A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:We have been together eight months. I am 22, and he is 21. We were at a party last night. Parties are not my thing at all, but I went so that we could spend time together, as we are both very busy with school during the week. I thought we were both having fun. We had just finished playing beer pong (which also is not my thing, personally, but he likes it), and I noticed once we lost that he did not make a single cup. At this point we were both pretty buzzed, and I mentioned (though nobody was even listening at this point) that my boyfriend should be trolled (forced to sit under the table or something silly like that), as I had just found out the rules of the game. My boyfriend seemed angry when I said that, and he told me to shut up. Then, lightly, he slapped me across the face. It did not hurt me physically, but it definitely hurt my feelings. When I said that, he said that I should shut up then, and he said he barely slapped me, and to demonstrate he again slapped me lightly across the face. I excused myself to use the bathroom and was so upset that I just left.Later last night (around 3 in the morning, actually), he came over my house and asked why I was so upset. I told him that he had no right to disrespect me like that. And he denied slapping me. He said it was a joke and that he did not really hit me. And then he mentioned the time that, during the first month we started hanging out, we were wrestling in my room and I playfully slapped him. He told me how much that bothered him that night, and I apologized and never did it again. But for some reason he used that night seven months ago to justify last night's behavior. Anyways, he apologized, but he still says he hardly hit me. That makes me think he is not actually sorry.Am I just making this into a big deal? He has never acted out of anger like that before. He says he was joking, but I know I would not have left without my bag or anything if it felt like a joke. Call me old-fashioned, but being told by your boyfriend to shut up a few times and slapped twice is very disrespectful. But is it worth ending a relationship? Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, candygurl +, writes (26 September 2010):
if u embrassed him in public he had no right to do it back to you. People do things they don't mean but if they do it out of anger or embrassment or because they were drinking don't excuse them. You say it was playfully and didn't hurt but it did really hurt, it hurted ur feelings. There are two types of abuse physically and emotional and you experience the emotional part of it. If he's willing to embrassed you like that he will do it again its up to you if you wanna deal wit that n I'm talking bout personal experience
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (26 September 2010):
 I'd put it on hold for a bit, personally. Obviously, beer and he don't make a good combination, if he's willing to slap you twice and basically humiliate you in front of people. If he can't remember doing it, that's actually really bad, this indicates he has a problem with alcohol and if he's willing to become physical and humiliate you under the influence, um, well, that's not a propitious start to a relationship.
If he likes to drink and party and you don't, this is going to be an on-going issue for you, too, so don't forget that you may have some fundamental incompatibilities that this slap incident is only distracting you from analyzing.
I personally would take a break from the relationship and have some thorough discussions about alcohol, partying, respect, what you each think is respectful and what is not. Obviously, few people are exactly on the same page about these things, but you should at least be in the same book.
There's a long article about warning signs you are dating a loser that I think you should read and just familiarize yourself with some of the potential problems. Let us know if he has exhibited any other behaviors that might be troubling to you.
http://www.mental-health-matters.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=171 (you'll have to copy/paste that url as the '?' interrupts the link)
As far as you playfully slapping him during a wrestling match, was it in private and were you doing it with the intent of humiliating or demeaning him? Did you apologize and work it out at the time, did you even know he was upset about it? Are you quite certain you didn't go too far as well?
Sorry you are having difficulties, but I have to say I am concerned for you and this guy, if he cannot see or remember how his behavior might affect you.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2010): But I don't even understand why it offended him so much. Maybe it's just because I am not into beer pong, but I thought it was just a rule? I did not make any cups last weekend and he mentioned I should be trolled. How did it hurt his pride?
...............................
A
female
reader, natasia  +, writes (26 September 2010):
 No, in my opinion, it isn't. As you said yourself, it didn't hurt you physically - so it must have been very very light, as it is easy to hurt someone with even a mild slap on the face. But it hurt your feelings. OK. You hurt his by an insensitive comment, or by a comment that was just a joke but he took seriously because he'd had a few drinks and is a guy and it hurt his pride. He did something stupid to try to reassert himself.
It was, to my mind, a silly drunken storm in a tea cup. I think you have established for him that telling you to shut up and even mock slapping you is not on, and he has agreed. I would personally not throw away a relationship over this. I would simply put it down to experience, both now understanding what isn't OK, and I would also be careful not to put him down in public - I know you were joking, but men are generally extremely sensitive about that kind of thing.
Relationships are about give and take, and respect, yes, but also about perspective, and making a judgement sometimes. I know you feel you did nothing wrong - and you didn't, really, but you did just upset him in a way that made him overreact. Be v careful about male pride, especially when it comes to competitions, and in public!! So I think you should bear this in mind when you think about his reaction. For him, that was, at that moment, pretty strong provocation. I know that my man would not be able to cope with that type of joke at all. I am not saying that is a good thing about him, but then I am also unreasonable and difficult sometimes, and he also has to get on with that.
So, I think it is something you need to be aware of, and that he didn't mean to disrespect you.
If, however, anything like this happens again, then it would be a habit rather than a one-off, and that would be more serious. At the moment this is a one-off, so treat it as such.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2010): Why do some blokes think that they have the right to hit people? I think you should say clearly, "Maybe you didn't mean anything by it, but I've heard that this is how domestic violence starts off. I really don't want it to happen again, or I'm off"
...............................
|
