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female
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anonymous
writes: I try to get my boyfriend to quit smoking and I also threatened to leave this relationship, but he seems to not care about the fact that I'm willing to sacrifice anything for him. He wouldn't even give it up to make me happy. We fight about this all the time and I'm fed up and upset. I really don't know what to do anymore. Am I in the wrong? Pls help. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (1 November 2005):
 Sorry, but yes, you're in the wrong.
You're wrong because you went into the relationship knowing this guy's addiction, and then you wanted to change the rules once you were together. You can't do that, whether it's smoking, womanising, lying, drugs or any other bad habit. You knew the score and you accepted it. Now you either continue to accept it, or you walk.
Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not defending his addiction. It's loathsome and I'm completely revolted by smokers and smoking. But I'm sure it wasn't something this guy tried to hide. You would have known about it.
Now if you hate it, it's up to you to adapt. You can't "threaten" someone to make them give up an addiction. He will only quit if he's sufficiently motivated and has the necessary support, and crucially, IF HE WANTS TO.
Give things one last shot. Explain that you love him and want him to be around with you for a long time and tell him that you find him less attractive when he smells and tastes like smoke. Ask him if he'd be willing to consider reducing the amount he smokes or where he indulges, and see if you can meet him halfway. Maybe he will, but don't underestimate how insidious smoking is. Many people will choose their cigarettes over their loved ones.
After you talk to him in a calm, reasonable tone, you'll know better where you stand. It might be in second place, after the cancer sticks. That's when you decide whether his good qualities outweigh the bad.
Good luck.
A
female
reader, buzzie  +, writes (1 November 2005):
OMG I can totally relate to your dilemma. My ex boyfriend was a chain smoker and he was rude enough to smoke IN MY CAR!!! I finally told him he wasnt allowed to in my car and he was really pissed off. He would get mad if I didnt give him money for smokes too.
I'm sorry to say this but I don't think he will quit. I also don't think that it will ever work out between the two of you because I don't think you are going to want to be married to a smoker either.
I know it sucks, but chalk it up to experience. Next time set higher standards and make it a must that your next boyfriend be a non smoker.
After I dumped my ex I vowed I would never date another guy who smoked.
Hang in there
buzzie
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2005): Yes you are wrong. Did you enter into the relationship knowing he was a smoker? If you did then you have no right to ask him to stop. If you don't want a smoker as a partner then don't go out with a smoker.
My ex tried to make me give up and it just made me more stubborn. I actually did give up in the end but that was after we broke up. A smoker will only give up when they are ready. No matter what anyone else says it won't help the cause.
Why should he give up just to make you happy. You should be happy being with him anyway. If you don't like it get out. If you keep pressuring him, he may try to stop but he will probably just hide it from you and do you want that.
My girlfriend is trying to make her man stop smoking. Actually she has done it with her last two boyfriends. And both times it didn't work. They just end up hiding it from her. She has now realised that next time, if there is a next time, she will not date a smoker.
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