A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So ive only been dating my boyfriend for a few weeks now, but i feel like he spoils me entirely TOO much, as selfish as that sounds, in a way it kind of makes me feel helpless like im incapable of doing anything myself. I told him about it, and he just says he wants to do those things to make me happy and support me. Ive known him for awhile and we had sex the day before he asked me too be his gf and from the day foward its was expensive gifts, hotel suites, expensive dinners, flowers etc he wont let me pay or do anything by myself. In a way i feel like hes trying to buy my love and sex and i feel bad if i dont give him any after everything hes done for me. He also lives 4 hours away and travels every weekend to see me. I know he really really likes me i just feel uncomfortable with all the gifts, its something im not used to at all. What do i do?
View related questions:
flowers Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (29 November 2011):
 From your post it sounded as if you wanted to put a halt to him buying you.
Just enjoy it while you can, because there will come a time when the gifts dry up.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (28 November 2011):
 Trust me honey he does not feel like he HAS to do these things.. he does them because he wants to... enjoy the ride.
...............................
A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (28 November 2011):
 He already knows he doesn't HAVE to. If he did, it would be a chore and he'd be less enthusiastic about it. And he doesn't expect you to shower him with gifts. He knew that from the start.
We hear from women all the time, who feel unappreciated after many years of marriage. Most of their husband's started out doing what your fellow is doing.
You may not be with him for monetary gain and that's good, but don't go to the other extreme trying to convince him you're affection is unconditional. You're a valuable person, as he is, so let him treat you like one.
...............................
A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (28 November 2011):
 Well then, try in small ways to make him know how much you appreciate and like him. When you try hard to please him (not sex) you will see the effects for yourself.. lol.. the men, they push out their chest, they seem to have more confidence and self-esteem, they look like a rooster (male hen) who is trying to lay an egg.. You can actually see it.And why shouldn't he feel great.. He is loved by the most wonderful, prettiest, exciting, challenging, clever woman in the world. He'a got it good and he knows it. and he isn't afraid to show it.If you love him, let him into your heart, put down the barriers, and show him respect and receive respect, riches, love, kindness and all the wonderful joy and happiness that love brings. It's worth it, I promise you.. and if he breaks your heart, you will look back and know you once were loved, and he tried hard to show how valuable and precious you are to him. Money is just money, but to him, your beyond words.I lived it baby, and it is fine, and it is good.....
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell its not that im trying to stop it, i just dont want him to feel like he "Has" to do those things to keep me. I want him to know that im going to be with him regardless of him having the world or 1 penny.
...............................
A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (28 November 2011):
I'm more interested in you and your thinking. You were happy to sleep with this guy, with no gifts, no presents, and no promise of a long term relationship. You were happy with this. But now the guy wants to be closer to you, he wants to spoil you, treat you nice, make you his girlfriend and show you off to the world, all of a sudden you've got a problem."I know he really really likes me i just feel uncomfortable with all the gifts, its something im not used to at all." (ms anonymous)"In a way i feel like hes trying to buy my love and sex and i feel bad if i dont give him any after everything hes done for me." (ms anonymous)I don't understand.. you gave him sex anyway, why would he need to try to buy you now. He knows you don't need rich presents to have sex with a man.He's got money, so the things he gives you are more expensive. If he had less money, he'd take you to the cinema, maybe cook you a dinner, and pay for some video's and some wine for when you stay at home.I must be strange.. Don't all men act like this. To me this is the normal and correct behaviour, especially in the first year of a relationship. I was with a guy for 18 years, and yep, that's exactly how it was for me, every day, all the time, it didn't stop at all. Guy loved me, and therefore wanted to see me happy. He knew I didn't like expensive stuff, so he would go out and bring back wild flowers, or stuff from charity shops..and the best thing ever, a stone, pink quartz that he got from the seaside.The correct behaviour is not to get frightened because a man loves you and wants to treat you nice. You love him, so of course your entitled to accept the gifts he wants to give. When women are happy, they make men happy, and the same goes for him. Who wants to treat their boyfriend bad and make him sad.You don't have the money to give him stuff, so you are not required to match him for gifts. But there are tons of free stuff you can do to make him happy and make him feel wanted and appreciated. First thing, don't throw his gifts back, instead make a fuss, say how clever and kind he is for knowing exactly what you need. People feel bad when you reject their gifts, and if you can't get used to being loved and taken care of, then maybe this guy isn't right for you.Massage, dinner at home, compliments, kisses and hugs all the time.. All free and easy. He wants to make you his queen, why worry, why not just make him your king.Of course, in many relationships, this kind of kindness will die down. But it doesn't have to. Stop wasting time trying to stop him, and start spending time trying to think how you can make him happy, (and I don't mean sex, men are more than just a penis) and continue the honeymoon period for as long as your together.
