You TRIED to be friend for your BF's sake, but... as you say she is 85% out of your lives - so why KEEP her around by offering friendship?
Just waste your time on this girl. Hopefully your BF will "see" what this girl is doing, and hopefully he will do it before you say, Screw this I'm done...
A
female
reader, babalou +, writes (17 February 2015):
 I second what WiseOwlE has said, although I wouldn't have put it so harshly, haha. His tough love approach may be what you need to hear though.
I was in a similar situation once. My boyfriend's ex had been his friend since grade school, and she would often do things that were obviously attempts to put stress on our relationship. Since my relationship is long distance, she would do things like message me online and ask me where he was, specifying that she needed to talk to him and was going to go to his house. Clearly trying to get me curious and/or worried that his ex needed him so urgently, I suppose. She would also show up at his home or his friends' home while he was there and if he was talking to me, she would try to distract him or get him to hang up from conversations with me. The point where I reached my wits end was when she made a comment while I was on the phone with him saying that he was letting me run his life since he would not go out and do things with her when she showed up randomly, as if by me talking to him, I was taking over his life. None of his friends were bothered by our relationship, especially not his female friends or even his male best friends. It was only her, which made it quite obvious that she felt she was entitled to some sort of special treatment as if they were more than friends. As if she were his girlfriend.
In my situation I pointed out her behavior to him and expressed that it was causing some grief and making our relationship more complicated than it needed to be. Fortunately for me, he agreed that her actions were quite inappropriate and he began putting some distance in between them and although I would have liked if he was more assertive about the situation to prevent it from happening in the future, she got the hint. If he had done nothing, or if she didn't get the hint, I definitely would have told her (and maybe him too) off but I don't recommend that.
I agree that if he does dismiss the fact that she is making your relationship difficult, he is choosing to be inconsiderate when it comes to your feelings and your relationship. He is choosing who he wants to tend to more.
Don't believe that things would be better if you guys became friends. Judging by the way she has already attempted to manipulate your boyfriend, I wouldn't be too surprised if she manipulated you and further manipulated him if you guys do become close. Driving you two apart would be much easier that way.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2015): Hi, OP here. Thanks for your opinion, you've more or less clarified exactly what I was thinking.
It's worth noting that since me and my boyfriend have got more serious over the years she is around 85% out the picture, I think in the past he felt responsible for her happiness but that's definitely not the case any more and there's a comfortable amount of distance between them.
Iunderstand that she's not obliged to be my friend, I just know she's a very lonely person and couldn't help but wonder what kind of reasons might be behind that. I don't make an effort any more really because I've learned it's not really worth my time.
Thank you for your thoughts, I really appreciate it (:
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2015): You can't force anyone to be a friend who doesn't want to be. She'd rather see you out of the picture. Heidi is passive-aggressively manipulating you and your boyfriend.
Heidi's mission is to undermine your boyfriend's relationships, and compete with his girlfriends for his attention. She is a wedge. Real friends don't complicate your relationships; unless they feel their own interests are threatened.
That block-headed idiot you call your boyfriend, doesn't see how she is being a trouble-maker. Or, just plays it off. In subtle ways, she is causing dissension and trying to create suspicion. Playing on your insecurities. Leaving her bottoms on your boyfriend's bed was either evidence something is going on; or something equally as bad, she planted them there to upset you. That's evil.
She comes and goes like a storm. Leaving confusion and a mess behind.
Making friends with Heidi will not solve your problem. You are in her way. You distract his attention. When she's nice to you, it's probably because he asked her to be. Once you and your boyfriend became committed in an exclusive-relationship; Heidi should have had the decency to butt-out of the situation. Showing you courtesy, if nothing else.
You have to learn that having things in-common with people will not make them like you. You've tried very hard to be friendly, but she rejects your efforts. Just another passive-aggressive tactic. Now she knows you need her approval and validation; and won't give it to you.
If your boyfriend dismisses all this as "just the way Heidi is?" It would seem he is more committed to seeing to Heidi's happiness, than maintaining his relationship with you. He's got it made! Two females vying and competing for his attention and loyalty. Hats-off to his lordship!
I guarantee you, she doesn't want you for a friend. Just be nice, and stop trying. Don't give her the pleasure.
It's best to be tolerant, polite, and distant. Speak-up when she is rude or causes you angst. Let your boyfriend know that you can't tell him with whom to make friends; but if he wants you to stick around, his friends of any gender had better show you courtesy and respect. You shouldn't even have to tell him so.
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