A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my boyfriend for 2.5 years. He is extremely close to his best friend (a female). It has always made me uncomfortable but I do NOT think anything is going on between them - I know he doesn't fancy her, and I very much doubt that she fancies him. So I was fine with it. A week ago, whilst at the pub, she grabbed his face and kissed him on the mouth. Apparently this is something that their friendship group does but I've never seen anyone else do it and apparently she hasn't done it for the duration of our relationship, until now. We have had an argument in which i asked him to distance himself from her a little bit for a couple of months, basically while I get over it. It made me feel embarrassed and disrespected in front of all our friends but I understand that my jealousy or embarrassment isn't a good reason for them to not be friends any more, as they have known each other for a long time. He is refusing to distance himself from her - saying he will tell her not to do it again but otherwise continue with what is clearly an uncomfortably close relationship for me. I don't want him to lose her as a friend, but I feel like my feelings should be the priority and he should respect my request that he establish a bit of distance from her for a while. He is just completely refusing. What do I do?!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2019): "I do NOT think anything is going on between them - I know he doesn't fancy her, and I very much doubt that she fancies him."
so what are you trying to gain here? it was an incident where the line was crossed (in jest, you were there after all, it wasn't behind your back) and he said he'd tell her not to do it again. You admit you only want him to do this because you were embarassed. it might be worth just giving yourself a bit of time to get past that instead of making a big fuss about him and his friend when you don't even suspect anything between them.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2019): Both your bf and his female friend crossed the line. Inappropriate behaviour on both counts. It looks like he's happy with the way things are. He is actually a BIG JERK. For allowing her to kiss him ( that behaviour is not acceptable) and not stopping her. And for still being chummy with her, which gives her the impression the door is open to further flirtatious advances which could very well escalate to full on sex. They are both wrong. And don't think for a single second that there is no interest in either party. Because there is. Trusting the situation and accepting the situation is going to eventually get you hurt. You need to find a new male bestie and spend time with him. Maybe hug him extra long or plant a kiss on him in front of your bf. Men need to be jealous or feel threatened before they wake up and change their ways,
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2019): Well, it is apparent that your boyfriend's female bestie is a fixture in his life. You've asked him to put a little distance between them as friends. That's not likely. The time-frame to have dealt with that was when you first became exclusive as a couple. That's when you should have set your boundaries, and made sure she knows her place.
Things went fine this long, and now you want to edge her out. You're long past that window of opportunity, and she has dug-in her heels.
Kissing him on the mouth in-front of everyone was a razz for your benefit. I say this, because women tend to see through each other. She knows you don't like her, and it is likely he has mentioned to her that you have a problem with her. Not that she couldn't figure that out for herself! The kiss was sending a message basically to show you she has access to him, they are close, and you might as well get over it. She's pushing the envelope!
Didn't you indicate in your post you don't think they fancy each other? Then don't let her get under your skin. It was just a catty little nudge to get you going. Playing your jealousy and insecurity against you. She knows your weakness, and now she's messing with you.
I have a rule. I don't date people with exes for besties; or bff's that wedge themselves in-between us. It's a dealbreaker. I don't allow people to purposely make me feel insecure or foolish. I simply leave them both as I found them. With each other, and without me! Rather than play silly little games; that's an insult to my intelligence, and nothing but drama.
I loathe drama!!! I don't/won't compete for anybody. I find that beneath me. I'll just move on. I don't have time for silly games, or trying to make people cater to my insecurities. I won't let my partner feel my friends can wiggle in-between us, and cause fights. I won't stand for it, or subject my romantic-partner to unnecessary BS!
If I was forced to ask my partner to distance his friends, then I'd ask myself why should I have to?
She's now playing a catty little head-game to show you how tight their friendship is. When friends start to cause friction in your relationship, and your partner doesn't feel your concerns versus their concerns takes priority; then it's left-up to you to either accept it, or you can throw in the towel. Chuck the nonsense, and go find yourself a guy with friends who respect the boundaries of your relationship. Without being asked to!
You want to keep the guy. Well, he has established she's his friend and she's not going anywhere. You don't have to accept that; and can flip them the bird and bounce! You don't get to choose his friends.
The kissing incident has now pitted female against female with a man in the middle. He's plays somewhere in the middle, leaning more her way. It's up to you if you want to stick around. They have both shown you where she stands. You're the one not feeling right about it.
Take an extra-strength chill-pill, and let things go on as normal. Otherwise, if you feel their friendship competes with your relationship; opt-out. Find yourself a new boyfriend. A guy without a female-bestie who feels she has equal-rights to your man.
She was there before you. So who's got a problem?
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice  +, writes (8 October 2019):
 So how are you doing at distancing yourself from your Boyfriend. You have to be ready to lose him to win this.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2019): I would be a lot more firm if I were you. What they have is NOT a friendship. She CROSSED a line that many would consider cheating or dangerously close to cheating. I would NEVER tolerate a friendship that involves kissing on the mouth. A female friend who is THAT innapropriate WILL not hesitate to cross other lines and is a very brazen person indeed.NOW your boyfriend can make a choice- your relationship or his relationship with her. I would not stand two seconds for "oh well I'll tell her not to do it again." SHE Has shown that she has no judgement nor respect for your relationship. She is not apt to be a friend to an attached man because she can't respect boundaries. Stand your ground and don't let him make you feel like this is your fault or play the jealousy card. This is not about your jealousy but about demanding respect from your relationship. What if it was kissing with tongue? Or copping a feel? Would those things be okay too? I guess no line really matters in his books....NOT acceptable.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (8 October 2019):
 You either accept his compromise (which I think if a fair one - TO tell her to NOT kiss him on the mouth any more).
OR you decide if you want to be with him.
You contradict yourself a lot. You say they don't have ANY interest in each other outside of friendship, you want them to stay friends BUT you WANT him to distance himself from her.
YOU can't DICTATE his friendships. You CAN say, you know what Joe, I'm uncomfortable with her kissing you on the mouth.
Why does he need to distance himself?
And WHY didn't you just tell her, hey, find someone else to kiss on, this one is mine *with a grin*... You could have made it less awkward if you had used some humor.
If this hasn't happened before and your BF will ensure it won't happen again, I don't SEE the big deal. SHE initiated, not him.
I think you need a chill, HE is with you, not her.
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