A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've been in a really weird relationship for the last year of my life and I would greatly appreciate any thoughts or advice. I apologize ahead of time for the "lengthiness", but I figured details will help you guys out.I've been with my bf for nearly a year now and its been a rocky ride. Things went smooth sailing at first and it was only because I over-looked things he did. He's a fun-loving person who adore for his personality. However, we have slightly different views in life. He watches porn all the time and claims that grinding in clubs isn't sexual. Moreover, he still hangs out with his exes and stays over at their place way after midnight and tells me nothing happened. I told him that I don`t like that one bit and says he has stopped. I've come to accept that men watch porn and I try to be fine with it. However, grinding is a big no-no and he claims to have stopped doing so. But I have my doubts..... Last month he signed up on a site where u meet sex partners and when I confronted him, he said that it was a random junk mail that he accidently may have subscribed to when signing up for porn. I knew he was BS'n but I didn't wanna cause too much of a drama. So he continued to get emails from this site and I just discovered that he still checks all the msgs those women send him. I was happy that he wasn't responding but it turns out you have to pay for membership. So he probably hasn't msged anyone cuz he doesn't wanna get membership to the site. We have a really active sex life, so I dont understand what the problem is. We're both open to trying to new sexual things and he swears that he's happy with me both emotionally and sexually. He calls me his best friend and his wife.....then why would he do this to me? Thanks in advance for any advice....I would really appreciate any thoughts or comments. I talk about this to my friends all the time, but I would like the input of those from a different age group and different life experiences. Thanksss!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI thank all of you who took the time to reply. You have truly helped me out. I am not married to him. As stated by one of you, we're both young...not to mention that he's actually a year younger than me. So my frndz believe its an issue of maturity. He tends to act a tad bit childish, and I used to find it adorable. He even says that I'm his best frnd, wife and even his mother. But reality is that I am in my early 20s and definately not ready to be his mother. I've truly been "blinded by love" and now I feel really embarrassed of how stupid I've been. For someone who's doing her Master's I've been so dumb. He's continuing to "live" his life...which is fair...but at what expense? He's taken my peace of mind and trust over him to "live his life to the max". I can't just be like him and start watching porn cuz dat'z not how I am. I am not saying it's "wrong" to watch porn, but it's not who I am. I'm not the type to flirt or look for another potential mate while in a relationship. I constantly ask him if he's truly happy with me and if he's ready to be committed to me. He claims that he is.....I'm not even sure if he's certain about that answer. Nevertheless, it's either a maturity issue or he simply doesn't care. The more I think about, the less I believe that he cares about me. He has a major temper issue and usually brings me to tears by blowing up over matters that was out of my control. I've invested a lot of time, energy, and money on him. Despite all that I've lost, I know that I really care about this guy and I truly love him......too bad it looks like things will have to end if they don't change. I once again thank you all for your time and I know I can get through this thanks to my family, frndz, and people like you who take the precious time to help the life of a stranger. P.S. Grinding is a form of dance that involves a lot of physical contact. I think Wikipedia has a more complete answer : "Grinding is a type of close partner dance where two or more dancers rub their bodies (especially the genitalia) against each other in a sexually suggestive manner." (I'm not too fond of clubbing, so my boyfrnd thinks I dunno wat grinding is and told me that he doesn't think grinding is sexual...YA RITE!!!)
A
female
reader, Manya  +, writes (25 July 2009):
Hi! I think Sincerely Yours has an excellent answer. I just would like to add a few thoughts. First of all, they say that "love is blind" and I can understand how you would overlook those things at the beginning... you're hoping that, once your mutual love is stronger, he would move away from those activities as he becomes more and more devoted to you. Since you said you wanted input from a different age group, I will give you a more experienced perspective, which took me forever to learn!!!!!! Well, you are both(I assume he is about your age) young, and I think that he is not 100% sure of the both of you and wants to keep his eye out to see what else is around.I think that if you spend your energy monitoring his "eye" that it will not help as much as simply being more fully yourself and truly putting your energy into being the best, happiest and most interesting "YOU" you can be!! Then he will be so busy trying to keep up with you that he will ignore those messages! ( Of course it's agonizing when he checks out those messages from other women and you should tell him so. But be strong enough in yourself tothink, well if this keeps up, I could look around, too!!) I hope that everything will work out between you both!Love,Manya
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2009): Are you his wife?.. Anyway..
I think that if you look closely at this, you will realize that this is partly your fault. You cannot start off a relationship by overlooking things and you cannot succeed throughout it by not confronting him because you dont want drama. You started off overlooking and allowing him to behave a certain way, so he took that to be true to who actually are and when you go back on that later on in the relationship, he's not likely to be completely respectful of what you ask, unfortunately. The rules and boundries need to be laid out first thing, clear and strong. I don't see how a relationship can servive if they cannot agree on boundries, so that's why i think they need to be said first.
He however, sounds like one of those men, who just can't settle for one person. Some people just need different sources of everything. It sounds like he's doing everything he can without actually cheating on you and that's not healthy. He's pushing it and he's in danger of crossing that line one day. You need to settle this here and now and decide what is appropriate, what is not, and what the consequences for the deciet are. If you don't want him doing these things, then you can't let him get away with it. By not doing anything about it for any reason that you've mentioned, you're telling him, "it doesn't matter if she doens't like it.. she's not going to do anything about it." and he will then feel like he can do it over and over and have no consequence.. If you want this relationship to go somewhere, then i really suggest laying it down right now, loud and clear. Make him hear you and make him know that you're not putting up with it anymore. That this is what you want in a relationship and if he can't provide that, then you'll have to find one that can. Even if it's a bluff, it may wake him up. But i don't suggest making empty threats. If he learns they're empty, he'll really stop caring what you think.
Goodluck! I'm sorry to hear all this. I hope you can continue to be a strong person.
~Sy.
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