A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years and started living together a month after we met.We are very much in love, have great sex and plan to move to Sydney next year and have kids when I'm a little older. I'm 21 and he's 33. We are both professionals, he makes a good amount of money and I am at the end of the training for my soon to start career. We are both very open minded people, and are reasonably adventurous. Recently he has been saying that he would like to have sex with other women. I know that sexual desire is a natural feeling, especially in men who's biological urge is to "spread the seed". I by no means see this as being disrespectful to me, we are very honest with each other. However I do feel quite possessive over him. I don't want him kissing and touching and having sex with a woman that isn't me. I know my feelings are natural because women more frequently have emotions attached to sex. Don't get me wrong, i'm attracted to other people (very rarely) and sometimes get very strong feelings just from watching a love scene in a movie, but this does not mean I want to have sex with another man or even a woman (I'm bi-sexual).I want to let him have no strings sex, because I know there will be no feelings attached for him. But i'm terrified that It will ruin our relationship if it turns out i'm not ok with it. Or it will ruin the relationship if I don't let him have sex with other women. I cant imagine he will ever cheat, I have no doubts that he loves me, but I don't want him to have to resist his natural urges. I feel like I have been made to feel this way by society making us feel like having sex should only be kept between two people forever, which is technically against nature. We want our relationship to last, and I agree that being able to have sex with other people might be the answer, but I just cant get past these jealous and possessive feelings that make me want to cry and scream!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2010): Its all about boundaries and communication. You must express some clear boundaries that help you to feel cared for. You will go through some tough times (and emotions) but if he respects those boundaries and is sensitive to what YOU are going through dealing with his activities then your relationship can actually grow to another level. I am in a relationship like you are describing and it has been tough but I love him and he loves me, he just has different need and I have to accept this.I have made it clear that we have to step up our affection and caring for one another even more so I do not feel like "old hat" and he is so good at doing this for me. I would love to talk more about all the facits of this kind of relationship. It is complicated and not always peaceful but it is also new for me. The honesty part is key. I told him I want honesty more than monogamy!
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (21 August 2010):
 I can actually see why you are a good match. You are actually more interested in women than men but like the presence of a man in your life. As a woman myself, I know that gaining weight and having stretch marks make me insecure, but a man doesn't leave just because you gained 30 pounds.
There is so much pressure to not stray from your partner sexually, so what if that pressure is controllably removed?
I don't give pressure to my boyfriend. Our sex is good and we both know that no one else could catch up. So our good relationship is the thing that removes the pressure.
I believe people are only pressured to stay for children, or they don't really like their partners so they use society as a safe guard of the marriage institution. I have been divorced myself it's not like I am going to die if this one doesn't work out this time. If he wants to stray it automatically means our relationship is in trouble so we would just end it.
Again, your relationship is unique.
I had been with the third woman and I am the "smallest one." I had been intimate with both of the them. They are now married with a baby. I am adventurous so they were no big problems like fighting over the guy. I remember she would still get angry and jealous and then her boyfriend would remind her and give her that look: "remember our deal?" But I kind of think that she is bisexual only because it justifies what they are doing and it makes her feels better about her husband's deal.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOh no no no!! I meant that there would be no intimacy or sleeping with any other women, not me!!
We have been living together for two years and we still hold hands when we walk down the street, cuddle on the sofa and fall asleep in each others arms.
I can understand why people find what I am considering so hard to understand and why they might assume that we don't really love each other. I am just trying to come to terms with what society is like today. There is so much pressure to not stray from your partner sexually, so what if that pressure is controllably removed?
A threesome is something that we both really want to do but since meeting him we've put on some weight which I am currently getting rid of, so naturally I don't feel at my most attractive at the moment and don't want any random people seeing me naked! I'm hoping that we will be an alternative option in the future!
