A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi, i have been with my boyfriend for just over 2 years now and im in a situation where im not exactly sure what to do anymore. i was diagnosed with depression around 6 months after we started going out and have recently ( 3 months ago) stopped taking my medication and feel like im back to my old self again. during the time when i was on medication i'll admit i was down and out. i didnt want to go out and i usually cried every day. i was tired constantly and just wasnt the same person i was when my boyfriend first met me. during this time he was understanding to a degree. i wouldnt say my boyfriend is the most understanding person, actually at times he can be quite selfish. at the time i was exhausted and didnt have the strength to argue or atleast argue rationally when i had depression but now i can. it just seems like he fits me into his life when he feels like it. he organises things with his footy mates and friends but never with me.he rarely does nice things for me like buy me some flowers or somehting like that. he was recently away for 5 weeks with work and came home and hasnt spent time with me yet. how can i make him see that watching tv or going to bed at night isnt spending time together. i dont want to force him to spend time with me, but ive had enough. last year i was quite unwell due to stress and would end up vomiting for days because of it. it would happen frequently and it got to a point where i would be vomiting and crying and he would just keep doing whatever he was doing. i was in hospital just before xmas twice for the vomiting and i got out xmas eve. i was upset i wouldnt be able to spend xmas day with my fam cos i was to sick. he went to the pub and left me at home alone. the big thing is that he has an excuse for everything and always makes himself look right. sorry for the length of this but i needed to get this of my chest. please helpany suggestions??
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2009): U dersev a lot better than that. I would let him go if i were u n find myself a boyfriend who is caring and who appreciates me more. He is a jerk and doesnt deserve u.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2009): Hi,
I'm not entirely sure why your boyfriend is doing what he is doing - could be one or any of the following - he has the (peculiarly male!) tendency of thinking you're exaggerating, he doesn't realise how bad things were (which would make him oblivious in the extreme), he doesn't understand depression or he's unsympathetic, uncaring and a bit of a pig.
Go with your instinct - you know his behaviour hasn't been right, deep down. Tell him that now you are feeling more like yourself and can look back on your time when you were depressed and judge it objectively, you can see he wasn't supportive enough. Ask him why- as you have said he defends himself when accusedof things, so instead if you confront him with a 'why do you think that happened' it will seem more like you actually want to understand his behaviour rather than just say it's not good enough.
Ask yourself, now that you're feeling stronger and more able to cope with things, do you want to be with him? Did you want him when you were depressed, or did you feel you needed him? What roles if any that a boyfriend's supposed to be fulfilling is he fulfilling? Because he doesn't seem to make you feel special and treat you and surprise you in a romantic way - ok, some men aren't like that. But he isn't even there for you when you need him, he doesn't seem to give you some of the most basic support.
Your boyfriend sounds almost passive-aggressive - he doesn't necessarily give you a hard time, he's uncaring in more passive ways, like not appreciating you and not thinking about your feelings. I had an ex who was similar - didn't see me much, let me down a lot, made me feel like he friends ad his drug-taking and drinking came first. I loved him, so it was hard, but us breaking up was actually the right thing to do. The further I am away from our relationship, the more I understand it wasn't fair and it wasn't right.
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