A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and have been together for three years now. He cheated on his ex wife and has made me feel uncomfortable when other women are around us. The first time this happened was when we invited a friend to lunch and she held his gaze for a moment over lunch. He tilted his head to the side, smiled and had a coy child like look on his face. He then took our son to the park because he said she made him feel uncomfortable. The second time was when we went out for dinner together and he was looking at a blond girl in the restaurant all night. After a few fights about it he admitted he was looking at her because she was under a tv he was looking at. The third instance was when we were at a school concert for our son and he started looking at one if the single mothers as she was moving around the room. He knew I was watching him and he made me feel so sick to the stomach. He even watched her leave and pretended to gaze out of the window whilst watching her. He does not spend time with me because he always works and winges if I want a day off with him. We don't have a sex life anymore because I don't feel into it if he can't make time for me. He always puts himself first and I miss out on my own work oppertunities because I always have to take care of the house/ child issues. I feel like a house maid and wonder what to do. I have lost all sense of self and confidence and he says I'm delusional for getting angry he and actually gets aggressive with me if I scream or throw a cup. I do this out of frustration and because he ignores me constantly. What to do?????
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female
reader, llifton  +, writes (25 January 2013):
 quite the charmer ya got there. if i were you, i'd leave him. easier said than done, of course. but life is too short to be miserable all the time. you're already saying that your self-confidence is suffering, and believe me, i've been there, myself. not quite the same situation, but nonetheless, still from an unhealthy relationship. and it's amazing how much being with a person like that can make you feel unwanted and ugly. Get away from him and look back in six months to a year, and see if you don't feel like a whole new woman. sometimes we get bogged down in unhealthy relationships and we wind up staying for so much longer than we should. a relationship should never, under any circumstance, make you feel like you have no self-worth. The moment this begins to happen, get the hell out! this guy doesn't respect you. any man who respects you wouldn't blatantly stare at other women right in front of your face and not care what you thought. that's just trashy and you don't need all that. keep your head up!!
A
female
reader, Love is learning +, writes (25 January 2013):
Oh and another point I forgot to add. I understand if men glance at women but trying to maintain eye contact and constantly trying to get a girls attention in front if your partner by eye contact or body language really does not sit well with me. Aside from everything else going on this started in the beginning of our relationship before his ex wife found out about me and put chaotic pressure on our relationship, to the point of running for me trying to create a fight so she could say I attacked her and she could keep her children away from me. I also forgot to mention I hired a specialised worker to help me with something last month and he held her gaze after speaking with her about my job. She then started staring at him and trying to get his attention. When I brought it up he said he did nothing and she just went weird by looking at him. Just lied again! This is not just being a man and having an odd look at a pretty girl every now and then. These women were not even that attractive so it's just weird to me.
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A
female
reader, Love is learning +, writes (25 January 2013):
Thanks for the fast response... I value your advice and wanted to fill you in on some finer details regarding my situation to see what else you may think about it.During the three year relationship with my fiancé I have been mothering his two children. They are abused by there mother and we have been seeing a psychologist regarding them. Our psychologist has said we are living in fight or flight mode and are only just surviving due to our situation. Our whole relationship has been really difficult due to my partners ex wife and the abuse she has displayed to him, the children and myself.You are correct in saying I'm unhappy we both are... He works to pay the bills as I lost my job due to depression regarding the situation but am now trying to build up a business for myself. He does a little housework and buys food now but I do everything else for the kids. doctors, psychologists, lawyers, clothes shopping ect. Today the car broke down the day before my first day of work for my self tomorrow and he just ignored it. I have told him all week I need to travel on Friday for work but always puts his work before everyone and does not help or ignores me. There were physically abusive interactions that occurred between us today. This sort of thing happens every week but the psychologist said we can't function normally right now? Thanks for your help
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (24 January 2013):
It sounds like your relationship is in the dumps and I don't think he's the only one to blame: you're withholding sex, throwing things, and always accusing him of looking at other women. And that's only what you mentioned to prove HE'S the bad guy!