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (20 August 2010):
It's natural to feel jealous. Allow yourself to feel it and don't deny it or suppress it. One thing that would help is that you set boundaries and tell your boyfriend he's to come home and sleep with you every night, and to assure you that everything is fine. Although if you said there is no intimacy, no hugging or cuddling I feel where do you get this support from? I think if you become intimate with your boyfriend it could strengthen the bond but you are receding from it from fearing that your jealousy would be intensified.
It's strange to hear of a boyfriend who doesn't want to be intimate. It's even stranger to know that a girl like you don't mind having no intimacy. It's not like you don't need it. It's just that you don't want it to avoid having complications in relationships. You sound like intimacy is not important right now. You are like a somewhat committed couple being borderline FWB.
You are a bisexual, so maybe you can have a threesome with that 5 feet tall submissive girl.
You said you know a couple who do this since they were 16, so maybe the best bet is to ask them how they managed their feelings. I have been on dearcupid for a while now, so far I haven't read anything from people having successful open relationships giving advice. People are having enough problems in single relationships already, and no one would tell them open relationship is the answer. You could say we are all boring and outdated. But you are asking solutions to a problem that most people would avoid dealing with. Most people would just stop creating that problem before thinking how to solve it first.
If you feel having the freedom to have sex with other people means making the most out of life, you would have done so right now.
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf +, writes (20 August 2010):
Since you are going into this with the knowledge of not marrying you boyfriend...I say just go for it.
Maybe not discuss any of your hook ups.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2010): You put together a good argument but it all boils down to your statement : "The question was asking how I can combat jealousy and uncertainness".
This statement tells me that you have been convinced that his sleeping around will be a good thing for your relationship, yet agree with this BUT you have a problem with being jealous and uncertain..... WAKE UP and stop deceiving yourself.
You really dont like the idea of your bf screwing someone else and your uncertainness is your self-esteem issues....
Sorry to say but if you go ahead with this idea of him screwing around there is not going to be a relationship at all.
Lets face it - how are you going to feel when he tells you that so-and-so is much better in bed and better looking than you??????????????
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust because he wants to have the experience of having sex with other women that doesn't mean he doesn't love me..this wasn't why I posted the question. If he didn't love me he would just leave me and sleep with other women. We are considering this because we want our relationship to last and we know that most relationships fail because people cheat on their partners.
We want to make the most of our lives while we're still young and before we have children. I don't mind that he wants to have sex with an attractive "throw around", I quite like the fact that he can attract pretty women. We want to devote our lives to eachother so why is controlled sex with other women met with the assumption that he doesn't love me?
The question was asking how I can combat jealousy and uncertainness.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2010): "I have a lot higher sex drive than he does, he would be happy having sex twice a week, but I generally want it every day. "
Makes no sense that he wants to sleep with other women if he's happy having sex with you twice a week. You are choosing not to look at the obvious... he wants other women too, not just you.... his love is not genuine.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (19 August 2010):
Your question is about how to overcome jealousy and so far everyone is being old fashioned.
I had tried open relationships before. They were no big bloody deal. I stopped it because it wasn't something that inspire me, and nothing can come close to having a man you can rely on for the rest of your life. In order to make open relationships work, you need to have these beliefs, and both partners need to share the same beliefs:
1. Monogamous is not for me and I gave up finding my soulmate and I gave up trying to live up to a rigid, archaic standard of "let's get married and bang no one else but my spouse forever."
2. It's not possible to love only one person at a time
3. When you have sex with someone else it doesn't mean you don't love him or he doesn't love you
4. It's healthy to express your natural desires for trying out other people.
I myself know people who have multiple partners. I don't see them being happier than monogamous couples. It's hard for me to understand why you want to hold on to him. A better alternative would be to find a guy with a higher sex drive and who's not rushing to get married, but is devoted to you only. You sound like it's not your natural desire to try other men, but you would do it just to play an equal field. If you want a kid with him and you decide to have other partners on the side, then you have to do it discreetly because the stigma is still there. No one wants to know that a mom is being sexually adventurous and you don't want the kid to grow up knowing that there are men coming in and out of your life. When the child grows up he can decide whatever he wants to do with relationships, but in my opinion it's better to be the model that society looks for, even though it's old fashioned, it's better to go with the flow with the majority than having to defend yourself and your alternative lifestyle. People question about the marriage institution and debate that marriage is dying. But marriages will still be there for as long as humans live. Don't say it's not for you until you had tried it.
