A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Thanks for taking the time to read this.im 18 years old, 5 months pregnant with my first child i never planned for it to happen this early on in my life but it just happend and once i saw my baby moving around on the screen i knew i couldn't get rid of it, its apart of me and love him/her. Been with my partner for over a year, i love him very much but dont know how much more i can take, he puts himself first and alcohol instead of buying things for the baby, its me that has been buying everything, every weekend he is with his mates drinking and gets really drunk alot of the time, i dont mind him drinking from time to time but its every weekend and im growing tired of it, tired of him. he says nasty things to me when drunk about me and the baby, i know its drink but it hurts...he puts his mates before me, cant remember the last time he took me out or done something small but special for me, im thinking of leaving him, the reasons that are stopping me are because im carrying his child, i still love him so much and the scary thought that he will find someone else or sleep with someone else...But deep down i aint very happy at the moment i am sometimes. i just want whats best for the baby but i have no idea what step to take next, he has already told me that theres no way he would give up drink for the baby, i think that is very selfish of him...the only thing he seems to be doing right is working, but even when it is payday it doesn't get spent on me or the baby. what should i do next? please give me some good advice im very stuck.
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female
reader, Amanda1982  +, writes (8 January 2011):
I hear u it definitely sux having a boyfriend/husband that drinks all the time. I have two kids with my fiance and he suffers from depression and uses drinking and doing other drugs to self cure. I've done everything to, kicking him out and trying to be friends to asking him to get help. He says he will get help but then doesn't its frustrating...
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2010): I highly recommend you check out Al-anon: http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/
It's a group of people whose lives have been affected by someone else's drinking. You'll definitely find meetings in your area. There, you'll find a group of people who know _exactly_ what you are going through. It's made a huge difference in my life, and I can't recommend it highly enough. Good luck with everything!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2010): I wonder how much of his behaviour is resisting giving up drink and how much is resisting giving up his lifestyle? I wonder to what extent he is in denial about his obligations, and to what extent he is being wilfully uncaring of them.
I also wonder how much he is into you. Perhaps from his point of view you were the girlfriend we was with for six months, and then she got pregnant. He's too young for kids, it's the age he should be partying, so he's going to party regardless and the baby and you are just a speedbump in his life. Or maybe deep down there is a good man waiting for the boy to quit playing with his mates and get into life.
Really, all you can do is to give him a chance to come good. It's a shame you didn't have more time for the two of you to learn how to communicate well before you fell pregnant. Anyway, you need to have some serious conversations.
Firstly, money. The baby and household expenses come first. You need a budget -- for both weekly expenses and the big purchases. Then he and you arrange an automatic deposit of the agreed amount from his and your salary into a shared account. When he goes out, his card for that account stays home. So that he feels he isn't being ripped off, and so you can arrange for more money from him once the full horror of baby expenses hits you, keep receipts and records.
If you think he isn't going to be reasonable, then talk to his parents first and invite them to the discussion. They are going to be grandparents, they want abundant access to their grandkid, so they have an interest in you and him working out. What's more, they've had a lifetime of handling the boy.
Secondly, he needs to stop being a boy and start being a man and you need to stop being a girl and start being a woman. I wouldn't use these words when discussing this with him :-)
This means you both need to talk about what you want from your relationship. Are you both going to settle together and bring up the baby? Where do you see yourselves in five years? How are you going to make those five years fun so that you feel like another five?
How do the two of you plan to stay together? Because the way you are both behaving you are going to fail. So come up with a plan together. Make it a concrete plan, because if you say to a man "take me out to dinner once in a while" it will never happen. But if you agree "take me out to dinner each payday" then he'll become all task-focussed and it will happen. Don't fret if the plans fall through once baby arrives, because you'll be lucky to get to one movie before Ms Little's 3rd birthday. Make smaller plans if bigger plans fall through.
It seems to me that you have both already failed at using the baby to help the relationship along. Why on earth did you shop for baby things alone? Was he at the ultrasound? I do hope you are going to the birth classes together. You need him to compare himself to the behaviour of real men rather than his drinking buddy boys, and birth classes have real men who are getting ready to raise kids.
Who is going to look after the baby? Who is going to keep the household ticking over while the other person is looking after the baby? You are already feeling put upon, and you're not even breastfeeding yet. Some nights you won't sleep, so it would be really useful if he knows how to cook a few emergency dishes, can run the washer and vacuum and do all those other "civilised male" things. Jamie Oliver is a fine example here -- a lad who can cook -- and he has some fine cookbooks on basic cookery.
One of the really useful things he can do is to change the nappies. It's a horrible job, it usually happens after feeding when you just want to fall back into bed. It's a good time for him to come to the rescue, take the baby, tuck you into bed with a kiss, change Ms Smelly, put her down, and read her motor magazines until she falls off. All my grown girls now own V8 cars, I wonder why that is :-)
Thirdly, you need an escape route planned. You need to read up on family law for your country (your government will have a web site) and find out how child custody, maintenance and visitation works. You need to ask around your divorced older friends for the name of a good family law solicitor. Not saying you will need these, but if he walks away from you and the baby you want to be at your solicitors the day after and having them send him a proposed visitation and maintenance agreement the day after that. You are a woman now, and not to be toyed with.
You need to ask around your friends and hint that you may need a spare room for you and the baby for a month or two if things go wrong. You need to have a rough budget in mind for getting back on your feet, a rough idea of baby care while you work.
You may never need these things, but just having an option prepared in your mind does a lot to reduce the feeling of being trapped and all of the stress that brings.
Fourthly, avoid sucking the fun out of everything. If you aren't nice to come home to, why wouldn't he go out with his mates? That doesn't mean you are Miss Marshmallow. It means not being Mrs Whinger. If he washes up and doesn't put the spoons in the drawer the exactly way you arrange them, then you don't mention the spoons. It means having a plan that is entertaining, not watching the television. Look in the second-hand shops for board books. Get some Pooh stickers and put them on the wall in the baby's room. Put a salvaged screen door on the nursery door if you have cats. Try and save money -- can you wash a doll in the laundry sink, do you need a change table or does the floor and two towels work for you (it's safer), rearrange the kitchen to make it safe (toddler can't touch the stove, which may need a gate, toddler can't get anywhere near the kettle, toddler can't go up or down stairs).
Or, since you are both new to each other, learn about each other. Say you are in the supermarket. Go down the biscuit isle, choose his favorite. Now he goes down the biscuit isle, chooses you favorite. Now you both wander down, did you get it right? What else do you like? If you are both stoney broke, then put them back on the shelf. Otherwise why not take both packets and yourself to a favorite hideaway place? Don't make this stuff artificial, just look for opportunities as you go through your day to learn about each other in a fun way. Be honest. You know stuff all about each other but are having a baby. So get to learn about each other.
Use your pregnancy. Pregnant women are fascinating. There's so much going on. Don't hide that from him, use it to make yourself interesting to him.
If the two of you don't work out, then don't despair about raising your child or about future romance. The most attractive and happy woman I ever knew had a child by a man very much like your boy is today. I met her five years after her child was born and he was long gone from her life. A few years after that I felt myself most fortunate when she agreed to marry me.
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A
female
reader, raiders +, writes (16 June 2010):
 Sometime it is better we let go of our past for the sake of the children. Just imagine what kind of role model he will be with to your child. Your child will think its ok to drink and mistreat the ladies. You can't help your boyfriend unless he is willing to change, and by him choosing his booze and his friends does show willingness to change right now. You have to put your child first, he is going to be the one that needs your help and your guidance. Your boyfriend is old enough to make his own decisions and fend for himself, think on the child.
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