A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I received a text saying that my bf was being thrashed by his ex playing crazy golf yesterday and just off to dinner with her and his sons. I knew he was taking his son out for his birthday but he forgot to mention he was taking her too. We have been seeing each other for two months. Two days ago she popped in for a coffee with him with the children unannounced and he said she was at the door. I feel as if my bubble has burst. Not only did I suddenly feel immediately excluded but as if he thought nothing of even mentionong it. I am a mum too of children the same age and single 18 months also. I would not take my children out with my ex and play happy families. It confuses the children. We are amicable. I would not rub my bf nose in it either
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (5 September 2015):
 I have to agree with Cindy and WiseOwlE as well.
Firstly, you have only been dating 2 months. So including you may just a e little too soon, even if his kids aren't little he might want to see how well YOU and HE get along before introducing you to the kids and ex-wife.
He should however have explained that he DOES to things with his "kids" and ex-wife. It doesn't confuse the kids that their parents get along even if they are no linger together. I think it's actually healthy for the kids to see. Because it showed a UNITED front for the kids. That despite the parents can't make it work they ARE about the kids.
Not saying that "ex"-couples should ALWAYS do this, just saying when they can do it, I think it benefits the kids.
Not everyone does like YOU and YOUR ex did. (though most prefer no contact after the break up except for things about the kids) You just can't expect him to think, act and DO what YOU feel is the "norm", just like HE can't expect that from you. THIS is how he deal with his ex and his kids. So you can either ADJUST to it or ... walk away.
But I would say 2 months into a brand new relationship I think it's a BIT early for "demands". You could tell him that you felt he should have told you that this was a "family" outing and that it made you feel excluded.
If I was just starting to date someone I would NOT take them out on family things until I saw that there was a future with that that person, so (because I have kids) it would be 6-12 down the line. I would tell my kid that I was seeing someone, but he wouldn't become part of THEIR lives till I felt there was a good chance that he was staying around and that I WANTED him around my kids.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2015): Cindycares is absolutely right. Some people get along in spite of the differences that separated them.
They share two children, and they behave decently in front of them. He doesn't seem to be hiding anything; but mostly he is getting the kids adjusted to the fact that he can still be their father, and see women other than their mother. If they are small, you have to bring these things on them slowly, and with deliberate consideration for their feelings. Their fear is you could take him from them. They don't know any better. If they see you're in the picture, and everything stays the same; they adjust more quickly.
Whether you get along with your ex or not, doesn't necessarily reflect on his relationship with his ex and kids.
Any boundaries you feel necessary to set, set them now or forever hold your peace. You're two months in, and really you're in the probationary period of a relationship. His life is as it was before you met. Now you've been added and nothing that was an important part of his life has been subtracted.
You have a right to let him know what you're uncomfortable with. Going on outings with his family minus you isn't really fair. He should let you know, and be considerate enough to offer you and yours to come along. He may assume that might be awkward for you. It seems apparent from your post that it might be. Would it be uncomfortable, if you did come along? If you would, what's the point of asking?
You can offer that suggestion you know? Unless you want him to just forget everyone else, and concentrate on you and your kids?
Take this in consideration. Most guys don't prefer to date women with ready-made families. He's an exception to the rule. So make a few adjustments, have a talk and get a few things out on the table before getting yourself more deeply attached. Then deciding to take it upon yourself to create issues about him and his kids. He has to be nice to her in order to see them frequently; and he wants to be on good terms. It's usually harder on the dad, if the mother has primary custody of the children. So he has to make some adjustments that will appease her, and he will have more time with them. He also has to ease the fact he is seeing someone else on her; because she could get a little spiteful and use his kids as a pawn. But he can't cater to her, or she will be manipulative; and destroy all his relationships. That's why you need to talk.
If you see any signs of a romantic connection between them; the option remains to get out of it altogether.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (5 September 2015):
 I can see how you could be annoyed or wary, but I think that it may be all very simple and aboveboard . That you would not choose to entertain your ex husband socially or to be cordial with him, it's your legitimate choice, but some people do make different choices without it having to mean that they still want their ex or that they can't let go of the past or that they want to play happy family. That two people, who do not work well as spouses or lovers , may still be in good terms enough to share a meal once in a while, I do not find it that strange. In fact, it generally happens when it's all over and done, past resentment and anger and bitterness, the post -War of the Roses phase when you have really moved on .
