A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend thinks I'm bad at handling money and I don't know how to change how to change his mind. He is 22 and I'm 21. I think I'm ok at handling money. Not great but ok. I constantly have not much money because I'm living on a student loan but I get by. Every now and then I treat myself to a new piece of clothing or chocolate or something. He has a decent amount of savings because he qualified for student allowance but his parents paid his living expenses so he saved it up. My parents have never paid my living expenses. Recently he has bought a trip for the two of us to fiji because he wanted to go with someone he trusts and will have fun with. I told him up front that I couldn't afford it but he said it's ok and he will cover me. Now he keeps saying that he only gas to pay for me because I'm bad with money. I think he resents paying for me even though I told him I couldn't afford it and he should go with someone else who could pay half. I've never had extra money to save like he has. I have been looking for part time work while I study but haven't had any luck yet. I frequently get interviews but haven't had any job offers.I feel like it's not my fault that I can't contribute to the trip but it upsets me that he resents it. It was his idea and I didn't want to go because I knew I couldn't pay.Now he keeps going on and on about how bad I am at handling money and how he wants control of our savings when we both have jobs and get a joint account. It hurts that he thinks low of me, especially since I have seen first hand with my mum (who is terrible with money) what it's like and I hate the idea that he sees me that way. It hurts. I've always considered myself quite sensible and practical. What can I do to make him think I can handle money well and am not a degenerate shopaholic or irresponsible?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2014): He thinks he can get control of the money when you both have jobs??? I hope to god you don't let that happen. He can quite happily swan around with his stashed student loan cash as he is fortunate to have parents footing the bill for everything, you are right this doesn't mean you are bad with money. I would say you're doing very well with money if you're stretching a student loan to cover everything without even a part time job.He shouldn't be so judgemental and in actual fact if he resents paying then tell him you won't go and he can find someone who will pay because you're not being judged by him when you're circumstances are completely different. Stand up for yourself. I don't mean go and have a blazing row but tell him quite directly that you don't appreciate being judged and told you're no good with money when you have managed to survive on next to nothing. The trip was his idea and his choice to pay, if he now regrets that then he can go with a friend. He is your boyfriend, for him to even suggest he would take control of money is a bit worrying - I am married and both my husband and I are more than capable of managing our own finances! We have a joint account for the mortgage and such but we also have separate accounts. Just because you're with someone doesn't mean you have to merge your whole lives and then one person takes control - it's all very equal (or should be) when you're with someone.I'd politely decline his suggestion he manages the future money, to be honest if he was that great with money he perhaps wouldn't be blowing a load of it on a trip, or maybe he would tell his parents he could fund himself - if he's that great with money....
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2014): This is the op. Thank you for your great advice, especially youwish. I have just investigated those books online and will have a look at seminars etc
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A
male
reader, Mark1978  +, writes (28 September 2014):
 YouWish has offered you some great advice.
Do you want a boyfriend or a treasurer? A partner or a parent? Free will and responsibility or someone offering you some of your own money in the form of an allowance?
A joint account when your not married or living together is not a good plan at all. That does smack of being controlling to me too. Plus you need to be wary of falling into the trap of having someone badly effect your credit rating....a friend of mine got a joint account with her partner and low and behold he got into debt and she couldn't get credit for a long time as a result of his stupidity.
If he really thinks you are bad with money and that's the only reason he wants a joint account then that shows tremendous arrogance and naivity too. He would stand to loose a lot if you overspent and could, and im not sure about the legalities, end up loosing half his finances to you if the relationship broke down. Nobody in their right mind would want a joint account with someone they perceive as bad with money.
Lets be honest: at 22 and with his parents paying for him he will have money to spare, especially if he is working. That doesnt make him a success or good with money. When his parents turn off the tap and he has to fend for himself he wont be so quick at splashing his cash and boasting about his ability to control his money.
Also asking you to attend a trip to Fiji knowing full well you are out of work and making ends meet via a student loan is a little odd. That doesn't show financial integrity, its shows that he is making poor choices. He could have gone with a friend or family member who could pay, rather than paying for you then moaning about it.
