A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend just dumped me, and i found out that his housemate is actually his ex girlfriend, and he never told me. I got really angry. isn't that something you would tell a new girlfriend? he always had me stay over his house too, yet never told me. And this girl had been his longest relationship, and his first. Whenever i went over there i felt a little jealousy towards her and didn't know why. i felt threatened by her being there and thought i was being irrational, and just wary cause it was a fresh realtionship that i was in. but now i find this out? Am i wrong or is that something he should have told me? after we broke up i asked why he didn't tell me something that i thought was really important and he said he didn't think it was a big deal, she's his friend now. but when she was around i felt like she was trying to steal his attention away from me, and always got him to do stuff for her, and it did seem to me that he was more attentive to her, than he would be to me...
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broke up, ex girlfriend, his ex, jealous Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Fatherly Advice  +, writes (19 May 2010):
 Thanks for writing back. It seems that your ex is like a certain Woman I know. She forms very strong relations with all of her friends. Often she makes bad decisions in order to "be there" for a friend. Her connections to her friends will mess up other, more important connections. She would be likely to say, "boy friends come and go, but friends are forever." Sadly as her friends began to marry off she is finding that they let her go quite easily. I hope that she soon realizes that the forever relationship is with a spouse.
Anyhow, to your problem. You were trying to do the right thing, by controlling your jealousy. You gave him every chance. Eventually he decided against you. I'd like you to consider that he is young and did not likely see himself as doing anything wrong. He may not, even now see that his attachment to her sabotaged his relationship to you. His old habits were the bone in your craw, so to say. He may be annoyed that you made him choose between her and you, but he has to make that decision. Keeping an ex that close is always going to be trouble.
You are on the right track. Don't give up on trusting people. Jealousy is the opposite of love. Now there are some things you should not accept. Living with an available member of the opposite sex is one of them. Before you commit your heart and soul to a guy. Make sure you are #1 in his life as well. I think you really did do this here as the relationship was short.
Like you I'm quite shocked about text dumping. Looks like you are much better off without a guy with so little character.
FA
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2010): i don't know if this comes up and says i'm the original poster or how this works, i just put in my code and went to put in an answer to my own question...anyway, i was the original poster of this question.
you're right i should have been wary of a female housemate. the reason i didn't say or do anything though is, i have been irrationally jealous with someone i was involved with in the past, said something to the girl involved who was my friend and almost lost a friendship. we are close again now though.
i still don't believe that he just looks at her as a friend though as he claims. he's younger then me, and said the relationship was during highschool...which he only graduated from a year and a half ago... and now he's living with his ex. the one girl he has ever slept with. he told me he'd only slept with one girl, but failed to mention that girl lived right across the hall from him. what i don't get is that she is moving out in less than a month, so why didn't he wait till she moved out to start a relationship with me?
he'd known me 2 weeks, or less, before he asked me out, and even on the first date he brought me to his house, the second date he wanted me to go stay at his house, and a week later he wanted me to stay there. nothing was ever on nuetral ground really, always at his. we only had a few get togethers that didn't involve his housemates being around. i think she treats him still like a boyfriend, even his friends commented on the fact that he would ignore me when she, and other people were around. we went to the movies and he helped get her popcorn and stuff and then ordered lunch for her later. i was sitting there thinking what the hell? you don't even do that for me. you're right about hindsight though. when i look at it now knowing that she was his ex...it makes me mad. even though i was kind of annoyed by it at the time.
by the way we were dating for 3 weeks. the first 2 weeks were great, and he did treat me well, except for the occasional not paying attention to me, but i got upset one day that he was ignoring me, cause he'd done it the whole weekend. i said it'd be nice to spend some time just us but that his housemates and everyone were always around, and i said even though i was there and was there to see him, it was as if i may have well not been there. he was a very intense person for 2 weeks, and then after that, he didn't text me as much as he usually would, so i gave him space thinking i had done something wrong for expressing how i was feeling even though he'd be very open and emotional with me all the time. then he was distant, but accused me of not talking to him even though when we would talk during that time of me giving him 'space', i would be happy and nothing but reassuring to him. he was always the person to initiate contact not me, and he stopped.
his friends say he often self-sabotages. and even though i thought there was nothing wrong, i think he did, and instead of talking to me about it, like in person or on the phone, he just up and dumped me by text.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (18 May 2010):
Thanks Cherry Blossom, you did a fine job of interpreting "Guy". I might have explained the hunter gather thing a bit differently, but you got the main gist.
While we understand why he was thinking the way he did, he was still wrong because he didn't understand how she would see it.
So why did O P not see this coming? Why was she trusting of a female housemate? That is where I am having trouble interpreting.
FA
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (18 May 2010):
If she hadn't been his Ex, you would have still felt jealousy towards her. Hindsight is 20/20. You ask why he didn't tell you in the first place, well if he had would you have given him a chance? He mistakenly thinks he can maintain a friendly relationship with his ex girlfriend without it tainting his new relationship. Let this be a lesson to all those girls and guys out there who want to stay "friends".
While we are on the topic this is exactly the same reason that short men will lie about their height on dating web sites. Other wise they get zero responses.
So in the end, you got hurt, because the relationship didn't work out. You think it didn't work out because he was too close to his ex. That may be true, but it may have had other causes. Your jealousy could have been a part of it. Or, it could have been any number of other things. In the end you got into a relationship with a guy who was living with another woman, that should have been enough of a red flag for you. I'm sure you won't make that mistake again.
FA
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A
female
reader, Cherry_Blossom99  +, writes (18 May 2010):
 The biggest thing in life for a woman to learn is that men and women are complete opposites. Different woman realise it at all different ages and through different situations but this is a classic, and a situation i have been in myself. In your eyes, and any other woman's eyes i imagine, this is DEFINATELY soemthing he should've told you. This is something that can, and has in your situation, made you feel uncomfortable, inadequate, struggling for your own partners attention. But in a man eyes' because she is a friend now, he doesn't see her as a threat - therefore in is head he doesn't need to tell you this. Basically, mens brains are primarily the hunter-gatherer - if there is no threat then there's no need to warn people. However, women are family programmed, they are programmed to look for body language, hidden emotions and threats to their community without even realising, which is why you are so aware of this woman. Hope this has helped you feel a bit better, xx
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