My boyfriend treats me horribly now he's in New Zealand. Should I move out there?

A female age 41-50, anonymous writes:

Hi I need some advice on the actions of my boyfriend. He has gone to New Zealand to work for at least a year (emphasis on 'at least'). I knew he was going off to do this when we got together and about 2 years later he left and said he really wanted me to join him as soon as possible. He's been there over 10 months. We have tried to keep things going by text, email and skype but its been really tough. 5 months ago he got really mad at me on the phone and said he could not take it anymore and if I didn't come out it was over - basically threatened me / gave me an ultimatum. I could not get the time off work so we met halfway in Asia for a week - I paid for my flight and the hotel and he just paid for his flight despite me having a much lower income in the UK. During that week things went from amazing sex to terrible arguments - it was turbulent and a lot of distrust came to the surface. I suspected something was wrong and that he had met someone else otherwise why the sudden panic. I checked his phone and found a couple of text exchanges with a male friend of his discussing how they were going to go out and meet new girls and planning how to do this. The texts were a month old. I confronted him about it and he went mad saying it was my fault and he'd warned me. He'd done nothing and not met anyone but had thought about it. It ruined the holiday and we had a physical argument in which he shoved me and told me I was pathetic. I went home still loving this man and said I would try and get out to NZ as soon as I could. This seemed to help. I cannot stand flying and asked him that if I did come all that way would he meet me halfway to break the journey up and be supportive and I would even pay he said no. Since this time I have had a rollercoaster of good weeks and terrible weeks with him threatening to dump me on a regular basis. The next week he says he does not want to finish it and that I am what he wants he wants it to work. He has started to talk about staying there and moving permanently but I find I cannot consider that at the moment. His cruelty and coldness regarding my situation is really hurting me and I am seeing him in a different light. I know he is struggling and lonely but so am I and it was not my choice to do this. He has told me that if I cannot get out very very soon it is over and he must move on. I feel broken. I feel like he has the upper hand and I am being punished. Its horrible. We had a good relationship in the UK for 2 years before this. I don't know what to do. He will not meet me halfway (quite literally) or fly home to see me. Some of his texts have been breathtakingly cold and sometimes insulting. He is 31 years old and I would hope for more.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2008):

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A female reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (13 September 2008):

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