Putting your boyfriend to one side for a moment, you have admitted to not being great with finance. These are very tough economic times and if your not preparing yourself now then your future could be one of struggles and issues.
Just "getting by" is no longer an option for young people. You face potential financial hardship and a dire job market for a long time to come. You say you have had plenty of interviews for jobs but not been offered any? Then it would be foolish to simply carry on attending interviews in the same manner and keep on being rejected. You need to look at what is stopping you gaining employment and work on your interview technique. There are so many ways you can do that: training courses, ask at your place of study for support, look online for good answers to standard questions, etc. You need to be able to gain employment now and earn some money so that when you leave behind your studies you can get a job quickly. Your student loan will have to be paid back when you graduate which means you need to be savy with money.
Mark
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A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (28 September 2014):
 Okay, now that I'm done shouting at you because your post really had me scared for you, and truly, I really care about people like you who are wanting good financial management. Here's what you do:
First of all, I misread your national flag and thought you were from Australia. Sorry about that - you're from New Zealand. You should go to your bank and your library for books on financial management. Your bank would also offer online and possibly in-person free courses on financial management, including debt management, budgeting, investing, wise short and long term planning and all that. You can save hundreds of thousands of dollars in your lifetime by learning this skill, and your boyfriend doesn't have this skill.
Online courses are out there too if you're interested. I know you said your mom didn't have a handle on money, and many other aunts and readers on here can say the same - that parents don't sit down with their kids and talk about money management enough.
When I was younger, like a teenager, I read Personal Finance for Dummies, took a consumer financial free course, read about Negotiation, took accounting and economics in college as part of my business administration major, and I use my skills both for the home and the businesses as well now. The financial book that changed my life is a small one called The Richest Man in Babylon, which talks about financial management as part of a parable.
One part of the parable talks about making sure that the money you invest is with those who are wise enough to manage it, who have the skills and experience. For example, let's say your car broke down, and you need to get it repaired. Would you take that car to the guy who sells ice cream at a mall who has no mechanical experience whatsoever? No way! You'd laugh at the thought! Or better yet, say your gas-powered kitchen stove sparks every time you turn it on. Who would you call, the guy who is a professional stove repairman who has been fixing stoves of all kinds for 20 years, is certified, licensed, and insured in stove repair, and knows how to handle natural gas hooking up or unhooking, or would you call your buddy that you have a great time shopping with? She has a really good listening ear, is great to shop with, and she cares about you and needs the money, so offers to fix your stove if you'd pay her. However, she has zero experience fixing stoves, and wants to rely on watching Youtube videos to muddle her way through it. But she's a great girl, and you want her to think well of you, right??
See the analogy yet? The professional stove repair guy would get the job done safely, efficiently, and most of all, he'd do it perfectly well. Your good, sweet, friend would mostly likely get you killed in a gas fire the moment you turned on the burner.
Which one is your boyfriend? He's the guy who will burn your financial house down because he is NOT SKILLED in financial management. He's the same age and he has some money saved because of handouts. That's like the blind leading the blind. He wants to run you off a financial cliff with extravagant, unaffordable trips to Fiji and he wants to blow your credit rating by taking every penny you earn. No way.
Speaking of combining finances, let's say a friend of yours wants to start a new business after you get out of college. Say she wants a coffee shop, and her reasoning is that she loves coffee and wants to do what she loves. Sure, sounds good. Say she needs investment capital, so she wants you to be her silent partner (meaning she wants to run the business) for only $20,000, which you happen to have because of an inheritance.
First question is - what is her business plan, and is she qualified to run this business. Say she isn't. She loves coffee, but she doesn't know demographics, day-to-day operations, hiring, firing, filing permits with the government, anything to do with owning a business. But she's your friend, and she has a dream. Would you give her the $20,000 because she's a friend? No way! She has no knowledge nor skill, and starting and running a business isn't something to practice with no knowledge. With 95% of all new businesses failing within the first two years, you can pretty much kiss that money goodbye.
That would be you handing over control of your entire financial life to a guy who's a toddler with a chainsaw..basically less knowledge of finances than you do. You'd give him all of that power simply because you're afraid of his opinion of you based on a frivolous Fiji trip? His opinion isn't qualified, because he is a blind man.
