A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:my boyfriend of 9 months, wont stand up to his ex about me. his life basically runs on her schedule, because they have a beautiful daughter together and she has full legal custody. Something he is well aware that she uses to control him. She even said she'd send their daughter with her parents back to their country, he was pretty certain she was bluffing and turned out she was, it was only the latest ploy of hers to get him back with her, according to him. I add that last bit because I've never met nor talked to her nor talked to anyone except him about her, so as much as I trust him, I don't wanna make any character judgements about her when he's seeing me and my opinion through rose colored glass so to speak.I'm not exactly sure anymore(he told me vaguely, but now I'm confused over some things lol) why they broke up thats one of my concerns... I'd like to know, is that appropriate to ask?I also would like to meet her before we get any more serious, as he talks a LOT about marriage and living together, and if this is to work out, I can't have a toxic relationship with a woman that will always be a part of my life.She makes me really jealous sometimes. For example, his car broke down recently so for a couple days he's been using her car to get around, something he only just told me over the phone as he was driving to pick her up from work at 12am (when she gets off, and when they exchange custody) Which explains why he said he couldnt pick me up (I don't drive) yesterday for something he usually picks me up for... I had assumed he was borrowing his grandma's car or something (his grandma and I are not yet on the bestest of terms due to my being of another religion...but shes always cordial and it's getting better ) so that news kinda stunned me.I don't want to be selfish, but this is my first relationship and it's got a lot of layers of complexity that sometimes I can't manage to reason and logic through. He does a lot to try and compensate, but that just results in me feeling really really happy one moment (during w/e action he's doing to compensate) then really annoyed/confused/hurt the next (when he's with his ex, or excluding me because of limitations due to his situation with his ex and occasionally with his family)Sometimes I really wish he'd just put his foot down and say that look, this girl is a part of my life...deal with it... but then I feel selfish cuz what if he'd lose his daughter.... ok then he could go to court... but idk... it makes me feel like a homewrecker, like the "other woman"...thats a weird feeling to have about my own legitimate relationship...
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2013): Unless this guy is REALLY worth it, get out now!For someone who is in your first relationship, you really don't need this kind of baggage unless he is worth your while - "the one".I went through this many many years ago, it was also my first relationship, he also was under the "spell" of his ex "because of the children" but it's just an excuse. You will feel like you have no control of your life; you will always feel second fiddle to her just because he fears doing anything in case he loses the children, so both of you lose while she gets the upper hand to try and hurt him as much as possible, even if you have NOTHING to do with it. In my case I came along long after their divorce, yet she was a total b*tch and I stuck it out a few years but when I realised he was a liar and cheat, I left immediately and didn't give him any second chances. I then vowed no more divorced men exactly because of that reason! The ex controls them in most cases just because she can. You will be ok. I waited a few years and now have my SINGLE "no attachment NO B*TCH ex wife" in the picture, just me and THE ONE I was meant to be with. We are happy, free and can do whatever we like! I remember what it felt to be in your shoes, and I would say, RUN AWAY while you can! Before you get hurt further.
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