A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Earlier this year I got pregnant. I didnt know I was pregnant at the time and had a surgery. Because of this, the doctors said there was a 50/50 chance something would be wrong with the baby cos of all the drugs, morphine etc but they could not be sure until I was at least 3 months and even at that stage, they could not be sure. So I was told that I would need to carry the baby for as long as possible until they could know if something was wrong with it.It was an awful decision. In the end I decided to abort it because I was already so attached and bonding with the baby, that if I did carry it for longer and need to terminate then it due to illnesses , would have been even more difficult. I have no children and really want them. I cant describe how hard it was.At this time, my bf was not as supportive (emotionally) - at least not in the way I needed. He is not an emotional person and his way of dealing with things is to just carry on. Afterwards, it was hell for me. I felt misplaced, confused, depressed and vulnerable. I was desperate to feel something that was suddenly missing. And he didnt know how to help or cope with me.At this time, one of my best friends who lives abroad decided to buy me a ticket to visit her to look after me as I was a wreck. And she messaged me constantly with support and encouraging words. Because of this, I started feeling confused about my sexuality as I started wondering if men couldnt understand the pain I felt and maybe it meant I could be gay (or should be with a woman).I told my bf about this and he ignored at first then started making jokes about if I would be gay. Then he told me if I went there and something happened with her it would be ok. He kept saying this numerous times and that if it was something I needed to get out of my system that he would understand. I did not want or intend anything to happen anyway. Anyway when I went over there, I spent time with her and started feeling calmer. One night I was skyping back home to him with her. Both she and I had been drinking quite a lot and I was quite drunk. He had been drinking too and also drunk. We were all very giggly and flirty, and he told us to kiss each other-and we went a long with it. It got a bit flirty and when we turned the camera off she and I had a bit of heavy petting. I think she may have tried to go down on me but I passed out.The next day, I immediately felt awful and wish it hadn't happened. I was filled with remorse. When I returned home, over time, my bf seemed to be excited by the idea of me being with a girl and him possibly being involved. I told him there was no way I wanted to have a threesome, or be with a woman in that way. And it was a mistake and it only happened cos of the whole baby situation.Ever since then, however, he has admitted to me that he keeps thinking about having threesomes and he cant get it out of his mind. And that he now thinks about sex with other women. He did not have these thoughts before during the years we were together.In some ways, I think he feels angry with me - as though I opened this box and now he doesnt know how to close it. Or like I led him to an idea, then I "got my fill" and he did not. He has been honest and said to me he now questions if he can even be faithful to me and he worries he may get tempted.We have talked about this so much and just dont know how to fix it. He doesnt want to cheat or doesnt like the fact that it opened up this seediness in him. But at the same time, he doesnt know how to stop it. He has threesome dreams etc from time to time. Neither of us knows what to do and he says he doesnt think it would ever again be the same and that these thoughts and feelings may never go away. Through out it he has been honest with his worries and thoughts and feelings, which I guess is good and bad.We have little money so can not afford counselling etc. I just dunno what to do. Any advice please on how or if we can address or resolve this?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (10 November 2015):
 Let's get the big issue out of the way:
You didn't cheat on your boyfriend, and any guilt you feel that may cause you to feel obligated about granting your bf's wishes OR looking the other way while he cheats on you is unwarranted.
In fact, your boyfriend took advantage of you and your friend's drunken and emotionally vulnerable state. HE directed you to kiss her. HE set this in motion. Everyone is tempted, but he pushed it.
You have nothing to be ashamed of. You were always honest with him about how you feel, and that's good. HE, however, is trying to use this to his advantage.
You don't like to use people, which is most likely why you don't want to put your friend you made out with the position of being used as a sex object for your boyfriend's amusement.
Tell your boyfriend that if you two want to continue, this must all stop now. Either both of you rededicated to becoming monogamous in thought and in action, or your relationship is done. It's actually that simple. If he tries to put it on you, tell him he took advantage of your drunk stage AND he told you to do what you did. HE betrayed your trust.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2015): It started az a problem with an unexpected pregnancy at a very difficult time and then changed into a situation where their was a bit of high jinks and shinnanigans and now its veered over to the boyfriend occupying his time with lustful fantasies and trying to throw a bit of a guilt trip on you to get a bit more entertainment and excitment out of life.
In fact it is a case of "lets talk and do anything ....but ..for goodness sake dont mention the unborn child!"
You'll be surprised to know that this is not at all uncommon.
Couples find it extremley difficult to talk about a miscarriage or in your case the need for a termination and it is often the case that things start spiralling out of control.
In your case i think the thing you want to do is to bring your man back to reality and make it clear that was just a bit of silly skypin.
If you dwell on it with him and amplify the specific details then obviously he will remain extremely interested.
In his opinion this has transformed you into sex kitten extraordinaire and you are no longer moping about the baby.
On top of that he has figured that he can shag two birds for the price of one which is clearly a happy alternative to looking wistfully at baby things or thinking backwards in any way.
He wants to roll forards to happier times at any cost and hey ,ho, if it doesnt work out he can blame you and move on.
Its still classic avoidance from the original problem which is the loss of a potential child.
It is difficult to heal men from this type of emotional loss and pressing the self destruct button is as good as any option to him, plus he's thinking to himself "what bloke wouldnt want two women!"
To him its a win/win situation.
To you its a lose/lose situation.
Its all very well to imagine the act but your feelings afterwards are going to be as mixed up as ever.
Part of you will be angry ,thinking "I wanted a baby, not another woman in the home and i could make myself orgasm ok with him or alone.."
Or you'll just want her to clear off and he'll be wanting one more quickie.
So swinging might seem minging after a bit.
As for your unborn child ..I believe it is quite possible the child could return if his potential mum and dad sober up a bit and start acting like potential parents and a normal couple.
I suggest you book a holiday together to readjust a little.
If you dont want two babies and two mothers and one very broke daddy ,then i think you should review the entire script.
It would make a great film though if your feeling creative enough to write it but sadly expectations of film and reality world often dont match up!
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