Do it right. Take courses and read books on financial management. Find a real mentor in your life (your bank is a good place to start) who can guide you into really making wise choices, and you'll find your money making interest, working for you, choosing good value things to invest in, and watching your money grow and grow. In the right hands, each coin and dollar bill in your hands is like a little golden slave that go out, reproduces more golden slaves to work for you, who go out and reproduce even MORE.
If you REALLY want to get good financially, I'm pointing you in the right direction. Do it for yourself. Don't do it for your foolish boyfriend.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (28 September 2014):
NO NO NO NOOOOOOOO DO NOT JOIN ACCOUNTS WITH HIM!!!!!!
I know it's in bad form to shout in all caps and stuff, but SERIOUSLY DO NOT EVEN THINK ABOUT IT! Do not show him your financial stuff! Do not! You do not prove to him ANYTHING! Your finances are NONE OF HIS DAMN BUSINESS, end of story! You don't answer to him, nor do you show him your private data. You are your own gatekeeper of your finances.
In fact, his wanting control over your savings and demanding a joint account when you get jobs is a really huge red flag. That is controlling. You are SINGLE. You must ask yourself what he stands to gain by that, because 99% of other guys who truly think their girlfriends are bad at handling money are scrambling like mad crazy people to stay AWAY from their girlfriend's finances.
Now, let me give you a bit of logic here. Have you seen your boyfriend's credit history? No. In fact, wanna know what is REALLY scary? I don't know about the laws in Australia, but in the US, he could get into serious trouble diverting government money from what the government intended it to be for.
Also, his getting a handout from his parents don't make him good with money AT ALL. He didn't earn any of this money. It was a handout. Not only that, but seriously??? He receives a handout from his parents, and instead of saving the money for a down payment on a car, or a house, or investments, or even clothes or something he can keep, he comes up with the idea to take an expensive trip to FIJI, one of the most financially irresponsible things he could possibly do with his money.
Neither of you can afford this trip. You should have told him that you can't afford it, and that you're not going. You should have had the guts to tell him that HE can't afford it either by spending government money on a Fiji trip. You're not the one who's bad with money. HE IS. You're living on your own two feet, and he's living off of his parents and the government.
Whatever you do, DO NOT EVEN THINK about showing him a molecule of anything to do with your finances. Not now, and not ever. That's one way to get your identity stolen. I know someone who did that with her boyfriend, and he started opening credit cards with her name and information secretly behind her back, and then maxing them out, leaving her with a horrible credit rating and needing to file bankruptcy.
He is NOT your husband. You do NOT show him anything. It is HIS bad decision to go to Fiji. You're a student. NEVER join accounts unless you are MARRIED. Not "gonna marry". Not "living together", and certainly not because you are afraid of what he thinks of you.
Truly, if a guy ever suggested the things your boyfriend suggested, I'd dump him. If he thought you were truly bad, the thing a TRULY caring boyfriend would do would be to make it a date to go to financial management classes or courses they run locally to help you learn skills, because it's shady for his solution to his opinion that you're bad with money is to take your own money over so that he can make your decisions for you. That is shady, and I think he needs your money more than you think he does. In fact, I think he's in trouble financially, or he's going to be. That would be some trick for him to be afoul of the government and want to use your account to hide money.
He's defrauding the government by not using his allowance to pay for his college living. It's not there for him to save. That can get someone in jail here.
Be careful, and DO NOT SHOW HIM ANYTHING. That is a terrifying thing that he could actually bully you and shame you into considering something as dangerous as that.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2014): You sit him down with his bank statement compare his income vs his spending / savings. Then do the same with yours. Ask him how he would afford a holiday with no student loans and without his parents paying for his accommodation. Let him do the calculations himself. Hopefully he will apologise to you afterwards.
If he doesn't I would reconsider a future with him. It's not very respectful or caring to resent helping your partner. Heave forbid that you are ever too sick to work or lose your job. He'd kick you out of the family home! And he will resent the hell out of you for being on maternity leave when that day comes.
Talk to him about how you feel.
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