If it wasn't for your child I'd say the relationship is over and you need to move on. Because of the kid I think you have to start going to counseling with him; if you don't its only a matter of time before it's over. Either that or you'll stay together but be unhappy the rest of your life.
I hope it works out for the child's sake, but if things don't change you need to remember it's better to end a dysfunctional relationship then stay. Think of the examples you two are setting for your child.
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (24 January 2013):
 I am going to agree with "So very Confused". I think there is a lot more going on in your relationship than what you post here.
Him looking at other women and your reaction to it are symptoms of an underlying problem.
1) Guys look at women. We notice if they are beautiful and whether they are attractive. Sorry, that is the way guys are wired. What we do with that information / feeling is what makes a guy a "keeper" or not. With your boyfriend's history of past infidelities, it may be a warning side -- especially if your sex life is non-existent.
2) I think most women know about #1. Most women who are in long term relationships are with guys who know how to maturely defer attraction to other women. The fact that you are noticing it either makes me wonder if you are insecure, looking for fault in your boyfriend (since you aren't having sex you suspect he's looking for it elsewhere), or you are really on to something.
With the state of your relationship, I think it is time to take stock -- with one another -- and openly communicate. Getting angry, throwing things or accusing one another won't accomplish anything. Listen(!) to what he says (you were given two ears and one mouth for a reason) and see where he stands.
If your relationship is to survive and be successful (as well as personally fulfilling for both of you) you'll need to take this step. You must also have the wisdom to accept the possibility that your relationship could be over. There are no easy fixes here so you may also want to enlist a counselor. Again, I see a TON of issues and festering problems that need to be addressed beyond his wandering eyes.
Eddie
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (24 January 2013):
 his looking at other women is not the issue. it's how it makes you feel that's the problem.
If he didn't look at women would you still feel like the house maid? sure. because you are doing all the work right?
if he didn't look at other women would you have a sex life? NO because he's still not making time for you.
your complaining about him looking at other women is a symbol of the bigger problem... that you are not happy in your relationship.
If he always puts himself first, you are frustrated and angry.
IF he does not help around the house or with your child, then he is not fully into the relationship.
IF YOU ARE THROWING things at him, your relationship is very shaky.
I suggest counseling for you on your own to work on your assertiveness and self-esteem AND couples counseling to work on the issues in the relationship.
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A
male
reader, fzald +, writes (24 January 2013):
First of all, let me address the issue of his "looking" at other women. I'm not trying to make excuses for us men, but we ARE "lookers". I'm sure you've read or heard about how guys tend to look at physical attractiveness, while girls tend to look more at intellectual and personality traits. It is honestly true.Guys might certainly love a girl's personality, but the way a girl looks is a huge deal for a guy.That being said, it doesn't mean that every time a guy looks at a girl that it automatically means he wants to go out with her/break up to go out with her/cheat to be with her/etc. It's something us guys just do, we can't really help it, it's hard-wired by nature into our essence. Now, all that being said, your boyfriend and you seem to have some issues that go beyond his checking our other girls. First he did cheat on his ex-wife, and there's an old saying "once a cheater, always a cheater." So you worrying IS reasonable from that standpoint. Cheating is never "excusable", but on the other hand, it might be worth it to know exactly what the circumstances behind it were. As I said it's certainly not an excuse, but a lot of guys I've heard of or know who cheated were being cold-shouldered at home for no good reason.The fact that he isn't making any time for you and is always too busy to even spend time with your kid is also a big problem. Relationships are give-and-take, you get something and you give something. If someone is doing all the giving or all the getting something is wrong.I think you do need to have a serious talk with him. Do NOT get angry and throw stuff - that is not OK. Just sit calmly and tell him exactly what you feel. If he decides to get angry, let him, but don't respond angrily. You two need to figure out what is going on and why you're both feeling unfulfilled. You'll never do that if you're both angry and upset. Ask him what he wants out of this relationship and if he's willing to put into it what needs to be put into any relationship.Be prepared to walk away if that's what it takes, especially if any abuse gets involved. Best of luck!F
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