A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend likes to make plans for us with or without me and it is driving me crazy (it's relevant that we live together). I say yes to much of what he suggests, but sometimes I just don't feel like going. He will suggest something in say, a week and I will decline. He will usually ask me a couplet times a day and I will continue to decline. Then the thing he suggested we go to in a week will come around and again, I will decline, then he will throw a fit and sulk around and say I've ruined his plans, even though I've never ever even once said I would do it. He will often go alone and then come back and be nasty to me about how I "deserted" and abandoned him.He particularly likes to do it with small things like watching movies. He will ask if I want to watch our netflix that night and if I say no or not now, he will ask me every 5-10 minutes if I want to watch (which of course makes me want to watch even less), then sulk around and act like I've ruined the whole evening by not watching the movie. Sometimes he will literally grab the chair I'm sitting in and drag me to the computer to watch or even pick me up and carry me in.It's like a kid throwing a temper tantrum. It's basically impossible for me to decline his plans without all hell breaking loose and I feel like I often agree to things I don't want to do just to keep the peace. We rarely fight about it, but he gets moody when I do stand up for myself. He's not quite as pushy about sex, but often when he wants sex he'll make me be quite rude and mean to turn him down. Like he'll get turned on and start kissing and groping and I'll say I'm not in the mood and he'll keep groping and trying and I'll keep saying no and he doesn't stop until I say it forcefully and meanly. He isn't scary/aggressive about it, like I never feel like he would continue without permission, just highly persistent and annoying.I've sort of lost my patience about it and find myself snapping at him almost every time he suggests plans. What should I do?
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (2 December 2013):
 You need to realize that if he's on the Autistic spectrum that his behavior is not done "on purpose" but it's the only way he has to cope... it's his only interface with the world.
It may be seriously that you are not cut out for being with a person who will have such high needs in terms of interpersonal skills.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (2 December 2013):
 Well, THAT might explain it a LOT more then anything else. My guess is still that he got away with it growing up, it becomes a pattern. Most people Autistic or not like patterns.
Have you sat him down and talked about it? Other then the "having to be rude"?
Have you talked to his mom/dad on how you could perhaps deal with it better? Maybe he WASN'T raised like that but tried it at home, his mom might have some good tips.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe is autistic. He NEVER forgets, he incredibly smart and has a mind like a trap. But he is inflexible.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (2 December 2013):
Does he have ADHD or learning disabilities?
I ask because his behavior is not acceptable but his constant inability to take NO for answer strikes me as a touch ADHD like....
when he asks you to do something the first time and you say no... and give him a reason... then he asks again...do you REMIND HIM you already said no ONCE? if he says "no you didn't" or "I forgot" THAT MAY be true.
I get in a lot of trouble at my home with my husband for saying things I NEVER said. My husband will have conversations "in his head" and think about what he THINKS I will say.. then he YELLS at me for saying these things when I never actually said them... very frustrating... your guy may be forgetting you said NO.... NOT saying it's acceptable but it may be an explanation.
I have found that for my peace of mind I do everything I can for dates and that sort of thing IN WRITING... my husband and I live in the same house.. but we email things constantly.... it helps me remember (I have severe ADHD) and it gives us a record of what's going on....
Do you ever say yes to him? part of the issue may be that you "always" say no... even if you say yes 20% of the time that's a lot more NO than yes..... that may be part of the issue...
but yes sitting down and talking is critical. if you feel you can't do it alone a good therapist will help you figure out how to communicate as a couple.... that's what couples counseling is mostly about... figuring out how to communicate.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (1 December 2013):
I agree with Auntie BimBim. YOU two need to have a LONG TALK.
My guess is he was raised this way. (LEARNED behavior) If he threw a fit he got what he wanted. And if he dated someone before you... he properly did it to her too. YOU even give in here and there, just to "please" or placate him so obviously it WORKS more then it fails for him, to use that kind of manipulation.
He might not even be aware of it. It's just his most EFFECTIVE reaction to being turned down. He is using the "child role" to get what he wants, think 3-5 year old at the store who wants candy and is being told no. A TIRED mom/dad will often give in because it's EASIER and get the child to just STOP. Unfortunately it also reinforce the tantrums.
If a LONG talk about it doesn't work, then TRY use his method on his a few times, and see how he likes it.
Have you tried ignoring it?
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A
male
reader, M Proops  +, writes (1 December 2013):
Don't marry him whatever you do,if he's like this now you'll be like a prisoner then.Relationships should always be give and take equally, it's about love and respect for one another.He sounds selfish to me.There's no future in this relationship.....sorry.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (1 December 2013):
 Sit him down in the most unthreatening spot in your home, usually the kitchen table. Sit beside him, and tell him you want to talk, make sure he is there with you by looking into his eyes.
Make sure he keeps looking at you while you talk, if his eyes stray, say his name and pull his attention back. Tell him this is important to you, and to your relationship.
Ask him if he is willing to listen, continue to ensure he is focussed on you and your conversation, look him right in the eyes and tell him what you have told us and tell him how it makes you feel.
We are talking about YOUR feelings here, let him know how bad this behaviour is making you feel, and that you don't want to continue snapping and losing patience.
Ask him what he thinks the two of you need to do to make it better. If he wont play or tries to blame shift, pick up your prepacked bag and leave.
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