A
female
age
36-40,
*inkcat
writes:When my bf does something that upsets me, e.g. keeps checking someone else out when he's with me, or whatever it is, if i say he's upset me/he picks up on it and asks whats up, if i tell him then instead of apologising/saying i got it wrong he goes really defensive as if it was me who did something wrong. (e.g. staring mutely at me/won't talk/avoids me). So it turns into a 'major argument' in his words when it needn't be-but then should i have to pretend if he has really upset me that everything's fine? Has anyone got any advice about how best to voice problems please? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (21 January 2008):
 It is either you pretend there is nothing wrong or you get his standard reaction.
Which is harder to swallow?
If you want to voice problems, you need to see his moods. If he is not in a good mood, shelf them.You won't get a good answer.
Be specific with your problems. He would know what is the problem.Don't hint, because he cannot understand.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2008): I had an ex like that and he would check out girls and when I didn't say anything he too would pick up on the fact that something was bothering me and when I told him he just got mad at me saying that I was being unreasonable and how now he would start making a point of checking out girls in front of me. So then, I told him that was disrespectful and uncalled for and that we should resolve the issue but he just ignored me and told me to stop talking so that he could sleep. He turned it around like how I was the unreasonable crazy person when I was just hurt by his actions. To make a long story short I broke up with him 2 days later and now realize that I was in a very emotionally abusive relationship. Trust me when I say this: get out now because it will only get worse.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2008): For some people, the first reaction to a problem, or something they are doing that is inappropriate, is to find someone to blame. It's called blame shifting and it is a sign of immaturity and can turn into an emotionally abusive' situation, eventually. So be careful and watch for that. His blaming is a defense mechanism to avoid taking personal responsibility for what he's done to cause you hurt. And when he does that, your hurt is never resolved and you become an emotional wreck! Be strong..set your boundaries but remain calm when you you see him 'acting out'. If he makes this into a big production, walk away and let him have his space for a few hours. Do not tolerate his blaming and berating of you. When things calm down, you sit him down and tell him...that you are making him aware and want toi try to find a solution with him to resolving this behavior of his. .He needs to understand that blaming is a negative behaviour pattern in some relationships that keeps 2 people from becoming closer. This will frustrate you only further because you are mature enough to see he is not taking responsibility for his inappropriate behavior. problem never get the sense of satisfaction of growth. By refusing to see his own errors, he loses the opportunity to change the very aspects of himself that is keeping him stuck,in this balme shifting mode. I liken the balme shifting to emotional abuse. It catches you off balance and works on your pride and self-esteem, lowering it considerably. Your bf is not a very healthy guy to be in a relationship with if he's being defensive. He will only be healthy , when he has matured and is ready to take responsibility for his own thoughts and behaviors. He's not there yet. You may be forced to evaluate this relationship, if this keeps ongoing.
Your b/f need to understand that his own life is his responsibility. Like all of us he has to learn to deal with his own failures, his own faults as a human and quit playing the blame game with you and you need to calm down. Make him aware that he has the freedom to choose the best of the options he has, in any given circumstances, to choose the correct response as well as the right action. He has the power to control his thoughts and his actions and he can mould them in whatever way he wants to.
So if something goes wrong, instead of being defensive, he has to look within himself. Using his best wisdom and ability to listen to himself, find out which weaknesses in his personality are contributing to the problem. What he is doing is wrong...if he keeps up the behaviours and is unwilling to change then you may have to consider getting away from the pain and hurt of his damaging behaviour, for a while until he can get it together. Stay healthy. Do what's best for you. And I hope you don't apologize... expecially if you have nothing to apologize for. So many women do this in emotionally volatile relationships. They take the brunt and it only serves to erode their self-worth. He should be the one saying he's sorry to you...for treating you this way. I really hope he can see that he has positive choices in life he can make.
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