Alternative relationship vs. monogamous relationship?
They can both work but a monogamous relationship gives you a peace of mind. Nothing beats that.
If your boyfriend is not jealous of you having sex with other men, then ask him how he deals with his feelings.
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf +, writes (19 August 2010):
Well nuff said, and thank you for clearing that up. You seem to have thought it through.
So since your engines are on full, you can satisfy your needs anyway you see fit.
Go get your grove on lady...You can let us curious ones now how it went :)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWhoever wrote "Your relationship is terminally ill and you are about to be replaced, get over it" you are extremely ignorant.
I forgot to say a few things;
- I will be able to sleep with other men/women if I chose
- I will have the choice to say who I want him to have sex with with
- This is'nt because he wants more sex, he wants to have the experience of having sex with a "throw around" I am 5ft6 so that will never be me and I don't have a problem with that.
- There will be no cuddling or sleeping after sex, it isn't about intimacy
- We have talked about it and how I feel about it and said I will think about it (hence why I posted on here)
- I have a lot higher sex drive than he does, he would be happy having sex twice a week, but I generally want it every day.
- This isn't to occur on very regular occasions, its not like we will have "sex with other people" night once a week..
- Nether of us want to get married, so I don't regard him as "marriage material"
- He isn't trying to force me into the idea, he asked my opinion and now I am regarding it.
- We know a couple that have been together since they were 16, they are now 30 and they sleep with other people. So we know it works for some couples.
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A
female
reader, Honeygirl  +, writes (19 August 2010):
 Either he has sex with you or he has sex with other women. The two do not mix.
Basically he wants to have you at home all nice and cozy but be free to act like a tomcat.
Are you allowed to have no strings attached sex with other men... I doubt it.
Time to give him the option, either you or them. And if he cannot choose... sent him on his way - he is not marriage material
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2010): Maybe my sex drive is just too low... but I'm a dude who's in a committed relationship and I think having sex with her is plenty enough... I would not have the time or energy to be sleeping around, and I would not want to either. Why? Because I like my girlfriend and I would never me ok with her sleeping with other men, even if she promised that it was non-emotional. No double standards; I don't sleep around, she dosent sleep around.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2010): Your relationship is terminally ill and you are about to be replaced, get over it.
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A
female
reader, Jesc  +, writes (19 August 2010):
 Janniepeg, Altho I do agree with you 90%
That 10% is just in my mind the way people live is how they choose it to be. Altho I myself am with you Janniepeg. I love my relationship just the way it is. Others are not like that.
I think from what she is saying is that. She understands the wants,Etc. Just it hurts her of the idea.(Which we can understand that)
OP Have you tried talking to him about it. Cause when every you have doubts something wrong will happen. You should sit him down and let him know exactly how you feel. From what you say it is worth telling him this. He won't cheat on you (From your statement) Let him know what's going on in that head. You could tell him what you told us.
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf +, writes (19 August 2010):
Do you get to have sex with anyone you want? Or is it just him doing it?
And you love him because he makes you feel sooooo....???
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (19 August 2010):
No one should make you feel it's okay to explore while in a committed relationship. In this case, the majority is right. It is much more simple and peaceful to have a monogamous relationship. In today's busy schedule, there is always not enough time to enjoy a one on one intimacy session now he wants to deprive you even more of that. I myself is in a monogamous relationship, we have great sex and neither of us is complaining. We don't feel the need to try out with other people. All that anthropological mumbo jumbo is just an excuse for people to not commit to the ones they love.
Don't be afraid of losing him. He's going to make you believe that all men think like him. This is not true at all.
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