A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my boyfriend for 6 years now and we have a three year old and one year old together. As time goes on he has become more and more controlling, and i have just found private messages to ex girlfriends, and other girls, asking for sexual favours and pictures. We had quite an open relationship and were exploring swinging so I don't understand why he has done this behind my back? he has cheated in the past very early on and I forgave him as like I say we had quite an open relationship.I know he has done wrong, but I still can't seem to want to leave as I don't want to split the family up. I have had enough of his controlling behaviour and these messages were just the nail in the coffin so to speak. But where do I go from here, can I get him to see sense or should I just cut my losses? Please help!
View related questions:
ex girlfriend, swinging Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2012): I feel like I need to add a bit more information to the question...
Basically when I say we had quite an open relationship, what I mean is we would discuss openly our desires and things we would like to do sexually and what we would not be willing to do. We don't go out and sleep with other people at all (or so I thought). And were in the talking stages of swinging.. But when we first started dating, we were dating other people too and were both quite relaxed about pigeon-holing our status as a couple.
We made our Children out of love and nothing more than that and they always come first, but he recently got a job that involves spending a lot of time away from home and this is when the controlling behaviour started getting out of control. Yes i know it's my fault for letting it get so bad but the good times are really good and he is such a great father, just not a very good boyfriend it seems..
His mother and father divorced because he was having an affair and he was broken hearted too at the same time because his girlfriend cheated on him, so in a way i guess i sympathised with him a little..
I mostly am wanting change now because I don't want our children to copy this kind of behaviour and I can agree to some extent with the anon male, there are some valid points i need to address..
I just really am at a crossroads because I feel like i need to take action but I don't feel ready to leave!
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2012): Was the relationship decided to be open from the start or was that arranged AFTER he first cheated?I get the feeling you have been rewording the rules of a relationship to make it fit the circumstances until it turned into this.Afraid to be alone? Baby created to bind him? "Quite open" is what does it. Open is open. Quite open means "I don't like you cheating but if you tell me, then it ain't cheating".Final nail in the coffin: Since you say he is controlling, 10 to 1 that his side of the relationship is open, not yours.Few relationships are open and none with controlling partners.
...............................
A
male
reader, somewhere_between +, writes (8 November 2012):
 Your boyfriend has not been playing the game. He has been and still seems to be "cheating" Cheating and open relationships are two different things. I would move on and find someone who plays by the rules of an open relationship, or better still, a one to one honest relationship.
...............................
A
male
reader, bronzed adonis +, writes (8 November 2012):
 No matter what you did or the type of relationship you had, he is cheating. You will follow your own choice, but to me, cheating is the end of it.
...............................
A
female
reader, shrodingerscat  +, writes (8 November 2012):
 I have to say, I am completely disgusted by the anonymous male who came here spouting slut-shaming and narrow minded, bigoted hate speech. I can't believe that got past the mods. People are entitled to sleep with whomever they want, and condemning them for enjoying a sex life with other consenting adults doesn't give you the right to condemn them as bad people. The number of sexual partners a person has had does not reduce their value as a human being! Shame on you, Anon Male, for dehumanizing this woman for enjoying the same sexual freedom that men have had for decades! To the OP:Your boyfriend gets a thrill from cheating. An open relationship is just that, too open. He WANTS to cheat, not because he wants to sleep with other women, but because the excitement of the forbidden and the hiding and sneaking is thrilling for him.You cannot change him, or break him of this habit. You have a choice to make...can you accept him cheating on you, and stay with him? Or do you need to leave in order to maintain your sanity and emotional health?
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2012): Tough one. I would just talk to him about it. If you have an open relationship, it should really be open. If that's no longer what you want, then he should know that. You may have some tough choices to make, but you might find that you're happier in the long run if you can make them sooner rather than later.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2012): "I don't understand why he has done this behind my back? he has cheated in the past very early on and I forgave him"
That's exactly why he has done this behind your back; he didn't want to get caught, but he assumed that if you caught him then you'd find reasons, excuses, rationalizations and justifications to "forgive" him and take him back.
"I still can't seem to want to leave as I don't want to split the family up."
You have no "family" to split up; you have an admittedly "open" relationship with your shack-up boyfriend, and your live-in baby daddy is not legally related to you, which means your children's parents are not legally related to each other.
"can I get him to see sense or should I just cut my losses?"
You can "get him to" do anything he would not be inclined to do otherwise; and unfortunately you are not in a position to "cut your losses," you can only minimize the trauma that two innocent children of unmarried promiscuous breeders will experience when their world as they know it is yanked out from under them.
But given his controlling behavior, your only option is to remove your children from his toxic presence and influence; otherwise any son will grow up believing promiscuity and controlling behavior is normal and expected, and any daughter will grow up believing promiscuity and being a doormat is normal and expected.
...............................
|
