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female
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anonymous
writes: Hi--recently my bf and I had a talk recently about our committment to each other. I feel a little bad not being able to date other people because I became enagged at a young age and it didn't work out. My ex-fiancee just wanted to keep me and he wasn't the healthiest of people (emotionally or mentally) and I felt a little panicky and anxious when my bf told me that he could see spending a long time with me and he cared a lot about me. I became quiet because I immediately knew I didn't feel the same at all. Of course I like him, but it's too soon to think of that, although he did explain to me he didn't mean marriage or a proposal in any way because he already knows my rocky history with my ex-fiancee. I told him since he was my 2nd relationship ever that I still wanted to get to know other people and have more experience--he has been around the block and likes me because I'm different from other girls he's dated...but I haven't had that--I've only had two relationships and would like more to truly know if he is the kind of guy I would even consider thinking about having long term plans with--I don't feel as intensely about him as he does about me--it frustrates me that the only two guys in my life have wanted to tie me down immediately and it kind of upsets me...it makes me feel scared to think he has the same mindset almost. I still wnat to date other guys and told him that then I'd have people to compare and contrast him with: if he's truly a guy who is good for me then he will outshine all the other ones I date...he really hated this arrangement--I could see why because it would seem like I'm not being serious with him or considerate of his feelings, and I certainly wouldn't want him to do the same to me, but I'm not ready for anything serious or permanent at all. I want to enjoy my time with him moment by moment because I am happy to be with him. I don't want to date other guys behind his back (but does it mean I have to date guys--can't I be friends with them to learn what qualities I look for in a guy and keep on searching? I'm not looking for sex or physical stuff, but just common interests, ideas for the future, and to figure out what characteristics make up my ideal man and husband)but I don't want to be limited like I was before when I jumped into major mega committment when I absolutely wasn't ready. Is there some way I can work this out with my bf? Should I see other guys without telling him or just stick it out and see what happens? Is there something wrong with me not feeling the way he does about committemnt?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2005): I think you have to move on from this relationship as it seems like it is going no-place fast. If I were you I'd try being single for a while as it's not really fair and slightly selfish in my opinion to continue a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship if you both have different outcomes in mind.
It might be a good idea to date a few other people casually to get a sense of who you are and what you like. You'll be surprised how dull and exciting at times dating can be but I think it will at least make you know what you are and are not missing with a serious relationship! Good luck!
A
female
reader, missbunbury  +, writes (10 October 2005):
 My advice to you would be that you need to rethink the way you approach relationships. I can see why you feel the need to play the field more before settling down, but in that case, why do you have a "boyfriend"? Generally, once a couple refer to each other as boy and girlfriend, it suggests that they are exclusive to each other. Maybe you need to cool things with this particular man so as to allow yourself the freedom you're looking for. Unfortunately, it may be that this man has invested too much in the relationship already to be happy with continuing it on a more casual basis; if this is the case then I'm afraid you may have to let him go. You sound very self-aware and sensible, and I think deep down you know that you've come to a point where you need to make a decision.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2005): No there is nothing wrong with you wanting to be sure. You did the right thing. A good relationship has to begin with being the best of friends and a commitment will come naturaly, however don't let your feers keep you from loosing Mr.Right. If he respects you the way he should and loves you enough he will appreciate you being honest with him and giving you space to see how you realy feel. Tell him this. The best relaitionships have to based on a great friendship and then you nurture it like tomato's. You plant the seed, watch it every day, patiently watching it grow until it flurishes with beautiful red ripe tomatos that are ready to pick. If he will be patient with you and your relationship he will be able to give himself a chance to get to know him better so you will have time to ripen to the stage of making a decision when your done growing. Make since. I lost a man I am in love with because I pushed him to much for commitment and fussed at him when he didn't call me everyday or didn't call when he said he would. He had been hurtlike you. I can fix the situation with him now but he want give me a chance. He want call me. If I call him how will I ever know how he realy feels (loves) me!! By the way it's a long distant relationship so it's not like I can drive around the corner and talk to him. Good luck!
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