A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:When I was barely 17, I fell into the trap of an older and more experienced man (Adam), thinking what we had was love. I was young and naive and was fooled by his compliments. No guy had ever taken interest in me before, so I was easily blinded by his charms. At first he would message me every morning, but over time the communication reduced tremendously. I felt as though it was my fault that we couldn't establish a connection. Considering he was older, I thought that the only way to impress him was physically. Long story short, I sent him certain revealing photos and within a week, our communication stopped completely. After about month, one of his friends messaged me, telling me that Adam had been spreading gossip about how easy I was and everything that I had sent. While many of you may judge me for being so stupid, I wasn't thinking logically at the time. Even though I saw the signs, I thought I loved him, so I automatically looked at his positive side. I had never kissed a guy before and I was eager to have that fantasy hollywood love story. Long story short, after hearing what his friend had told me, I shared my side of the story. According to his friend (Richard), Adam had also taken screenshots using another phone which intensified my anxiety. Richard reassured me that everything would be fine. He kindly spoke to Adam and told him to stop spreading gossip about me and made him delete the photos. After that everything was over. Adam had taken back his words and told everyone that he had made it all up. While I didn't want to get close to any guy, I felt as though I owed Richard. He was the only person protecting me from Adam, in case he decided to change his mind. So over the next few months, Richard and I became close friends. He gave me advice on how I should respect myself and my body, and not let men use me in that way. He boosted my confidence and I felt more mature as an individual. Not long after we became friends, he told me he loved me, but I told him I didnt feel the same way and I needed time. After around three months, we decided to meet in person which is when I had my first kiss. After that point we began dating. While this may seem like a happy ending, it definitely is not. Richard and I began to speak for hours in a day (probably over 6). We were very close and I loved him. It is important to note that both our families come from traditional cultures. One day I was joking around with him about whether he was secretly married to another woman (it was literally a random joke). At that point he confessed that his family had forced him into an arranged marriage at a young age, but he was filing for a divorce and was just waiting to get the paper work signed (he was 21 years old at the time and married at 18). I tried to persuade him to work things out with her, but he told me that their marriage was already over. He told me she was controlling and would hit herself with glass jars in an attempt to blame him and make him look bad (she did other stuff too). He told me being married to his cousin was like being married to his sister, because they had grown up together. At first I was mad, but since there was nothing between them and they had basically separated, we got back together.While this story may be going at a fast pace, the next few months felt like forever. We shared many beautiful moments together. After 10 months of being in a relationship he told me that he had kept something from me. He said that if he had told me, I would have left him. He told me he had a one year old son with her. I could feel pain in my gut, as though somebody had punched me hard in the stomach. He promised me he hadn't had any physical intercourse with her in over a year and he only had the kid in an attempt to solve their maritial issues, long before we met. He told me that he was still ending it with her. He apologized and promised me that it was the last secret that he was keeping from me. We took some time off but eventually got back together because it seemed like he was serious about me. He told me there was nothing between him and the mother, and that we would marry once everything was over. The problem with the divorce is that the girl is his cousin and his family don't want to ruin family bonds. They consider divorce as culturally unacceptable. This is why it took Richard so long to finalize the divorce. Richard and I made plans to marry. We planned our entire future together. I trusted him with everything. So even though the circumstances were hard, I stayed with him. While many of you may be wondering why I would stay with him after everything, the thing is I have nobody else. He's the only friend I have. After my encounter with Adam, I completely stopped trusting people. I'm attached to him. Also, while some of you may consider me a homewrecker, I didn't know he was married and he kept covering up his tracks. He nullified the entire situation and made it seem like it meant nothing to him and it was already over between them before we even met. I recieved the final stab in the back this morning, through a text message. Just today my boyfriend of two years (Richard) revealed to me that he never stopped having sex with his wife. The last time they slept together was 2 days ago!!! I am heartbroken. His excuse was that he's a guy and he gets horny sometimes. The thing is I trusted him with every bone in my body. I know he loves me but his betrayal has ruined everything. In his mind, the divorce would have been impossible to carry out, so he just continued his physical relationship with her. He told me he's willing to take me as a second wife but I really can't trust him anymore. I feel like the two years has been a lie. I asked him so many times to end it with me and get back with her. I gave him advice on how to save his marriage. He always told me that it was too late to fix. The worst thing is that he doesn't even feel guilty. He tells me that they're married and that they can have sex if they want to. I'm not mad about that, I'm mad that he dragged me through the dirt this entire time. He lied to me this whole time. 2 YEARS! I know that this time I have to end it, but I don't know how to emotionally prepare myself for that. I have nobody else. After breaking up, I always find myself going back to him because I have nothing else in my life. He was my first love, my first everything. I'm still young and inexperienced. I don't know how to deal with heartbreak. I don't know if I'm wrong or if he's wrong. He's not a player boy. He's not a bad person. He was perfect the entire time..which is why this is such a big shock to me. Please help me. What do I do? I am desperate..and please try not to be mean. I am on the verge of hurting myself. I am really sensitive and I feel destroyed.