...............................
A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (28 November 2011):
I didn't see your follow up when I answered your question, but I don't change anything I've said. In fact you've confirmed some of what I said.
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (28 November 2011):
 He's one of those guys who don't think he deserves your love, probably he has put you on a pedestal to be worshiped, and now he's making as many sacrifices as he possibly can to make sure he gets to keep you. It'll burn him out eventually, and eventually you'll get accustomed to it as well, so that when he finally stops, and yes he will stop, you'll feel neglected. He needs to cool it down or else he's ruining any possibility for a happy future with you.
You need to not get used to this, because he'll stop. One day, suddenly, he'll stop. Once he gets comfortable with you, maybe after 4-7 months, he'll stop. And by then you'll be so used to it you will feel neglected, because it'll change the entire relationship dynamic.
So how to fix this? Here's what you need to do. You need to be firm and tell him no means no. Decline these hotel invitations. Or demand that you pay your own half. But the most important part is to not get used to it, because it will stop by itself... And, the second most important thing is to give him tasks. Give him things he needs to do for you. Tell him that you want to have him with you every weekend, and close to demand that he does take that 4 hour drive. That way you are focusing your demand on one thing (something that he might be doing anyway), but now it is something you demand of him contra to something he does out of his own free will. Which will add more pressure on this one act, and more meaning to it, and probably this will be enough to make him stop doing the extra things.
Alternatively you can tell him you do not want him to pay for this or that for you, but instead ask him if he wouldn't be a darling and do something very very important for you? And then ask him to either fix something simple for you, or fetch something of little importance. You know, such as helping you reach things that are on the top shelf which you can't reach, or take out the trash, or carry your groceries.
Your boyfriend has an urgent need to feel useful and needed. Provide him with smaller tasks to do, and lavishly thank him for them, and he'll stop doing the extravagant things that would make him both broke and exhausted.
...............................
A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (28 November 2011):
He isn't going to keep this up forever. This is the courting phase and he's pampering you in anticipation of you pampering and accomodating him when the relationship is solid and he feels secure.
General rule of thumb is that the more he does for you in the beginning, the more he expects from you later (that applies to men and women alike).
I'm not suggesting you milk the man. Certainly be gracious and appreciative, but don't make a huge fuss of anything he does for you. Doing so will lead him to believe he's providing you with something you could not have had on your own, that you're unaccustomed to being treated well and that you owe him.
Remember, he's doing this because he believes you can have any man you want and he wants you to choose him. Don't encourage him to think otherwise.
...............................
A
male
reader, Flightfrk02 +, writes (28 November 2011):
From a male reader, I think it's in our DNA to spoil a girl we really care about, for me I spoiled my girlfriend for a long time, had recently hit a rough spot, unemployed and now she has a great job and is able to help me, I'm grateful, but trust me if a guy is a true man, it's hard to get help from a girl, as we are born and raised as the "sole providers" the world is changing and you don't see that very much anymore though, just be happy he can spoil you
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI actually really do like him alot and im so happy i have such a great man. He is fairly wealthy because hes hasnt had anyone in a while to spend his money on or do things, he works alot, goes to the gym then spends the rest of his time talking to me, he told me he puts me first before anyone in him life. Ive never had anyone thats cared about me so much.
...............................
A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (28 November 2011):
Wow, I've never heard of woman complaining about the lavish gifts she's receiving. It's usually women complaining about how their boyfriend doesn't even buy them flowers.
Do you like him as much as he likes you? Are you uncomfortable with the gifts because you're unsure about the relationship.
Is he wealthy? Maybe he's used to this lifestyle of expensive hotels and dinners. He really doesn't know how to be more middle class.
This weekend when he visits, just tell him while you appreciate his efforts in making you happy, you'd be just as happy without the lavish gifts, expensive hotels, and expensive dinners. Ask him to tone it down. Suggest places you want to dine at, and snatch up the bill when the waitress puts it on the table insisting to pay. Have an evening in at your place, ordering pizza, and watching rented DVDs. Show him your lifestyle and what you're comfortable with.
...............................
|