A friend of mine , divorced since forever, always spent her summer vacations ( same hotel, different rooms ) with her ex husband and their kid, until thos was old enough to go travelling on his own , as per the kid's request. Who did not even particulatly want to play happy family ,or to pretend all was wonderful. Quite simply, vacation period was one and the parents were two, and since luckily this kid was very close and very attached to both, he did not see why halving his time with either parent if he could have them both around.
Similarly, your bf was not exactly taking out his ex wife out to dinner to celebrate his boy's birthday - he was taking out the boy's mother, if you know what I mean. This kid's birthday is equally important to both of them, why making it complicated with two different celebrations, two different outings, two different birthday cakes ( well, thinking of it, maybe the kid would not have complained about THAT :) when he can celebrate his birthday with the TWO people who count nore in the world to him- if these two people are reasonable and relaxed around each other.
Said that... you are not obliged to see it this way and to make yourself like it if you don't, maybe you come from a different vision and a different set of values. Of which you could and should inform your bf, I'd say. Spit it out . Tell him : you know, I don't feel good about this situation because of X reason ( it makes you feel excluded from his life ?, it makes you feel second best to his ex wife ?,it gives you doubts about his committment ?... whatever it's you have a problem with.
Although I would not quote " it confuses children " because , beside being just a personal opinion and not a scientific fact ,... anyway that would not be your business to begin with : it's HIS kid, if he wants to " confuse " him- he can do as he please. Really, do not suggest him how ro raise his child, or do not try to impose yoir educational ideas, as sound as they may be, on a guy after just two months of dating !- he won't thank you for it ).
I don't think this subject should be a taboo - if you are not going to not bring it up the wrong all accusatory and confrontational. That's just some kink that you could and should iron out. Probably you can find a compromise , a middle course between " ex is totally history " and " ex is underfoot all the time ". He can see where you are coming from, then say and do what's needed to reassure you . And / or explain you his point of view and why he is choosing to act this way -and this may perhaps change your perspective.. You can work it out :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2015): It sounds like their still together-my ex turned out to be married even though him and his wife had never lived together-he even had his own council flat and everything. She knew about me and was cool with him having other women-I even met the kids, who knew I was their dad's girlfriend and the wife once when he went to get his sons-she stood there chatting to me like she was his ex! Very weird set up. I think he wanted some sort of unofficial polygamy. There are plenty of weird people about though and it doesn't sound normal to take your ex out to dinner or spend the day with her-I mean if they are such great buddies then why split up in the first place?
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (5 September 2015):
 Are you sure that its REALLY over? Because if like you they are recently separated, maybe they aren't quite separated. 18 months is still relatively recent. Sorry I'm a bit confused,when you say she popped in with the kids do you mean his place while you were there or do you guys live together and some clarification as to him thinking nothing of mentioning it? If she had just rocked up unannounced it would be unreasonable to expect he he could mention anything prior. Ex's don't always need to be enemies and I guess depending on the reasons for separating can sometimes be great at co parenting but lousy lovers. Some people still love but not in love and amicably go their separate ways. Warring parents is far more confusing to children than perhaps a softer approach that sometimes parents just get along better living apart than together but still love each other but in a different way. Thing is, two months into your relationship puts you in a situation of either being told your interfering and none of your business, that you are insecure or have him wonder if this is going to be an issue he rather not deal with and show you the door. In addition two months into the relationship is too short of a time to be having you introduced as the children's newly replaced mother figure. So you really do need to tread very careful and choose your words wisely. You could suggest you understand the importance of showing a united front when it comes to parenting however you are a bit concerned when it comes to how many people will be in the relationship- Ie You, him and her and what your role is now and will be should the relationship continue. It's early days yes but like him you have your children to take into consideration when it comes to whom it is you choose to be involved with and surrounding circumstance.
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