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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: My boyfriend and I had a discussion. Much of what we do these days during quarantine. I asked him if I enrich his life, make it better. His response was ... "I've always said. Almost from day one. I want what is best for you. Bottom line is that if it's not with me, then I'll remove myself. I'm not going to be happy about it. But I have a decent life with or without you. You need a decent life too and if I'm in the way of that, then I'm not going to make you miserable by demanding your time."Is it just me or does that statement sound self serving? Like he's not committed to me 100 percent or through thick and thin? I just feel like that means he is not bonded enough. That he has remained emotionally distant. Has one foot out the door? Is prepared for our relationship to end?How do I answer when the same question is posed to me instead? ... "My life is better with you in it. It wouldn't be the same without you." You see, I have always believed you fight for love, never give up on it. He appears to be able to take it or leave it. Does anyone else see why it would upset me so much when he said "I have a decent life with or without you" compared to "My life wouldn't be the same without you?" Just seems cold, apathetic and uninvested :( Reply to this Question
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (2 April 2020):
 It depends on the context, and the background of the question.
While his answer , that he 'll have a decent life with or without you , sounds rather dry, cold and unromantic- OTH he sounds like a guy who is exasperated by having been asked the some thing for the umpteen time, or who thinks you are, once again, fishing for compliments and reassurance and won't take the bait.
It sounds to me like you have been recurrently arguing about something and he is telling you , honestly but not brutally : look, I care about you and, as for me, I'd like to remain with you. But , if you have to be unhappy in this relationship and always make a fuss and feel miserable, then maybe you have to accept that this is not working for you ".
In other words, if you want out, he'll let you go . With regret, but without giving any hard time about it.
Maybe you want someone more passionate, more dramatic, someone who'd tell you . " I can't live without you, if you leave me my life has no meaning, I'll just kill myself " etc.etc. This must be very flattering, I don't doubt it.
But I think your bf keeps it real, sensible and mature : a relationship has got any sense only if it makes both partners happy. And if you always need more validation and reassurance that he is willing and able to give , then you'll both will feel frustrated .
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2020): Do you ask this question often?His answer starts with 'I always said ...', suggesting that you question him about this often.If so, he's probably bored of answering with the same old drivel.If you're so invested then you should be feeling more secure.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2020): HiI would never ask anyone a question like that. It's fishing for compliments, it's self serving and self obsessed and if I had a boyfriend who asked me such a question, I would side step it, just as your boyfriend did, because it would annoy me so much.Like a question equivalent of taking a selfie, something else I cant stand, something else that is too all about oneself. It sounds to me as if you were looking to hear how great you are. You want reassurance that he loves you, that he's happy being with you. Can't you tell? Men really don't like talking about this kind of thing; emotions and feelings. Probably why he made his response analytical. I think women sometimes make the mistake of thinking that their boyfriend thinks like they do. That they have female minds and that they like talking about relationships. They HATE it. Usually. So, he gave you a clear, analytical, male type answer and hopes to god that you're not going to keep asking him questions like this. Otherwise, in my opinion, you wont have a boyfriend with whom you can ask these kind of questions. I bet when he read your question, his whole body slumped and he groaned.If you are insecure and need reassurance about how your relationship is going, ask him, are we ok? And take what he says, without wanting him to dress it up in frills and bows. It's not how men work.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2020): [EDIT]
Typo corrections:
"He probably assumed it was a either a trick-question, or a rhetorical-question just to make conversation."
"If you ask a general or roundabout-question, you'll get a general and roundabout-answer."
"Cuz I love him!" is not a good answer; because it doesn't offer any reasons other than that."
Why do you love him? What makes you stay with him? If he's not capable of answering questions you need to hear, what reasons do you have to remain in a relationship with him.
I don't expect answers from the aunts and uncles to be exactly the same; or if anonymous readers should answer, their opinions may differ as well. It would show that the male and female-perspective on relationships may differ; but we all share the same goals and needs in a relationship. If those goals are not being met; then you reserve the right to free yourself to go find exactly what you want and need in a relationship. If unfulfilled and under-appreciated; it's your right to pursue your happiness elsewhere, and as you see fit. I believe that was the point your boyfriend was making. He may have thought the question you posed was a loaded-question; and he must have expected you to react negatively no matter what he said.
I don't know about you, but I know when I'm happy and fulfilled. I also know what to do when I'm not!
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2020): Men and women don't think alike. We don't express or display emotion in the same way.
It seems to me he gave you an honest adult-response to your question. He probably assumed it was a either a trick-questions, or a rhetorical-question just to make conversation. He may not have answered it by telling you what you wanted to hear; but he seemed to have expressed it according to his feelings about the relationship. Maybe it isn't that great. If it was good, why would you ask him such a question? It seems you'd know if he was happy, and if he makes you happy.
Why did you beat around the bush? Why didn't you come right-out and ask him what you really wanted to know? Like, are we good? Do you think maybe we could be moving to the next step in the foreseeable-future? Would you like to share our lives in marriage and have a family someday? If you ask a general or roundabout-question, you'll get a general and roundabout-answers. He knew you were driving at something; so he gave you something to think about.
I think the answer was open-ended, leaving you to take it as you pleased. If you haven't been the greatest of girlfriends, and in need of improvement; or maybe you like to hit him with a lot of self-incriminating or critical questions that hold a subtly negative-undertone. He probably knows you well enough to know exactly where you're coming from.
In-general, most guys know that when girlfriends bring-up "relationship-questions;" they are about to tell him what "he's" doing wrong, and what would make "her" happy! How often have you told him he's a great boyfriend? Is he? If not, why is he still in your life? " Cuz I love him!" is not a good answer; because it doesn't offer any reasons other than that. What keeps you together? If it was love and all the things you bother need, you don't need to ask if you make his life better. Does he make your's better? If not, let him go!
Maybe you misunderstood or could be drawing all the wrong conclusions. Why don't you ask him the questions I suggested above; and see if he gives you the answers that you really should or need to hear? Allow him to be honest and speak his truth. Then do what you think is best for you.
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