A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi Really in need of some straight forward advice!Been in a relationship with an older man (he is 14 years older) for 8 years now. We have a love for each other but it's far from what I need. We see each other once or twice a week and there is no passion at all or romance at all. We still don't live together and he keeps avoiding commitment or meaningful talk of a future. It's really hard for me because I feel a loyalty and a love for this man and I know he cares about me a lot but I'm really affectionate and a tactile person and he is not. He very rarely compliments me or does any romantic. He knows that I long to feel desired and needed and secure and he does nothing to make me feel anything like that. In fact it's boring most of the time. After all these years I've realised we have very little in common and don't share any life views - things like religion, morals, wanting kids etc and it's got to the point I'm sacred to say thing in case it starts a row. Towards the end of last year I put it to him that I needed more from the relationship and basically twisted his arm into proposing. I have the ring now but a year later I have to admit that nothing else has changed. I feel like I'm wasting my life wishing he is a man he just isn't. I really do love him. There is a lot to be said for familiarity and having someone know you so well. But it's breaking my heart and destroying my confidence. I fee I'm not worth loving maybe. Or maybe I'm just being ungrateful for he love he does have for me??I don't know what to do and the longer this goes on the harder it is to think straight. He is so set in his ways in life I just don't know what he wants from me. He says he wants to build a life with me and that he loves me but he is 43 now and still living alone in his house. He says he's not ready to live with me and he's not sure if he wants children (I do) I don't have many friends and am so scared of being on my own. I feel so trapped in this passionless relationship.
View related questions:
confidence, older man, trapped, want children Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (26 October 2015):
 I agree with SVC
This isn't love, this is "we have been together for so long what if I can't find better"....
HE didn't really propose - he gave you a ring in an attempt to keep you around. But no date is set and you are still (after 8! years) not living together.
I wouldn't say you HAVE wasted your time with him, BUT if you want kids, marriage etc - HE isn't IT. And IF you decide to stay with him, YOU might as well give up any notion of kids, marriage and growing old together in the same house.
HE is happy with status quo. He got his pretty young GF that he sees twice a week - the other 5, he has to himself. If I guess right, he would be happy to continue THAT lifestyle for the rest of his!
You'd KNOW after 2-4 years (sometimes shorter) if you WANT to BE with your partner or not. If you want KIDS with that partner or not. And YOU know he doesn't, but I think for now you are taking the "easy" way out and stay with him. Because you feel like you have "invested"8 years in him so you OWE to make it work. The thing is, you can't change this guy. So will you CHANGE yourself to suit HIS needs? Or will you give back the ring, let him go and FIND someone who you share more in common with, who wants the same things?
It's your life. Your choice.
My guess is, you REALLY do know what to do, you are just "scared" to take the jump.
Personally, I'd rather be single than be in a dead end relationship with a partner I care about, but don't really share a lot with. Been there, done that - glad I left.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (26 October 2015):
 You are now wasting your time with this man... if after 8 years he's not ready to commit to a life with you it's NOT going to happen.
You need to bite the bullet and end the relationship.
this is not love. this is "it's easier than getting out"
you are too young to live like this...
you are not going to be happy if you stay with him. You can't change him... you should not settle this much.
this is not compromise this is ignoring your inner voice that's screaming... GET OUT NOW....
...............................
A
male
reader, Garbo +, writes (26 October 2015):
 You've put forth so many negatives that your question answers by itself: but of course you leave him.
Perhaps you have been torn as to how, have been putting it away, hoping future would have a different outcome all by itself, without you moving the pieces because, let's face it, emoting pieces is uncomfortable and unpredictable because you don't know what's lurking out there.
It isn't the age difference here that's the culprit but what that age predicates on people. You hooked up when he was 35, and you were 21, based on my calculations, but it does not take 8 years to decide that you want to be with a person forever. You may have thought one set of things at 21, but by 29, I know that changes. I think that your post says that you are your own woman, you know what you want and that you are not getting that.
So, there is no slow, gradual break up in your situation. You have to wake up one day and be strong to go cold turkey on him: no contact, ever, no convo, no him, no nothing.
And don't worry what you will do without him. You will live, you will mingle some alone, then find friends, but in no time you'll have a grip on yourself and find a man that will meet at least some of your aspirations: to have kids, to be exciting more, meet you on religion...
People get stuck on their ways so I see how you are reprehensible in coming out of your shell which you know is leading you nowhere. But you just gotta let go... He may have hang ups but you don't. You want all this stuff that he doesn't. Let go of him and go get what you want. It's your life and he does not own you.
This guy is not part of your happiness so just let go of him and get your happiness.
...............................
A
male
reader, Been there Now over it +, writes (26 October 2015):
Being alone can be a lot better than being in a bad relationship. I would not give him an ultimatum but tell him you want out. If that's too drastic, you can tell him you want to be alone and think things over, that you want a passionate relationship and a family. It's easy to stay with this guy but he is going in a much different direction than you. Do not compromise in your choice of a lifetime partner. As you said, he is stuck in his ways and it sounds like you don't mean that much to him. If you leave, perhaps he will come back, but don't expect him to change.
...............................
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (26 October 2015):
 Twisting his arm to propose is not exactly romantic. A marriage isn't just about a grand wedding, that one day. It's your whole life of interaction. If boring is what he is now, imagine if he has kids and he wants nothing to do with them. Kids need parents who feel passion for their growth. Do you know one of the wrong reasons to get married is afraid of being alone and wanting kids? It's not that you are not worthy of commitment and love. It's that he's not capable of offering such things and he's doing you a favour by being honest, himself.
You are different things. Not every relationship has to progress into marriage and family. Some stop at just dating forever and it only works out if both people are okay with having that much space in their lives. Age is also an issue. I know there are energetic 40 year olds who still act like 25. The majority is numbed by years of working full time. Maybe you got with him because he is secure. I think you are happier if you get passion in life too. You are still young enough to start over. You are trapped, so don't trap yourself anymore with signing the marriage certificate too.
...............................
|
