A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I know this is long, but please take the time to read! :)My boyfriend of 3 years and I are both 18. We both put everything into our relationship and have always had respect for each other. Anyways, he hasn't been getting very good sleep lately, so I don't know if he said this b/c he was tired or because he really meant it. Today after school he seemed very grumpy/quiet on the ride to his house. I kept asking what was wrong, and eventually he told me how he doesn't and hasn't held secrets from me, but he says that he feels that he has and how he can't be entirely himself when around me. He says he's different around his family than he is around me or his friends. He said that he will get easily irritated at simple things I do and he feels he's lied to me, yet says he hasn't. He said he can be fully himself around his mom, and then somewhat me..I was extremely confused and began to blame myself. I didn't know what he meant! I'm home now, but I can't help but put myself down... What does this mean? How did it become this way? How can I fix this?SOME BACKGROUND INFO:He and I have grown up in totally different environments. His is more crude-humored and more or less immature and free. When I was young, I was physically and sexually abused by my father, and because of that I'm very mature, and can't stand crude humor that involves abuse or sexual jokes. However, he and I have always comprehended and I do things to respect him and he does things to respect me.But now all of a sudden he starts saying he can't be himself, and can't be crude around me and "holds back"...but I don't know how to fix that...
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (22 March 2013):
 You have been with him since you were both 15. Who you are at 15 is not who you are at 18 and who you are at 18 is not who you will be at 21. Let’s start with that.
He’s feeling different around you. He’s feeling irritated around you lately. He feels like he can’t be himself with you, that’s not a good thing.
This is really not about you and it’s not something YOU can fix.
Being mature does not mean you don’t like bawdy humor. YOU don’t like bawdy humor for whatever reasons and that’s FINE. It’s who you are and how you want to be. IF he likes bawdy humor well then, that’s a difference the two of you will have to overcome.
YOU really can’t fix this. If he wants to crack jokes and stuff that upset you and he feels he can’t and he feels your needs are stifling his, well then there’s not much you can do to fix this.
It may be time for this relationship to end. I know that's not what you want to hear but it's probably going to happen eventually.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2013): This is a very hard question, but it sounds like the both of you are open, honest, and listen to each other. And from someone who answers a lot on this site that is rare thing, so congrats.
Two things in your post really jumped out at me:
1) "His [environment] is more crude-humored and more or less immature and free."
2) "When I was young, I was physically and sexually abused by my father, and because of that I'm very mature"
These sound like over-generalizations to me. And I don't find either of these two statements are intuitively true. I don't think immaturity neccessarily means freedom as you paint your boyfriend. I definitely don't think experiencing a childhood of sex abuse necessarily means you are mature. I have to ask, is this a class issue as well? Does he come for a poorer family, because it almost seems as if you pity him?
What I suspect is happening between you two is that he feels as if he's always on his toes about what he says because of your past. He might say something crass that comes naturally to him and you are upset because it reminds you of something that happened in your childhood. You've not given us an example so we can't really suss out what sort dynamic is going on.
I'd say sometimes even mature people can be crude and loving at the same time. There are relationships where people know the edges of each other and can flirt with the limit safely.
You classified yourself as "mature" apparently due to a childhood of sexual abuse. You stated you were 18 in your question, but you registered as a 20 something? Why are you pretending you're older than you are? Why do you not want to be seen as younger? Might it have something to do with the abuse you've suffered as a child?
I don't think you can "fix" this. There's not a fix, I think there is a fundamental gap in how you two want to have a relationship. He wants it to be relaxing, almost an extension of his family life where he can be what you call "crude" and what he calls "himself". I'm guessing here, but I'm suspecting what you want in this relationship is a break from your family life in which you were treated horribly as a child and have an opportunity to be an adult and "mature" for once, not a helpless victim. Neither motive is bad, they just happen to clash in your situation.
You two are both 18, so I'm not sure if there's couple's counseling for teenagers, but if there is, I would give it a try to at least find out what you're not reading in him and what he's not reading in you. If you don't pursue couple counseling, I would strongly, strongly suggest you do it for yourself. From far off and only slightly informed, it sounds like you are trying to be the adult to this boyfriend when you've never had a real example of it in your life. You might pity him for growing up in a "crude" environment, but it almost sounds as if you haven't really acknowledged that your past was also "crude" in other ways.
Good luck.
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