A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have been dating my boyfriend for 3 and half years now. He is 23 and I am 21. He is currently on a snowboarding trip with the ski and snowboard club at his university. He was supposed to call me last night but didn't. When I called him he picked up and was a complete jerk to me. Apparently he had, had a few beers and had smoked a bit and was "feeling mean". I tried to ask about the trip this far his response was "I don't feel like talking about it" and gave me minimal details saying he wanted to talk about me (although I'm the one at home not on any fun vacation as is he). After explaining this to him he told he he didn't want to talk and he would call tomorrow. I of course got upset and his response was to yell at me saying "take it or leave it" and hanging up on me/shutting his phone off. This was yesterday and I have still not heard from him. He not only failed to return my call but I also never received an apology for the mistreatment. I'm really hurt that someone so close to me thinks they can treat me this way. Any help??
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (20 February 2011):
 You know your man better than I ever will. So in this case I am afraid I can't help you. I can only say that people don't change, and you know that as well since you know this isn't the first time he's been acting this way. Then I am sure you know what he will end up doing in the end, as this is not out of the ordinary for him.
You can either accept it or walk.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSorry I think my question was confusing. He claimed that he was being a jerk because he had been drinking. But this doesn't happen normally. What does happen sometimes is him ignoring me after an argument that he is usually the cause. He yelled at me, hung up on me and was a jerk, yet never called me back when he said and never apologized to me. It has been two days now and I still have not heard from him. I have called and texted numerous times and do not get a response. He is clearly avoiding me and ignoring me. The worst part is I don't know why I didn't do anything wrong.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (20 February 2011):
First time this happened? Or does he feel like getting mean every time he drinks and smokes?
I think it's ultimatum time. Either he stops drinking to that point, and smoking, or he stops talking to you. Not calling when he's promised to is a no-no. He can smoke and drink (unless you've got a strict policy against that) all he wants when he's not around you, or supposed to talk to you.
Setting up a few rules is necessary to survive if your partner has a habit you can't deal with. Sort of like "I know you're doing it, but I don't want to see it or hear about it". It wont stop his drinking, but it should stop him talking to you while drunk. And if he normally acts fine that's ok.
I had to use rules like that several times in relationships. For example an ex of mine would get stupid when drunk, and it was impossible for him and me to be drunk at the same time. If eh was drunk I preferred to stay sober. If I was drunk I told him he had to stay sober. It was either or, I refused to be drunk with him at parties because it always caused trouble. When sober I was able to leave when I wanted to, or recognize that his behaviour was due to alcohol and not who he'd normally be. He wasn't harmful, just could be rude, like your guy, or obnoxious, or do stupid things that would provoke me.
So like I said, talk to him about this and lay down a few rules. Never to talk to you again like that, and if he's too drunk to control his behaviour and manners he can't talk to you while drunk.
If he tells you you should accept that he talks this way to you then he's not a good guy for you.
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