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anonymous
writes: I'm 18 and have been dating my 21 year old boyfriend for 6 months. He's a virgin, and surprisingly, doesn't want sex at all but suggested to me that I should sleep with his friend instead. I'm not a virgin; I've had sex once with my only other boyfriend before him.I told him no; but he is insistent about it.Yet away from the bedroom we're compatible in every other way.How do I deal with this?? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2006): It's also possible that he loves you so much and willing to compromise his pain of believing he cannot pleasure you as you deserve, and suggested you sleep with his friend.
Just another way of looking at this. 8]
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female
reader, bonym  +, writes (25 May 2006):
 You said: Yet away from the bedroom we're compatible in every other way.
My friend, I think that you are both as Irish49 and others have said, incompatible. It is not normal for your fella to actually want you to engage in a sexual relationship with someone other than him. Its as if he is saying with a total lack of respect, "I dont dive a damn, screw who you want." Thats exacly how I see it. My dear, if your boyfriend loved and was IN love with you he would not insist that you have sex with his friend. I dont see how this relationship can work properly if he has no desire for sex and is happy for you to have sex with his friend, its not normal behaviour and you need to establish why he is behaving like this. I wish you all the best. Take care. xXx
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2006): Sounds like you both are incompatible. I totally concur with drpsych on this one. I think he's overcompensating for his lack of sex drive/insecurities but to suggest you sleep with his friend, is pretty stupid. Sex is a precious, loving act between to people who love each other. I would think if he wqnted to help himself with his problem to keep you happy, he would seek some medical help. Not just hand you over to his best friend. These two have been talking about you and making some underhanded plans. I would re-evaluate this relationship and move onto someone, who better suits you.
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reader, Toria +, writes (25 May 2006):
 Have you spoke to him as to why he doesnt want a sexual relationship at this time? whatever his reason is you should respect his choice, i believe for whatever reason you shouldnt sleep with his friend but maybe he is worried that if he dont sleep with you or offer you an alternative that you might get fed up and leave or sleep with someone else that he wont have any control over, i think you should talk to him and explain to him that you are happy with him and if he wants to wait then that is fine with you, you should tell him how him telling you that you can sleep with his friend makes you feel.
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reader, blackcoffee +, writes (25 May 2006):
Sex does not make a relationship but at some future point you will be very frustrated then cheat or start calling him names. If he says he has sex problems, get him to find help. If he does not want to, then leave before wasting your time. you are too young to settle for companionship without sex. Remain friends coz thats all you are right now as far as I can see.
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reader, honey_08 +, writes (25 May 2006):
 im sorry but i think your he doesnt love you, she disrespect u, for asking u to have sex with his friend. if he really love you he will not tell u that and he will protect u all the way. talk to him and tell him your so upset with him asking u to have sex with his friend. dont make anymove that ur not confortable with, maybe his trying u or testing u if u will agree to that idea, but still its disrespect for actually think that and ask u. theres a lot of guys in this world that can make u happy, even when it comes to sex. find another guy that will respect u and will satisfy your need in sex. talk to him and explain whats in your heart and let him know that your so upset with him, and ask him why he doesnt want to have sex with u, u can tell him that if his not ready now that your willing to wait bec u love him, and you will not have sex to anyone else bec of him., but if u can not do that to wait for him then move on, find someone else that your compatible with. takecare
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reader, blackcoffee +, writes (25 May 2006):
Just reading your letter the first thing that crossed my mind was 'is he gay'?
Anyhow, If he really cared about you he would never want anyone, let alone his friend, near you.
He is too inexperience to be curious about threesome and stuff like that.
OR maybe he has sexual problems eg. impotent. Very wierd case indeed. Ask him to open up to you then if not....move on.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2006): I tried asking him why, but he insists he has no sex drive.
I told him no, and said I wouldn't cheat on him ever as it would be unfair.
Laura
xx
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reader, Wendyg +, writes (25 May 2006):
 Maybe he is testing how far he can push you. Maybe whilst hes okay with not having a sexual relationship, he wants to see if you are too. And hes testing to see if you will actually sleep with his friend. Ask him why he feels this way, it is a bit odd given that you two havent had sex together yet. Maybe he is scared to have sex, maybe he just likes the fact that his girl can be turned on my someone else. Dont do anything you dont want to do, but let your guy know that you have misgivings about why he wants you to sleep with someone else and let him know its actually upsetting you.
Take care x
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reader, Dazzerg +, writes (25 May 2006):
 Has he told you why he wants you to sleep with his friend?? Is he saving himself and waiting until hes sure you are the one? Maybe he is trying to be unselfish and thinks while he doesnt need the sex you may or is it a voyeuristic fantasy?? Does he want to watch??
Maybe he feels that he would be turned on by a threesome. Is it possible its not that he 'doesnt want sex' but is very very nervous??
Whatever you shouldn't do something that you are not comfortable with and were right to refuse. However it is an issue in your relationship you need to address. I think you need to talk to him about how he is feeling and take it from there. Hope that helps.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2006): This is a strange one. If he cared for you he wouldn't even suggest sleeping with his friend and he wouldn't be insistent about it. Do not sleep with his friend and I would find yourself another boyfriend who cared about your feelings. Maybe its his way of telling you he just wants you as a friend and is not ready for a sexual relationship with you.I know its probably upsetting and hurting you right now but be strong and don't give in to him, as you will feel even more rejected, hurt and used if you sleep with this other guy. Best of luck. x
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reader, DrPsych +, writes (25 May 2006):
 I am all for sharing amongst friends...but that takes it a bit too far! He is either being really disrespectful and doesn't really have any deep feelings for you (which may explain why he doesn't want sex - saving it for someone else) OR he is feeling so damaged and insecure that he has already got it into his head that he is will rubbish at sex and you (being a 'woman of the world' in his eyes) will leave him for another man, so he is offering an open relationship where you can sleep with his friend to be able to keep you while allowing you some sexual satisfaction (again, in his eyes). Whatever the situation is, this is definitely not a good relationship to be in as you must feel degraded. There are lots of guys out there who you will find yourself very compatible with inside the bedroom as well as outside.
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