A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi there,Before being 'exclusive' with my boyfriend, we were simply texting for a good few months. We'd share kisses and snuggle up with each other etc. We admitted that we really liked each other, but still nothing happened. Roughly two months before we were boyfriend and girlfriend, I realised that I had fallen for him. At around the same time, he got a lap dance. I found out about it, but didn't bring it up, I just blocked it out. Eventually, he asked me out, and all has been great for almost two years now. We don't argue, we're best friends, but this whole 'lap dance' is still in my mind, it hurts and he knows that. He's been great about it, and says that he knew he was going to ask me out at the time, so his friends clubbed to buy it for his last 'blow out'. He said that he felt guilty afterwards, and wouldn't have done it if he knew I was already in love with him. He has told me exactly what it entailed, and swears that he'll never do it again. My point is; he doesn't even think about it, it was before we were going out with each other, and I just want to stop thinking about it, but I don't know how? If a scene comes on television that is linked to lap dancing, I feel sick, and I almost feel like the time when we were seeing each other, meant nothing to him? He says it meant everything, he was just having a laugh. I'm aware that in the UK there is no touching involved in these clubs, and he has sworn to me there was no contact, and I believe him. He said that he went in at last minute, it wasn't a sexual thing, his mates embarrased him, and he was just glad when the whole thing was over. He can't even remember what she looks like. Just to add also, I'm all for single men doing this, and in no way believe that lap dancers are 'whores' etc. It's just their job. Is there anyone who would be able to help me stop thinking about it, or at least deal with it in a better way? He's a totally amazing man, but I guess I was young and naiive. He's apologised, even though I guess he doesn't need to. I just want help, I don't want to keep bringing up his past, as it's unfair, I just want to be able to carry on with my relationship being happy. I'm not exactly a perfect person, but he's accepted me for all that I am.Sorry if I've rambled on, this is the first time I've let it out. Feel free to be as harsh as possible, I could probably do with a reality check haha -- thank you :)
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2012): Hi there....I'm sorry you're struggling with these feelings, I don't think I could give you a wise answer and the two previous posters have done better than I can, but I felt it might be good to know you're not the only one with difficult to put to rest feelings you don't know why you have! Your post rang a bell with me...just after I met my boyfriend (he's quite a bit older than me)the topic came up about lap dancing/strip clubs and he said he'd gone to a strip club on a business trip. At first he said he'd been hauled in by colleagues and come straight out, later he said he'd stayed but was very blurry about the details. Over two years later it still bothers me. I too have tried to put it to rest, but it won't die. I go through phases or thinking he's the best thing, to phases of feeling angry and upset and 'less'. Less than what I'm not sure! I too have felt sick if I've seen something on TV that reminded me....but I think for me it was the sickness I feel when I know I have to get something off my chest...maybe I'm feeling sick at the idea of confrontation;in a highly 'sexualized' society it's difficult to voice misgivings about lap dancing and not feel like a bitter frigid feminist. ( not that I mind being called a feminist, but it has become a derogatory term!)Maybe I'm not so open minded as you, but I think at the heart of it for me (and I know I'm not on trend here and it's going to sound like I'm a prude).. but I'm not sure I'm OK with men going to strip/lap dancing clubs at all, even if they're single. It makes me wonder how they see women...if they wouldn't want their sister/ daughter doing it, why's it Ok for someone else's sister/daughter to do it? Apart from the experience sounding soulless, it seems a bit hypocritical and makes me think the man sees women as Madonnas or whores; there are dirty girls you have fun with and good girls you date (that whole idea in itself seems so Victorian to me!) As for a man having no choice 'because his mates were all doing it' Firstly, nearly every man I've ever heard talking about strip clubs says he was made to! ( Will the one bad ass guy who organised every other bloke's lap dance please own up!)And secondly I suppose I think that if peer pressure is so great that a man will do something he doesn't want to do, then if his mates had been using prostitutes would he have done that too? It just sounds like a lame excuse at best or a weak man at worst () I know I'm being harsh, but I would apply the same standards to myself) Finally...As for being given a send off for a stag do or similar ( e.g. starting to go out with you) personally I think it's an insulting idea that a man has his 'last night of fun'. It makes it sound like a love affair or marriage is an imprisonment! So I haven't given you an answer. I don't think there is one. I just think you should really try to understand what is at the heart of this for you, and not necessarily think you are an insecure woman who can't bear the 'competition' One poster said the girls are often plain, but that's just not always true, some girls are stunning and many are at least pretty -(I'm just being truthful here.)but plain or beautiful might not really be the issue for you. It might be that you find lap dancing 'wrong' in the broader sense. That said, if you truly, really truly, are OK with men (other than your man that is) having lap dances etc, then yes, maybe the problem is simple jealousy. If that is so, insecurity might be the root, but I would look to yourself to improve that, rather than reassurances from him, simply because the self confidence found from within is always stronger than that from the outside.You know the drill for improving confidence; learn a language or skill, travel, learn. Good luck.
A
female
reader, Candid Cally  +, writes (7 August 2012):
At the time he received his lap dance (which embarrassed him then and continues to embarrass him two years later) he was a SINGLE man because you were not officially together in a relationship.
Why does it bother you two years later if you believe it is okay for a single man to have a lap dance? You realize that if he was the kind of guy who enjoyed this sort of thing he would not have been embarrassed by the lap dance, he definitely would not have apologized to you, and he would not have the patience and understanding with you bringing this up even two years later.
The truth is, he was out with the guys. He didn't have a choice. It is a 'bro code' sort of thing. If he didn't go through with receiving the lap dance, they would make him miserable especially since it was basically their last chance to inflict the embarrassing lap dance on him because they knew he was going to ask you out.
I think you have glamorized lap dances. Most of the girls are average plain looking women who wiggle around for money. In parts of the US, lap dancers can touch and grind all over the recipient of the dance. I seriously doubt your boyfriend enjoyed having a scantily clad, probably sweaty, plain looking girl, caked in makeup, probably reeking of cigarettes lap dancer anywhere in his personal space. If he liked that type of girl, he'd be dating her, but he isn't...he loves you.
Finally, are you insecure? If you ate, this may have something to do with why lap dances upset you. You have glamorized these dancers based on what you have seen on tv and in the movies. Just a suggestion: maybe you could learn how to give a proper sensual lapdance to your boyfriend (if you think both you and he would be comfortable with this)? Coming from you, it would likely be something special to him. It could also help you get over your insecurity so you can watch tv without being triggered by lapdancing scenes.
Best of luck!
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A
female
reader, MissTellAll +, writes (7 August 2012):
 In general I think women should realize that lap dances and strip clubs in general should not be taken seriously as a threat to them.
Men do not go to strip clubs to find a girlfriend, they go there for a laugh and a drink with their friends.
Off of my general opinions on strip clubs, I think that you show signs of some serious trust issues. You feel threatened because you think this indicates that time before you were dating that meant so much to you meant nothing to him- this is not necessarily true. It doesn't seem to be true since he apologized and feels guilt for what he did and was completely honest with you about the situation. It has been two years, sweetie, let it GO. If you meant nothing to him he wouldn't waste time on you.
Maybe so you no longer feel sick at the thought of lap dances, you could surprise him by taking a few classes or watching some videos teaching you to do one. Then you would take back the act that drives you insane and turn it into something fun and sexy you two can do together!
Overall, just stop thinking about it and focus on the relationship you two have now. That is the best advice I can give you.
I hope this helped and good luck.
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