A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend is too stuck in his ways.. He suffers with anxiety and ocd, its really quite bad but I knew this before I stated going out with him, I just feel its getting to much for me even though I love him.He won't get on buses to go places with me because of his anxiety so we have to get lifts everywhere if we go out. The problem is he is too stuck in his ways of accepting being like this and seemingly makes no effort to attempt to change it, but just takes how he is as going to be like that forever rather than trying to overcome it.The other day we had a stupid " fight " about me cutting my hair short and him not wanting me to, he blamed it on the ocd and apologised but then said 'oh but I'm used to pissing people off because of the way I am'... He's so dismissive of it.Will this ever work out??? How do I try help him out of being like this?? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (30 December 2012):
 My husband has OCD.
everything has to be done the way he needs it done. things like cooking... he's picky. or laundry... he wants a particular soap/fabric softener etc...
He wants his shirts hung up a particular way and I won't do it so he does it. If he did not care how I hung his shirts I'd hang them but since it BOTHERS him so much I just let him hang them.
What I wear or how I wear my hair is not under his jurisdiction although he prefers my hair straight and I have gotten used to it so I keep it this way... but he would like it shorter and I do not like it shorter so the compromise is longer and straight....
also he prefers me in heels and short skirts... me, I'm a jeans and flats kind of girl, so he gets a say in what I wear on DATE night only.... and because he gets his say he usually says "whatever you like"
I like to be barefoot and he can't stand it. He could not bear to get into the bed with me if I had been walking around downstairs in bare feet... so we compromised and I now wear slippers in the house 98% of the time... so he deals with the 2% and I have learned to be comfy in slippers.
Also, he knows he is a bit OCD and is in therapy with me to work on issues that pop up due to his need for order and cleanliness. As long as he continues to take responsibility for his behavior I'm fine with dealing with it.
A person who says I have OCD (or ADHD) and you just have to learn to cope with it... is NOT taking responsibility for their illness or their behavior. OCD or ADHD is NOT an excuse for bad behavior... it is an EXPLANATION of why things are harder for us and it may take a bit of work to get it right.(I have severe ADHD and that mixed with OCD is a sitcom waiting to happen)
If he expects everyone to kowtow to him and his needs and he won't make any effort to work towards a compromise, then NO it's not going to work.
There are therapies that work to help those with OCD as well as medications that help. IF he is not willing to look into these things, then I don't hold out much hope for the relationship.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (30 December 2012):
 No it won't work. And honestly, I don't see WHY it should work, if his strategy is just expecting that you suck it up always staying caring and accepting.
You are his partner, not his nurse in some psychiatric patients facility. Partners met each other half way, and cooperate toward common goals , like : having a fulfilling, balanced relationship.
Anxiety and OCD are not incurable , and can be healed, or at leastsuccessfuly managed and contained, with proper therapy, proper techniques, and proper medication, if necessary.
If he is not doing anything of the above, he is not taking any responsibility for this relationship, he's letting you do all the work and the adjustements. That's a bad , very self centered attitude, and I suspect it comes more from his personality/ vision of life than just fom his medical condition.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (30 December 2012):
 You can't. IF he is OCD you have to learn to accept it.... and either LIVE with it/him.... or separate from him because you can't tolerate it......
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (30 December 2012):
 In order for this to work there will have to be work put in from both of you. Anxiety can be completely debilitating. To you it probably feels like, "why can't he just get over it? It's irrational, if he'd just think rationally, he'd realize it's not a big deal." You have to change that mentality to treat this like it's a physical condition. It might help you to visualize it as a broken leg or something, because at the moment he has as much ability to think it away as someone in a wheelchair can think himself into walking.
The other half has to come from him. Anxiety and OCD are manageable and controllable with the proper help. This could be just therapy or a combination of therapy and medication. He needs to be willing to work on it and not treat it as an unchangeable thing. He will probably always have some of it, but he can get better about it.
You need to decide a) if you can manage to be with someone with these issues and b) can see that he's willing to try for some improvement.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (30 December 2012):
 Just wondering why you would be drawn to your boyfriend at the first place. People with OCD and anxiety might seem charming at first, because often they are of above average intelligence. It's hard to get them to change because this is who they are and they are proud of it. The movie, As Good As It Gets, is what I could think of. Helen Hunt was able to make Jack Nicholson into a more considerate, emphathetic person when before he's nasty and mean. I think this is as fantasy as it gets. In real life it never happens.
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