A
female
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*elenNZ
writes:Dear Cupid,I'v started seeing someone whom I have quite strong feelings for (we've been dating a month, but I've known him about a year and a half).An interesting dilemma has come up: Just as I've started to get those 'loving' feelings, he's explained to me that he's never really felt that intimate/personal 'love' feeling. He's 38 (I'm 29) and had several relationships lasting over a year. I get the impression he's felt strongly about girlfriends before but not had that wonderful deep loving connection. I can feel myself back-pedalling - how can I allow myself to be vulnerable to someone who might not be capable of the feelings that a full relationship requires? He's caring and affectionate and wants to see me, but those things are not the foundation of a full relationship.I know he had an abusive dad who left the family when he was 7, and who still refuses to have a relationship with him and his siblings. So I can understand there might be some self protection involved. I'm feeling anxious about it and wonder if I should suggest counselling. At that age is it possible to turn it around, or am I setting myself up for hurt? I wonder if I'm capable of fully loving without full reciprocation.... Reply to this Question
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female
reader, HelenNZ +, writes (11 February 2010):
HelenNZ is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUpdate:
Well he's decided that he's emotionally unavailable and wants to be 'friends for a while'. I don't know what to make of it and don't know if I can be 'just friends' since I have stronger feelings than that. I'm saddened and hurt since he behaved as if he wanted something special with me. He sounds totally burned from his last relationship.
Can I be friends with him? Part of me wants to say bugger off, but he's become very special to me, so I'll try. With firm boundaries in place.
:-(
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2010): Thanks again Griffo,
I think for the most part you are right on the money- it's the whole 'once bitten, twice shy' scenario.
He does show his affection in other ways, and you are right- lets see what happens given a bit more time.
I've listened to his explanation about what's going on for him and that's all I need to know for now, so I can just be there and enjoy the relationship for what it is. Hopefully he'll feel safe enough to trust me and connect on a heartfelt level.
Many thanks.
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A
male
reader, Griffo  +, writes (8 February 2010):
 It seems as though there could be more to it than just his father, the past relationship possibly fell apart due to him feeling love to her and she hurt him. However he blames his father for the mistakes he makes now. I think he loves but he does not show it all that well. Like most men who have been hurt in the past, this is one way how they make their cover and its designed purley to make you wonder why. Sooner or later the lady longs to here those three words.
If he fears abandonment and betrayal I see this as a conflict within his own mind, I mean you are together now right? So why should he fear if he's already taken the step to be with you in the first place?
Based on that I think he loves you very much, but he's just hiding it from you in order to protect his heart and feelings.
Many people go through the exact same thing, its simply because of past experiences that make them not return the love. kind of like a child touching a stove that is hot, never to touch it the same way again, instead the next time they use it, they get a feel to see if its hot first before touching. The same often goes in this instance.
Its only been one month that you both have been together. Some people love takes only a moment, some a longer time. but truly I believe no more than a month - as I mentioned above I think he already loves you but fears at the moment you will leave him. He may be one of those men who show love with his actions initially. Give him some more time.
It would be excellent for him to get the advice because as you said he intellectualises things, questioning them and analysing them. Sometimes the over analisation can be the very reason why he feels this way toward love itself. No matter how hard he tries he wont be able to figure out all the variables of true love. but the question is has he accepted and identified this? if not he needs to do that first himself (only he can find that) the councellor can help him in understanding this.
Just keep hanging in there and try not to talk about his emotional past so much with him, as you said you do not want to be a therapist/problem solver. Just be there for him and support him with no words or opinion as he could analise those and take them the wrong way and it could cause problems. maybe thats what his past girlfriend did wrong. Enjoy being with each other. Make plans and do things that makes him feel special, romantic but not flowers and sweet cards and things. Simple things, like a trip to the mountains or the beach for lunch or even a weekend camping trip with some friends or by yourselves.
It's okay to tell him you love him. I think he would completley contradict himself if he left you so I don't really see that happening.
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A
female
reader, HelenNZ +, writes (8 February 2010):
HelenNZ is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Griffo,
I think it would possibly help too but he's not sure. He seems to intellectualise things a lot and I can tell he's scared of opening his heart. He says he feels numb (he recently tried a reconcilliation with his father who was not interested, and his last relationship sounds like a mess), but there is a definite process occurring for him at the moment. So I'm just letting him talk about it- which he is- while remaining aware of myself and not becoming the therapist/problem solver.
I can tell he wants a deep and strong relationship, but fears abandonment and betrayal, so I guess I can only hope that as he comes through this his feelings for me might deepen. Hmm, that's a scary gamble...
Has anyone else been through something similar?
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A
male
reader, Griffo +, writes (8 February 2010):
Yes, suggest counselling. If he has never been to counselling it is certianly due. Like a doctor a councellor helps to heal the mind. Maybe ask if a session on relationship would also help for the both of you as well.
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