A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello! I left my boyfriend a few months months ago. He was a good person and I am sure we could have been together for much longer, even forever. Problem was, he refused to marry me (we'd been together for over 5 years) and after I insisted so much on getting married he said, okay, maybe we can do it, but he wouldn't wear the ring and it wouldn't be any earlier than three years. I couldn't take it anymore, it just made me feel like I wasn't good enough for him to marry me, I felt like I was worthless because he refused to marry me even though we were already living together and he knew it was so important to me. I felt like he was doing me a favour saying we might get married, maybe, in three years. Then, last year my mom was diagnosed with cancer and I knew she would have loved to see me married before passing away. I loved my mom more than I love myself and he knew that. When I told him if we could maybe get married so that she could see me married he said: "I said maybe in 3 years, not now". My mom died and I wasn't married. So, I left him- I felt emotionally abused by his refusal to get married and I walked away because I knew I would have had the "not good enough for marriage" feeling for the rest of my life.Again, he was a good guy... do you think I made the right decision? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2012): I'm sorry that you lost your Mother to cancer. And I'm sorry she did not get to see her daughter married. I believe she is with you right now and proud of you for standing up for yourself. No Mother would want her daughter's heart mistreated like that. When people do love each other. Every DAY is a good day because you are in it TOGETHER. Why would he make you wait 3 years before letting you know how much you really mean to him? He is a " great guy" and yet his putting off marriage to you is a daily reminder of how great you are "not". It takes courage to have left him but you deserve nothing less than love. Love yourself . Be Healthy. Increase your vitality with exercise and doing things you love to do. You are a reflection and extension of your beloved Mother's love now. That is GOOD ENOUGH. Someday you WILL meet a Man who you will love and can love you in return. And you will share a wonderful life. Read the book "He's just not that into you" by Greg Behrendt. It's funny and will make you laugh. And it will also affirm that you did the right thing. And better that you did it now, rather than later, when it could be even more painful. So Congratulations! To you for standing up for yourself and God Bless You
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYAY! Thank you for reassuring me! I've always felt that was the right decision for me, but you know... sometimes it's easier to look back and only see the good parts of a relationship.
To me, no marriage=deal breaker, as simple as that! Thank you everyone and have a nice day! :)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2012): I absolutely think you made the right decision. You don't want to waste your life waiting around for someone who doesn't see you as 'The One'. This is what he was telling you, that you are not enough. Had you stayed, you would have risked a great deal of disappointment. Why is 3 years the magic number for him? In 3 years he could have extended the situation to another 3 years. What he was doing was dragging some 'peace and quiet' out for another 3 years before the pestering would begin again. Honestly, it might have been a good guy...but not the right one for you. You would have been foolish to stay with him. There are 3 billion other male fish in this sea, go out there and enjoy life, get married...have babies with someone that desires that ultimate commitment with you.
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A
female
reader, oldbag  +, writes (18 May 2012):
 Hi
I know people who have lived together for years and not married,nor do they feel the need to. Its all down to personality I guess. If a mans living with you he is committed enough to stay around.
You did the right thing ending it though, he wasn't going to meet your need to get married. You wanted that bit of paper and he was evasive. He didnt make you feel wanted and secure.
You ended it for you, which was right.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (18 May 2012):
 IN that case, OP you made the right decision. You couldn’t take it any more you were unhappy. He did not meet your needs. I’m so sorry you are hurting but in the long run I think you will be stronger for this.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2012): Yes I think you made the right decision if marriage is a deal breaker for you. If he had decided he wanted marriage after a few years of being with you...what a wonderful compliment! But NOT wanting to marry you even though he finds you good enough to live with? Well that says it all really. You made the right decision for you! There is a man out there that would go through hoops to be your husband, wait for him x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo_very-confused: I wanted marriage because I wanted security,like your fiancé, I wanted him to be my legal family- I was faithful to him and loved to bits, but he never made me feel like family, he never made me feel like his wife.
Once we went to dinner to his parents' and I was wearing a ring(a cute little ring I inherited from my granny which I usually wear when I'm a little dressed up) and he said: "You should take off that ring, I wouldn't want my parents to think I gave it to you and we are in any way engaged": I felt so mortified. And this mortification, this feeling of being "not good enough" to be a wife" kept building up over the years until I just couldn't take it anymore.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (18 May 2012):
I think that you want to be married and he does not. IF that was a deal breaker for you then you made the right decision.
What difference would the piece of paper make for you?
If you were already living together... why was the marriage important to you? (it's going to be different for everyone as to why they NEED the marriage)
I know for us we are getting married because my fiance feels the need for the security although I am as committed to him as if we were already married. I also know for us, it gives me the ability to put him on my health insurance and he has inheritance protection if I die before him (highly likely as I am 13 years older than he is)....
so for you, what does that piece of paper change?
and is that change (being married) worth losing "a good guy" over?
personally in my opinion, if you want marriage and he does not, then I too would feel that I was "not good enough" for him. and that's a lousy feeling.
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A
female
reader, Starlights +, writes (18 May 2012):
 If he was a good guy and you two loved each other , then it wasnt a wise decision to take.
However if you felt he made you feel worthless, and didnt take your feelings into consideration without him explaining his reasons then your totally justified walking away.
Marriage is about coorperation and commitment to make even the hard times worth it; maybe he had his reasons for not marrying you at that particular time.
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