A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I really don't know what to do about my situation, and would really appreciate some advice.My sex life with my boyfriend is really getting me down.I really want intimacy and to feel like my boyfriend desires me sexually, but this is usually how it goes down... We'll be in bed watching a movie, and he'll suddenly pull his pants down and place my hand on his genitals.Does anyone think that this is normal way of initiating sex?I have told him countless times that I want kissing/touching and some romance... but he continues to do this and it makes me feel like I'm some sort of prostitute, just there to satisfy his needs. Even during sex he barely touches me, and doesn't put in any effort into satisfying me.I'm starting to feel very unattractive, and already have insecurity issues... What can I do about this?(I have tried refusing sex, but he will NOT leave me alone until I give it to him)
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (18 January 2013):
 nope not even remotely normal.
and not kind.
my husband sleeps naked and he would never dream of placing my hand on his genitals for me. IF i wanna touch him I touch him.
And my husband is the most selfish clueless lover there is. (yes he is I admit it I love him anyway)
You have a couple of options:
1. next time he does that SQUEEZE REALLY HARD and don't let go till he says OUCH or asks what you are doing. IF he does not ask... don't say anything. do not release or remove your hand till he responds.
2. just remove your hand and ignore him.
he will move it back to his penis... remove your hand and get up and go to the couch or the guest room that night.
3. when he dogs after you for sex warn him that if he does not stop you are leaving as you are not a prostitute. IF he does not stop... LEAVE... make arrangments to go to mom's or a girlfriends or if you must go to a motel that night. DO NOT contact him. DO NOT take his calls or texts. IN FACT, TURN OFF YOUR PHONE. the next day go to work as if nothing is wrong. When you get home, if he says anything, as long as he wants to TALK or apologize then you should be willing to do so. IF He wants to attack you in any way... WALK out again. STAY OUT that night too.
eventually he will either GET IT or you will have had enough and you will leave.
my husband has had to learn (by being TAUGHT much like we teach children and puppies) that standing in front of me naked and wiggling his hips to flap his flaccid penis at me is not a way to entice me to have sex. He knows now that he has to kiss and cuddle on the couch to entice me... he has to be affectionate all the time not just when he wants sex.... He knows he better cuddle me in bed... and I get kisses every day.... and he's smart enough to know that if he puts my hand somewhere I'm not wanting it whatever I'm being told to grab is getting grabbed the way I see fit.
A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy  +, writes (18 January 2013):
 No, it's not a normal way of initiating sex. It's not because you are unattractive. I hope it's because he's young and doesn't have a clue, though I'm not entirely convinced.
You have to communicate. You absolutely must be able to tell him "no", and then explain why (again)... And then, DON'T have sex with him after you've refused. If he keeps trying, get out of bed. Sleep on the sofa, or tell him to.
You say he continues to behave this way despite what you've told him, but he continues to get what he wants so he doesn't really get it or have an incentive to change.
Stand up to him and stand firm.
If he still isn't listening then it makes him very selfish/ stupid/ lazy, and not worth your time.
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A
female
reader, sammi star +, writes (18 January 2013):
 I know you said you've tried refusing sex but you really need to try harder! If he goes on at you then leave! It's as simple as that. Tell him again that you're not going to stand for his way of initiating sex anymore and that he needs to make you feel special. Make it clear to him that unless he can be bothered to put in the effort to do this for you then he'll be getting nothing. Then you need to stick to your word, show him you mean business. I'm pretty sure a few days, maybe even weeks without sex will soon make him more compliant!
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (18 January 2013):
 Allowing that your B/F is about the same age as you.... I'd chalk this up to the guy not yet growing up enough to "know" that what you have described is very, very juvenile.... and NOT what "adults" do when they seek to initiate intimacy.....
YOU can try to take control of matters....and TELL HIM (point-blank) that what he is doing is not, in any way, romantic..... AND, that it NOT ONLY doesn't get YOU turned on.... but, has the opposite effect of making you feel like the proverbial "piece of meat"... with whom he seems to believe that it's OK to satisfy HIS cravings... while whatever YOU might want is of no import......
YOU can try.... but do this just once, please .... to explain to him how badly he is doing as a "boyfriend" and/or "lover"..... IF he can see what you are telling him, perhaps it's worth it (to you) to give him that proverbial "second chance." IF he fails at that... then just drop him and look to spend other time, in the future, with a more sensitive boyfriend....
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2013): You should refuse sex and stick to it.People who criticize women for with holding sex need to understand its just as bad if not worse for the man to be forcing the woman to give him sex when she doesn't want it. Every time the woman gives in it reinforces the cycle ofbeong unwilling, then being forced, then giving in so he has succeeded in overriding your feelings and boundaries yet again and of course will do it again and over time you will come to hare sex with him but be locked into a cycle of having to do it.In this situation he is the one win holding intimacy and taking away your dignity so you should stop allowing that to happen by refusing to be forced into sex when it's only on his terms.If he would leave you for standing up for yourself, that's good riddance.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2013): If he's coercing and harrassing you into sex that's borderline rape. Think about that and what kind of relationship you are in.
It has nothing to do with how attractive you are. It has all to do with him and his "relationship " to sex or the role sex plays in his mind.
He like many guys apparently see a girlfriend or wife as just a vehicle to getting free sex that they would otherwise have to pay for.
No he isn't into being intimate with you. He is only focused on his needs and requires that you participate in meeting them.
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