A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend [24M] of 6 years decided to throw a week long New Years party with all our mutual friends (roughly about 20 people) at his parents holiday home, which is couple of hours drive away, while I [23F] stay back and study for finals for grad school and I don't know how I feel about it.Firstly he knew about my finals prior to planning this getaway and I wasn't happy with it because it meant I wouldn't be able to skip 5 days of studying and go with. Its a couple of hours drive so driving there and back on New years eve is not feasible.Secondly I couldn't voice my opinion or make a big deal out of it because he had already spoken to everyone about it before telling me. his mom (who I always feel like I'm competing with) had graciously helped him plan everything. I didn't want to be that girlfriend that spoils his and everyone else's fun just because I have to study.It's bugging me because I feel like if he didn't plan this getaway I would have still been able to take a few hours off and spend New Years with him and our mutual friends. He organized this getaway knowing good and well it's my final year exams and right now it feels like having a good time is more of a priority than me. Am I being selfish right now or is this a red flag? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (5 January 2018):
 You cannot help how you feel I understand that. But hey new year is over with now and does it still matter? He wants to party just like a lot off people in their twenties do, and well you need to study so therefore it seems like the logical thing to do is to head away until you have more time to hang out with him. Him and all off his friends cannot put there plans on hold just because you have exams. I hope they go well for you. No this is not a red flag it is quite normal, even though you are in a relationship it doesn't mean he cannot do things separate with his friends.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2018): I don't think you are overreacting. It would certainly be nice if he would be satisfied with a lowkey night off for New Year's with you, and then maybe he could spend a day or two at his cottage with his friends afterwards, not a 5 day party with mutual friends-- that honestly does seem very inconsiderate. I would be hurt and upset as you are. Honestly I think this relationship isn't going to go anywhere. I say this from being in relationships like this where the man wasn't around for the "down" times...now with a guy who will sit by my side for nights in if that's all I can do...you will find someone who isn't all about having fun with or without you. I think this is a red flag of more similar issues to come. You can't raise a family with someone who buggers off when life isn't just a big party.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2018): You have every right to feel your feelings.Do not let anyone tell you different.The red flag I see is his mom.His mom helped him plan a party at their extra home.As a parent of twenty somethings that is not very smart.Things like this can get out of hand so easy.And you feel that you are competing with her.That is no good.Those kind of relationships never work out with a married Mama's boy and interfering mother in law's.Stay in school...pass those finals. Then in the new year find a man who is not tied to his mommys apron strings and can plan things without mommy help.And I just know there is a man out their who would love to put you first and does not need mommy no more because he is a grown up.Never date mama boys.
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A
female
reader, holeymoley  +, writes (31 December 2017):
 Personally, if I had to study for my exams I'd be grateful everyone just buggered off so I could do it in peace with any interruptions. Also I would want for my partner to enjoy having some fun with friends, not be bored silly just because I was unavailable. But thats me. I cant really see that he has done anything wrong.
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A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (31 December 2017):
 I agree with the others, nothing wrong here.
It's not your BFs fault that your study time falls over new year. Sounds like he's hosting a great party for his friends and I really don't think he should have to feel guilty because you can't make it. Why not just go down for the last day? Or celebrate another day just you and him?
I really don't think he's specifically booked it in because you can't make it.
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A
male
reader, Allumeuse +, writes (31 December 2017):
No it is not a red flag. Him doing something he wants to do. You can't do it because you have your eye, not on short term fun but on longterm achievement is the definition of the sacrifice you need to get ahead. It's one night in probably quite a few disappointing NY celebrations in your life.
He could turn it round and say that you want everyone to compromise on a good party do that you can study. That seems even less fair.
Doing something that causes you to miss a party is never a red flag. I'd try and reserve that term for really serious transgressions of the being a proper human being code. Good luck in your exams.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (31 December 2017):
 I get you. It does seem like he rather have some fancy week long party than spend New Years with you. But, YOU are going to be busy studying so LET him go have that week of fun.
It's not like you two can't celebrate AFTER your finals.
And I don't think HE should be held back socially because it doesn't always fit YOUR plans.
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A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate +, writes (31 December 2017):
He is supposed to put life on hold? It is the New Year. When is he supposed to do a New Year Party. Your decision to study for exams is your choice. So you can’t get away for the entire five days. Take one or two.
And you can voice your opinion now. It is what adults do.
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