View related questions:
cheated on me, confidence, cousin, divorce, got back together, heartbroken, his ex, horny, player, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (27 October 2015):
Heartbreak comes to us in many shapes and forms. It is a difficult part of life. I understand your circumstances are complicated but there are things you have to accept.
Firstly, you need to accept that this man was not committed to you. He told you that he was married early on, and you should have walked away. He took advantage of you and you can see this now because he is basically having his cake and eat it too.
Secondly, you need to accept that you lost yourself. When you give to your partner you must not lose yourself in the process. You gave blindly and would have ignored any red flags otherwise presented to you. Regain your hobbies, friends and anything that your put to the side. These things allow others to see value and helps in preventing others from taking for granted.
Thirdly, accept the truth. Do not make excuses for him. End it and free yourself. You have lived this lie long enough. You deserve better. You are obviously well spoken and very self aware. Sometimes, ignorance is a bliss. But you have to realize that doing the right thing and hardest thing goes hand in hand.
It doesn't matter what culture you are from, these things happen in all shapes and forms all over the world. It takes great pain to make us strong. While you may have learned these things sooner than the average person I hope you can come to realize that now you need time to heal. You need time to focus on you. I am glad you are on the right path of letting us know your story. You must have a heavy heart writing it but I am also sure you felt a great relief as well. You've entered a great community and a lot of people will offer their best advise and ear to get through it all. We are willing so I hope you are too.
A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (26 October 2015):
 Sweetie you need to STOP for just a moment and accept that both of these men are bad men. Good men don't lie, cheat, manipulate and exploit vulnerable young ladies. They have acted disgraceful. Heartache is difficult for anyone to have to deal with, it's not age or experience discriminative. It just hurts-plain and simple. There are stages that you will go through- shock, hurt, anger, reasoning, at times depression. Unfortunately it is just a natural process in order to get through to the other side, which you will, of ' OMG...what a jerk,I'm so much better of without him' kind of thinking. There are better ways for dealing with emotional pain than harming yourself. Self sabotage is not the answer. Try healthier options like talking to a councillor in person or via phone, friends, get physical, meditate, yoga, walking, running,eat well- talk your self into knowing that you are going to get through it. It just takes a bit of time and self love.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2015): ok before you go crazy and do any damage to yourself you have to first admit that you have a gift for writing.The problem aside this is the best bit of written english i have seen for a while so may i, on a purely commercial basis, suggest you start writing for a living or at least for a second income and finally as an outlet for yourself which maybe useful for when you start doing novels and character expansion.What a wealth of experience you have for such a young person!But as to the emotional side of your problemi will giveyou myvery brief analysis.It is not uncommon for the husband to keep having sex with the wife, despite everything he tells you.I doubt if the divorce was anything more than an excuse in his head and husbands usually justify extramarital sex by saying and believing that they are better to their wives,in bed ,around the house and with the kids.Chances are that wifey has no idea that you have ever been his girlfriend/mistress.Now culturally in Africa and muslimcountries it is acceptable to have more than one wife providing that the male head of the household can support the family.In Uk most houses are too small because most of these polygamous families would have had a compound where a new room or way back inthe day a separate hut wouldve been built on.The whole of these societies were in accordance with this and things ticked on very nicely.Now that cultures have mixed and diversified it is less clear what the expectations are.Richard may well want you for his second wife, especially as you share a similar culture.His wife quite possibly wouldnt.However, although it may seem that Richard is skipping through cultural rules rather loosely, then so are you.You have actually been made an offer of marriage and acceptance into his family home.Think about it and look in the mirror and say to yourself "I have just been given a marriage proposal..to become second wife to the man i love!So no more heartache!"I mean how much more can you ask to be accepted and formalised!So although Richard has been leading you up the garden path a bit, you can see why.He wanted you in his arms and in his bed.You wanted the same.Now you must decide if you want to leave it as a dalliance, an affair, or a fure menage a trois, albeit in separate households.As you are so young with so many opportunuities ahead of you, then i think you should turn his marriage proposal down and tell him"Richard I have loved you with heart and soul but our marriage and future relationsgip is not to be and i have decided to move my life forward in a different way but you will always be located in a special place in myheart!I think Richard and his wife and child may be secretly relievd but maybe occassionally they would wish you were there to help out with the children or bring a second income in, but all things consideted i think they would be prepared to let you go.
...............................
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (26 October 2015):
 Richard is a player and a bad person. He's lying to you and to his wife for two years. He's even worse off than Adam, the one he's trying to protect you from. This is the US, not India. No one would be that stupid to agree to an arranged marriage then have kids to entrap themselves further. The worse combination of a person is one who uses tradition to justify what they are doing and also being untraditional such as having affairs, lying at the same time.
Even if you are isolated and don't socialize easily, it doesn't mean your only choices in men are married men or old creepy men. You can create your own circle of friends, and create hobbies to find fulfillment and meaning in your life. If you don't find men to be your only refuge, you won't be easy targets for predatory men like Richard and Adam.
I know your whole mind is occupied with thoughts of him. These days you would be analyzing everything and it's a drawn out process. It's really simple, find some time to heal then find someone else. With easy access to technology, it's not hard to find another one.
...............................
|
